Blackadder I, Episode 6 - The Black Seal

The Black Adder I, Episode 6

The Black Seal

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Intro: Many are the tales told of the Black Adder and of his faithful
henchmen Lord Percy Percy and Baldric son of Robin the Dung-Gatherer, but
none is told so oft, with so much hitting of heads with wonder and
repeating of exciting parts as this the final chapter in the book of The
Black Adder.

[Start Credits Roll]

Narrator: England 1498, St Junipers Day on which the King would lavish new
honours upon his kinfolk.

{Scene : The court of Richard IV}

King Richard : St Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him and
by the length of his rod shall he be measured." The length of my rod is a
mystery to all but the Queen, and a thousand Turkish hoardes, but the
fruits of my loins are here for all to see. I have two sons, Henry and
.... another one.
        Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales.

{Harry approaches and prostrates himself in front of his father}

KR: Harry, I hereby name thee, captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the
Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester,
Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord
Hoe-Maker in ordinary and Harbinger of the Doomed-Rat.
        Step forward, the other one.

{Edmund approaches and prostrates himself on the step below Richard}

KR: Till now thy titles have been but few, Duke of Edinburgh and Warden of
the Royal Privvies.

Edmund Black Adder: Just so my lord.

KR: We thank thee Egbert for thy wok in Edinburgh, know now that we do
relieve thee of thy heavy task and give the Dukedom to our lord cousin
Hastings. (aside) Many Happy Returns Tom.
        Thus have I discharged the duties of Juniper. Chiswick, fresh
horses. We ride at once to rebellious Stoke where it is my sworn intent to
approach the city walls bare my broad buttocks and shout "Behold. I honour
thee most highly"

< Fanfare and cheers >

{Court empties leaving EBA, Percy and Baldric}

Percy: Well, it could have been worse my lord.

Baldric: Yeah, for a moment there I thought you were going to lose the
Privvies.

EBA {rising from the stairs} : No. It will not do.

P: No you're right my lord it won't.

EBA I must clear away the chaff from my life and let shine forth the true
wheat of greatness.

P {Looking at Baldric} : Do it at once my lord.

EBA: Very well. Percy ... you're dismissed from my service.

P {Points at Baldric}: Ha ha ha.... who me why ?

EBA: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the
Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse
rather less well tan another horse would, your brain would make a grain of
sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned,
I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth
mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry
cod-piece you might just get by as a fool, but, since you wouldn't know a
joke if it got up and gave you a hair-cut, I doubt it. That is why you're
dismissed.

P: Oh I see.

EBA: And as for you Baldric...

B: Yes my lord ?

EBA: You're out too.

B: Fair enough.

Narrator: So Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for glory.

{Scene : EBA on horse led by Baldric to castle gates}

EBA: Well, I expect you'll go back to shovelling dung in the gutter where I
found you ?

B: Nah, shouldn't think so.

EBA: No ?

B: No. It took me years to get that job, I'll probably be back milking pigs
or mucking out the leppers.

EBA: Really ?

B: Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shovelling dung again.

{Edmund rides away. Baldric watches wiping a dew drop from his nose}

Caption : 100 yrds later

{Edmund nearly runs over an old man}

EBA: Get out of my way.

Old Man: Going on a journey my lord ?

EBA: No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you.

OM: You'll be needing someone to tend your horse then ?

EBA: No and even if I did I wouldn't take you. I mean look at you. What is
your profession ?

{The Old man removes two handkerchiefs from his tunic and proceeds to
dance waving them about}

EBA: Oh my God a retired Morris Dancer, thats all I need. Well if you can keep
up you can come.

Caption: Thus did Edmund set forth into England ...

{Edmund mounted on black horse galloping across the countryside.}

Caption: ... with his rather irritating old servant.

{ The Old Man gallops past at about twice the speed of Edmund, mounted on
a donkey}

Caption: And so the Black Adder scoured the land to search out the six
other Most Evil Men in the kingdom.

{ An English country road through a wood. A lone rider approaches Edmund
and the Old Man who sit, waiting, in a clearing. Three black hooded riders
ambush the lone rider before he reaches the clearing}

Caption: Sir Wilfred Death.

EBA (retreating into the wood) : Oh my God an ambush!

Ambusher #1 (In an Irish accent): Sir Wilfred Death, your tyranny is now at
an end. Prepare to be hung by your codlings from that tree.

{ He points his sword towards a nearby tree}

Sir Wilfred Death: Never!

{ Edmund and the Old Man watch a melee from behind some trees, sounds of a
conflict ring out for about six seconds. Pan back to ambush site where Sir
Wilfred Death is walking away from the tree where the three riders hang,
groaning, upside down, strung by their codlings. Edmund approaches
Wilfred.}

EBA: Sir Wilfred Death.

WD: Edmund.

{They shake hands.}

EBA: I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom.

WD: How many have you got so far ?

{Edmund holds up one finger. Wilfred replies with the reversed victory
sign invented by British archers at Agincourt to signify that they hadn't
been taken prisoner by the French, now commonly used as a visual
expletive.}

Caption: Three-Fingered Pete.

{ Two archers standing at the edge of the woods }

Three-Fingered Pete: So we are agreed. He who wins takes the horse

{He indicates to a nearby steed}

Both : Aye.

TFP: There is our mark. {Indicates an archery target} You shoot first.

{ The other bowman nocks an arrow and shoots hitting the target squarely
in the centre}

TFP: Thats good... so good in fact.... I'm going to have to ...

{ Three-Fingered Pete shoots the other archer dead}

TFP: ...cheat.

{Edmund and Wilfred have been watching in the distance}

EBA (Shouting): Three-Fingered Pete !

{Edmund and Wilfred approach. In close up Edmund holds three fingers aloft}

Caption: Guy de Glastonbury

{A carriage travels through the countryside, it is stopped by a lone
rider, Guy de Glastonbury}

Guy de Glastonbury: Good evening... and surrender. Your money or your life.

Merchant on carriage: Here take it {He gives Guy a purse} It's all the
money I have.

GdG: Thank you.

Merchant: Now let me pass.

GdG (Aside): Damn ! (To the merchant) I'm always doing this. Did I say
"Your money or your life" ?

Merchant: You did.

GdG: Sorry, slip of the tongue, your money and your life.

{Guy shoots the merchant with a single-handed crossbow}

GdG: Sorry.

{He walks his horse to the front of the carriage}

GdG (To Driver): Thanks Ned. See you Thursday.

{The driver waves as Guy trots away to where Edmund, Wilfred and Pete
await him}

WD: Guy.

GdG: Wilfred.

WD: Now what we need... is a real bastard.

TFP: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

{ A dark street in a town, a merchant walks nervously along it, glancing
behind him periodically. A shadowy figure follows him dodging in and out
of doorways so as to avoid being seen. The shadowy figure accidentally
stabs a house with his dagger.
 Two blind beggars stand to one side of the street with their begging
bowls. }

Beggar #1 [Kane]: Pity the blind kind sir.

{The merchant walks past ignoring the beggars. The shadowy figure, Sean,
the Irish Bastard scabbards his dagger and approaches the beggars
stealthily. Carefully Sean steals the content of the begging bowls and
slips back into the shadows}

Caption: Sean, the Irish Bastard.

Beggar #2 [Abel]: 'ere. Business is quiet this morning.

Kane: Aye, everyones gone to lunch I think.

{Wilfred, Edmund et al. block Seans escape up a stairway}

WD: Sean.

{ The five sit on horses atop a hill, Each member of the group is pictured
holding five fingers aloft. Edmund, Guy de Glastonbury, Sean the Irish
Bastard, Sir Wilfred Death, finally Three-Fingered Pete holds up three
fingers.}

{ A forest clearing. A monk, a farmer and a young girl stand with some
horses}

Farmer: Friar, I fear greatly for her chastity.

Friar Bellows: Alas, such is the way of the world. The sweetest rose too
often is... {He looks longingly at the girl} ... plucked too soon.

Caption: Friar Bellows.

Farmer: Yes... I wondered if you would take her while I'm gone ?

{ Friar Bellows takes another longing look at the girl}

FB: Yes. The answer is yes.

{Yet another lustful look}

FB (almost sinisterly): I shall.....

{ Behind some bushes the Friar and girl are lying with her dress around
her waist and the friar between her legs. The five watch with some
amusement}

WD: Friar Bellows ?

{Sean, the Irish Bastard removes a cork from a bottle [FX of cork popping]}

WD: Doing the Lords work ?

FB: I was just ministering extreme unction.

{The rest laugh}

{ The six ride across the top of a rise}

EBA: Who shall be our seventh ? Wilfred ?

WD: Why, need I say more ? Jack

{[FX Deathly chord] The other five look worried}

GdG: Not mad bully-boy Jack, the grave robbing assassin of Aldwich ?

WD: No.

TFP: Then crazed animal Jack, the cattle rustling canibal from
Sutton-Coalfield ?

WD: Ha ha... no.

StIB: Then your mans sane Jack O'Hooligan the man-hating goat-murderer of
Dingle Bay.

WD: No.

FB: Surely not Canon Jack Smollett senior arch-deacon of the Diosces of St
Bothar, the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells ?

WD: No. I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack, the bull-buggering
beast-killer of no-fixed-abode.

{[An even deathlier chord] All look even more worried}

EBA: Are you sure he's the sort of chap we're looking for ?

WD: Yes, {He point down the hill} and here he comes.

{ A giant is walking up the hill towards them}

Caption: Jack Large.

{ A dwarf appears from behind the giant hitting at his legs. The giant
weathers this for a short while before picking the little fellow up to
eye-level}

Giant: What do you think you're doing ?

WD (Shouting from the hill): Are you with us Jack ?

Dwarf (Shouting back to Wilfred): Aye.

{The dwarf butts the giant knocking him cold and both fall to the ground}

{Edmund holds up seven fingers, he is giggling in the manner only he can}

{The six Most Evil Men are pictured around a central picture of Edmund
riding. Edmund falls off his horse into the snow}

{ The Old Man is sitting with seven horses and his donkey outside a pub. }

Jack Large (From inside the pub): ... so I kissed her on the left buttock.

{Drunken laughter issues from the pub. Inside the seven are seated around a
table covered with empty goblets and spilled wine and food. }

EBA (To Jack): So, tell me Jack what is your second name ?

JL: Large, Jack Large.

EBA (amused): Ha. Then in our band you shall be known as "Large Jack".

{Jack spits out his mouthful of beer and looks accusingly at Edmund}

JL: Why?

EBA (nervously): Well... because you are so little.

JL: Why not "Little Jack" then ?

EBA: Well, because "Large Jack" is more amusing.

Others: Is it?

EBA: Very well then "Little Jack".

{All rise weapons pointed at Edmund in a threatening manner}

JL: You wish to mock my size ?

EBA: No no no no no, no of course not.... erm... Innkeeper some more beer!
Six large beers...

[Cheers from Wilfred and co.]
{ He looks to Jack who is staring menacingly at him}

EBA: ... and another large beer.

[All cheer]

EBA: Let us then go on to the plan.

Others: The plan, the plan......

FB: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they
shall be slaughtered"

{The others rise, weapons drawn and make for the door cheering}

EBA: Wait you've forgotten the plan.

TFP: I thought that was the plan.

StIB: Lets get those meek bastards, now.

[All cheer]

EBA: QUIET!

WD: Who wants quiet ? I want chaos!!!

[All cheer again]

JL: And slaughter !!!

[More cheers]

TFP And flowers !!!!

Others: Yeah... huh?

TFP: Mercilessly crushed under-foot.

[Cheers]

FB: Silence.

All (returning to their seats): Silence, ssshhh, silence.....

GdG: Silence, for the word of the Lord.

FB: For Christs sake lets hear the plan.

All: The plan, the plan....

EBA: Very well, the plan is simple.

WD (still carried away with the camaraderie): I thought it was cunning.

ALL: Down with the plan.

EBA: Well..... it's cunning in its simplicity. Tonight, I ride for home...

WD: I say strike now while the iron is hot.

EBA: But it isn't hot.

WD: Isn't it?

EBA: No it's just warming up, but, when it is hot, we will strike.

StIB: What ? Are we going to have to wait till summer ?

EBA: No, no when the iron is hot.

TFP: What iron?

EBA: Never mind, we are all agreed. I shall send for you all.

FB: How ?

EBA: Well... by a message, a sign.

GdG: What sort of sign ?

EBA: Well, something black probably.

JL: Black pudding ?

EBA: Not quite.

TFP: A messenger... with the Black Death perhaps ?

EBA: Yes, thats better.

FB: He means to kill us !

{All rise to attack Edmund again}

EBA: No, no, I mean a messenger with black.... hair.

WD: Ahhhh, a black-headed messenger.

All: Aye.

EBA: And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with
all haste to Jaspers tavern.

StIB: Ah, I know it well. How is old Jasper these days ?

TFP: Dead.

JL: How?

FB: I killed him.

[Cheers again]

EBA: From there I shall take you to the castle where we shall capture the
King, and the Queen and the Prince.

[More cheers]

EBA: and then I will say to them {He rises} "The kingdom of Albion is
ours, you are doomed to lives of exile. Get out!"

TFP: Exile?

EBA (Proudly): Yeeesss, exile. For life.

GdG: Why don't we just... kill them ?

EBA (upset): Well, I suppose we could kill them.

{All rise and make for the door shouting "Kill them"}

EBA: Wait till I sen the sign.

StIB: If I get a messenger with black-heads all over him, I'll kill the
ugly bastard.

WD {with dagger to Edmunds throat}: How do we know it isn't a trap ?

EBA: Because the Black Adder gives you his word.

WD:We want your word not this Black Adder fellows.

EBA (hurt): But I am the Black Adder.

WD: Oh I see.

EBA: And when all is done, the Black Seal shall rule England.

[Cheers]

EBA {Climbing onto the table}: We few, we happy few, we band of ruthless
bastards.

[Cheers]

EBA: All for one....

Others: And each man for himself.

{They leave, cheering.}

{A woodland clearing at night, Edmund and the Old Man sit around a camp fire
near their steeds. Both are laughing}

OM: You're in a merry mood my lord.

EBA: Tes. No-one can stop me now.

OM: No-one ?

EBA: No no-one.... except perhaps.... no not even him.

OM: And who might that be my lord ?

EBA: Well there was a man, Philip of Bergundy, known to his enemies as,
"The Hawk". We were deadly childhood rivals, although,of course, in
those days he was known as "The Thrush", but no-ones heard of him for
years.
        Well, come on, lets go we've got work to do.

OM (From out of shot)[His voice has deepened and is more booming]: Not so
fast Edinburgh. This "Hawk" did he look something like this ?

{ The old man transforms into a much larger man}

EBA: Erm... no, not really.

{Philip of Bergundy removes his false eye-brows}

EBA: Oh my God, Philip of Bergundy.

Philip of Bergundy: Known to my enemies as...

[Fanfare]
{He dons a peaked cap with a feather in it}

PoB: ..."The Hawk"

EBA: ...but your horse used to be a huge brown....

{Huge Brown horse enters shot}

EBA: Oh yes, thats the one. Well its been very good to see you... erm ...
Phil.

[Edmund makes to leave. Phillip of Bergundy steps on the toes of one of his
shoes]

PoB: This time not fast enough.

EBA: What do you want with me ?

PoB: I'll tell you later

{He hits Edmund on the head with a hammer}

[Manic Laughter]

{ A dungeon. Phillip forces Edmund into the cell}

PoB: I return at last after fifteen years.

EBA: And what have you been up to ?

PoB: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

EBA: Ah, so you've kept yourself busy.

PoB: Yes, fifteen years of living in France teaches a man to hate. Fifteen
years of wearing perfume, fifteen years of eating frogs, fifteen years of
saying "Pardon" and all because of you.

EBA: But surely the scenery.

PoB: I never went outside.I couldn't stand the smell.

EBA: What has all this got to do with me ?

PoB: Because Edmund its going to take you fifteen years... to die!

EBA: Fifteen years ?

PoB: Yes.

EBA: How ?

PoB: I think it would be more amusing if you found out for yourself. Let
us just say that it has something to do with snails.

{He opens a panel in the wall to reveal several snails and then starts to
leave the cell}

EBA: Oh my God, where are you going ?

PoB: Why to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn't mine by
right.

{He exits ... later Edmund is still in the cell}

EBA: Dear Lord, who made all the birds and the bees, and the snails,
presumably, please help me, a little animal in my dispair. I have been a
sinner but from now on I intend to follow the path of the Saints,
particularly the very religious ones. In the name of the Father, the Son
and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

Voice (from aside): Amen.

EBA: What?

Voice: Amen I said. I'm sorry did I get it wrong? {A scruffy prisoner
approaches Edmund} I haven't heard that word in twenty years you see.

EBA: Who are you? I didn't realise I had company.

Prisoner: Oh "company", I haven't heard that word for twenty years either,
or "realise", I'd completely forgotten. "Realise".

EBA: Oh no, you're not mad are you ?

Mad Gerald: Yes I'm very mad thank you. Maaad. Thats a word I know. I say
that every day. I say, "Good morning Mad Gerald, how are you today ?", and
then I say, "I'm completely mad today thank you", and then I say, "Oh so
there's not much change there then is there Gerald?", and I say, "No, well
you'd be mad to expect any wouldn't you?", then I say, "But I am mad. I'm
Mad Gerald....".

EBA (cutting in): QUIET. Sh

MG: Ssshhh

EBA: Look this may seem a stupid question...

MG: Question yes.

EBA: ... but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here would you?

MG: A way out. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ..... {He continues}

Caption: 12 Months Later.

{Edmund is sitting next to a skeleton, Mad Gerald is still laughing in the
distance getting nearer}

MG: .... Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. "A way out" you say? I haven't
heard those words "A way out" for..... ooh.

EBA (In a tired voice): Twenty years ?

MG: Yes twenty years. Not like "Mr Rat". I'm always saying "Mr Rat".

EBA (absently): Who ?

MG: Mr Rat. I say "Good morning Mr Rat, how are you today" and he'll say
{pressing his nose} "meep meep meep".

{Gerald looks around for something to occupy him}

MG: Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha....

{Time passes. Edmund and Gerald are sitting on the floor of the cell}

MG: No you mustn't be rude about Mr Rat, he's my friend. Well, there's him
{points to rat} and there's Mr Key.

EBA: What?

MG: Mr Key {produces a key from his tunic}, I made him from my own teeth.
Good morning Mr Key.

{Edmund grabs the key from Mad Gerald and runs to the door. As he's
leaving Mad Gerald shouts from inside}

MG: Well close the bloody door!

{Edmund stops a cart driving along the road outside}

EBA: Stop, stop, where are you going ?

Cart Driver: I'll tell you where, wherever I can sell these six black
carrier pigeons I've got in the back, that's where.

EBA: Six black homing pigeons ?

CD: Well, mostly.

EBA: How much are they?

CD: Six shillings.

EBA (checking his pockets): Oh damn.

CD: But, I suppose, if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree
you could have 'em for less.

EBA: Right.

{Edmund leaves the cart driver tied to the tree, gagged and steals the
cart. Edmund rides back to the castle where he releases the pigeons to
find the Black Seal members. Each member receives the message and drops
whatever he is doing.}

{Inside the castle}

PoB: By the striking of ten bells I shall claim the throne.

{One by one the six other Black Seal members appear threatening Phillip o
Bergundy and blocking any chances of his escape. There is a banging noise
from one of the corridor doors.}

PoB: Gentlemen, to whom do I owe this pleasure ?

{Edmund burst in unceremoniously, nearly tripping in the process}

EBA: To me Bergundy!

PoB: Edmund, I hadn't expected to see you again.

EBA: No. Dead men don't make social calls do they ? Prepare to die.

PoB: Wait. Let me say just one thing.

EBA: Which is.

PoB: If these men are what they seem to be, the six most evil men in the
land...

EBA: Yes they are. Your last sentence please.

PoB: Then they've made a pretty damned peculiar choice for their leader,
haven't they my lord Warden of the Privvies.

EBA: What ?! You think they should have chosen you, Thrush ?

{The six laugh}

EBA: A man twisted by unbridled ambition ?

Six: Huh ?

EBA: A man haunted by insatiable greed ?

Six: Really ?

EBA: The most evil man in the world, you think they should have chosen you?

Six + PoB: Yes!

{They change position so that Edmund is now encircled by the Black Seal}

EBA: But he's a mindless killer.

[Cheers]

EBA: He'll destroy the kingdom.

[Cheers]

EBA: He murdered his own parents.

TFP: Well, who didn't. I certainly killed mine.

WD: And I killed mine.

FB (To Sean the Irish Bastard): And I killed yours.

StIB: Did yer ?

FB: Yes.

StIB: Good on yer father.

PoB: Are you with me then?

Six: Yes!

PoB (To Edmund): Prepare to die.

{They ready themselves to kill Edmund}

PoB: Wait. I have a more amusing method.

EBA: Amusing for whom I wonder.

PoB: Gentlemen.

{He uncovers a torture chair, the Black Seal applaud appreciatively}

{Edmund is placed in the chair}

PoB: In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your nethers

{He indicates a large spike below the seat}

PoB: The shears will cut off your ears.

{He toys with one of Edmunds ears that is between two blades of a pair of
shears on the chair}

EBA: Both of them ?

PoB: Yes. Then these axes will chop off your hands and I do not think we
need to go into the attributes of... the coddling grinder.

{He indicates a rotating set of blades between Edmunds thighs}

PoB: Then these feathers will tickle you under whats left of your arms and
that is the amusing part.
        Gentlemen, let us go and slaughter the Royal Family. God Save the
King.

Six: Cos nobody else will.

{They leave. Outside the room they approach two serving maids (One of whom
has a beard...). The maids have trays with goblets of wine on them.}

PoB: Stop. First let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden
and drink a toast to our enterprise. May good thrive...

Six: Over our dead bodies.

{ They each drink a goblet full of wine then walk off. About five yards
down the corridor they all grab their heads, fall over, lie still for a
few seconds before their legs jerk and they lie still again.
        Sean the Irish Bastard gets up and walks back to the maids}

StIB: It's got a bit of a sting in its tail.

{ He takes the last goblet, drinks it, walks off, grabs his head, falls
over, lies still, twitches and finally dies.
        The serving wenches remove their hoods to reveal that they are in
fact Percy and Baldric. They leap in the air cheering}

Percy and Baldric: Hooray.

{ In the distance we hear Edmund}

EBA: Aaaargghh. Woooaaarrggh. Eeeek. Nya ha ha.

{ Scene: The court are assembled around Edmunds death bed. King Richard
the Fourth, the Queen and Prince Harry stand at Edmunds bedside. Edmund is
heavily bandaged and shows signs of bleeding from the ears ,fore-head and
wrist-stumps.}

Queen (Softly): Oh Edmund, Edmund.

Harry (Slightly louder): Edmund ?

King Richard (In his usual manner): EDMUND!!!!!!

{Edmunds eyes open}

KR: He lives !

{The court cheers. There is a flash of Percy and Baldric sitting talking
in another chamber}

EBA: Father, you called me Edmund.

KR: Oh... Sorry, Edgar, how are you ?

EBA: Not so well. Harry what do you think my chances are ?

H: Oh good, good.

Q: He'll live ?

H: Oh no sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.

EBA (Wearily): Oh damn.

KR: Never mind my son, your body may be mutilated beyond recognition but
your spirit will live forever. (To the court) My Lords...

}{Another flash to Percy and Baldric}
}
}Baldric: What did you say ?
}

KR: I give you Edgar.

}{Another flash. Percy and Baldric are running panicking towards the court}
}
}B: I told you to poison the Black Seals goblets not the whole batch!
}

The Court: Edgar.

{Edmund taps his fathers leg. Richard bends to listen to his son}

KR: What is it ?

{Edmund whispers to him}

KR (Holding his goblet aloft): The Black Dagger.

Court: The Black Dagger.

{Everyone drinks}

EBA (Quietly): Adder.

KR: May his name last as long as our dynasty.

{All the members of the court grab their heads in unison. They all fall to
the ground and lie still. After a short time they all twitch, then they
are still again.}

EBA: Good Lord.

}{Percy and Baldric are still running}

EBA: I wonder if it was the wine.

{He lifts his goblet to his lips and takes a sip.}

EBA: No, seems perfectly alright to me. And now at last I shall be k.....

{He grabs his head with his stumps, lies still, twitches and lies still
again}

CREDITS ROLL:
Song:
        So now the way of sin is paved,
        The blade has got the Black Seal graved. [Pronounced grave-ed]
        The only sound across the glade,
        Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.

        Black Adder, Black Adder,
        A shame about the plan.
        Black Adder, Black Adder,
        Farewell you horrid man.

Cast in order of disappearance:

Murdered Lord:            John Carlisle.
Cain, a blind beggar:     Bert Parnaby.
Abel, a blind beggar:     Roy Evans.
Trusting Father:                Forbes Collins.
Person of unrestricted growth:
                                Des Webb.
Old Man:                        John Barrard.
Mad Gerald:                     Himself.                [Actually Rik Mayall]
Pigeon Vendor:           Perry Bevon.
Friar Bellows:            Paul Brooke.
Jack Large:                     Big Mick.
Three-Fingered Pete:      Roger Slomon.
Guy de Glastonbury:       Patrick Malahide.
Sir Wilfred Death:        John Hallam.
The Hawk:                       Patrick Allen.
Sean the Irish Bastard:   Ron Cook.
Harry:                    Robert East
Queen:                    Elsbeth Gray.
Richard, IV:              Brian Blessed.
The Black Adder:                Rowan Atkinson.
Baldric:                        Tony Robinson.
Percy:                    Tim McInnery.

Song by Howard Goodall                          [Note: Not Phillip Pope]

BlackAdder I, Episode 5 Witchsmeller Pursuivant

The Black Adder I, Episode 5

Witchsmeller Pursuivant

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


(in a cottage, four people are eating supper. [If anyone recognises the
 actresses, please let us know which woman speaking is Mrs. Field and
 which is Mrs. Tyler -- check the cast list for actress names])

Woman 1: What about this plague, then? Rumours from the North say it's
         worse there than ever.

Piers: No, no... Now that we've found out about the rats, we'll never have
       plague again.

Woman 2: You know what they're saying: "A rat a day keeps the plague away!"

Piers: Believe me, madam: There'll be no more plague in our lifetime.

Woman 1: Well, I hope you're right.  (She stands and walks to get a bowl.)

        (The three left at the table suddenly die. Woman 1 turns around and
         screams. `The Black Adder' logo comes out of her mouth as the opening
         theme begins.)


Caption: By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord, 1495, the Black Plague once
         again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by
         seamen and entering England by the South West Passage. Each day,
         thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake,
         and not even the best and noblest escaped its horror.

(in a corridor in the castle, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh and his squire,
 Baldrick, are fiddling with a royal portrait while Lord Percy guards the
 corridor. Percy, however, turns his head round to see what Edmund is doing,
 and, at that moment, Edmund's older brother, Prince Harry, walks up.)

Harry: Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.

Edmund: (hiding the portrait behind his back) Er, doing what?

Harry: I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather.

Edmund: (a bit excited at the possibility of being closer to the throne)
        Oh dear! Any idea what?

Harry: Not sure -- I think it's probably Black Death. Nevertheless, I am sure
       that he'd appreciate a little visit from you...

Edmund: Oh. Well, I'm sure I can pop my head round the door...

Harry: ...sort of nowish.


(later, Edmund approaches the door to the throne room; the Queen is outside
 the door)

Edmund: Mother, would you like to...?

Queen: Oh, no, dear -- he won't let me near him.

        (Edmund opens the door to find the King with his sword raised. Edmund
         shuts the door and steps aside as the King's sword pokes through the
         door.)

Queen: How is he?

Edmund: Well, he's up.


(in meeting room, Harry is holding a council with various lords. [Again,
 anyone who knows the actors and can tell us which speaker is Lord Ross
 and which is Lord Fife, please help])

Harry: My Lords of the Council, we face today the gravest crisis this country
       has known since the Roman invasion.

All: Hear hear!

        (an officer enters, carrying a helmet)

Harry: Therefore, I propose--

Officer: Your Highness, the King has stirred and calls for you.

Harry: Ah. (swallows nervously) Very well. (removes his hat; stands) Gentlemen,
       I must leave you. (takes the helmet from Officer and draws his sword,
       preparing to meet the deranged King) Prince Edmund is in charge!

        (Percy begins to bang on the table in approval, but all the lords
         mutter "Oh shame..." so he stops. Harry and Officer leave. Baldrick
         brings Harry's notes to Edmund.)

Edmund: Er, yes, right. Gentlemen, right... (reads from Harry's notes) As you
        know, today we face the gravest crisis this country has known since
        the Roman invasion.

        (They all make sounds of protest: "Nonsense!"; "Rubbish!"; etc.)

Lord 1: What about the Viking invasion?

Lord 2: ...and the Norman invasion?

Angus: ...and the Swiss invasion?

Edmund: Er, well, the greatest crisis for some time.

Lord 2: And we all know why!

Edmund: Why?

Angus: Because the King is possessed!

Edmund: What?!

Lord 2: True! True! The land is full of omens of bewitchment. Only last week
        in Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach;
        and two women in Windsor claimed to have been raped by a fish!

Lord 1: I, too, have heard such tales. In (Harrigate?), it rained phlegm; and
        they do say that, in Edinburgh, the graves did open and the ghosts of
        our ancestors rose up and competed in athletic sports!

Percy: ...and a friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his
       nose!!!

Edmund: Percy, shut up, for God's sake.

        (There are mutters of "Witchcraft!")

Angus: ...and a farmer in (Rye?) heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer; and
       a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, mooing
       and suckling a young heifer!

Edmund: Gentlemen, gentlemen, surely we aren't the sort of people who believe
        in this sort of thing. I mean, next you'll be telling me is
        that washing your hair in bat's droppings stops you going bald.

Lord 2: But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats, and look what happened!
        (removes his hat to show his baldness)

Angus: I move that we do the only thing we can do to remove this curse from
       the kingdom.

Edmund: Ah, well, that sounds like the answer, doesn't it!

Lord 1: Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant!

        (They all agree, and stand up. Edmund's protests are not heard.)

Lord 2: Call for the (??)

Angus: The Prince of Wales must be informed!

        (They begin to walk out. Edmund's calls of "No, wait!" are ignored.
         Percy starts to walk out with them.)

Edmund: Percy, PERCY!

Percy: What?

Edmund: What the devil do you think you're doing?

Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens anymore!

Edmund: Percy...

Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious. Only this morning in the courtyard,
       I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!

Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?

Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Edmund: Honestly, Percy, I bet you're just the sort of person who thinks that
        sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom on Good Friday will make you
        fertile!

Baldrick: That's rubbish!

Edmund: Quite, really.

Baldrick: It's Easter Monday.

Edmund: Yes, remind me not to shake your hand during a religious festival,
        Baldrick. I don't believe it; I mean, who is this Witchsmeller
        Pursuivant, anyway?

Baldrick: I don't know, My Lord, but Mistress Scott would.

Edmund: Ah yes; the old crone with a cat...

Percy: Oh yes, the cat! Lovely. Oh, but she lives in the village!

Edmund: So?

Percy: Everyone's dying of the plague!

Edmund: Oh, yes, that's what they claim, those peasants! Any excuse to get
        off a decent day's work...


(outside of the castle gate; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick enter the village.
 Corpses are strewn about the streets, and moans and cries are heard.
 [Again, those who can tell us which peasant is Cain and which is Abel, and
 which is Ned and which is Jack, please do. Cain and Abel will be numbered
 the same way they were in the transcription of "The Archbishop."])

Edmund: (stepping over some of the corpses) I mean, obviously, there are some
        genuine cases...

        (Percy trips over a corpse and falls to the ground; Edmund and
         Baldrick continue walking.)

Villager 1: Good morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

Villager 2: 'morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

Villager 3: (speaking from atop a heap of corpses in a carriage)
            'morning, Prince Edmund.

Edmund: 'morning, peasant!

        (Villager 3 dies)

Baldrick: My Lord, shouldn't you disguise yourself?

Edmund: Hmm?

Baldrick: Well, I mean: we don't want someone with a grudge coming up and
          infecting you on purpose.

Edmund: Ah, yes, you're right.

        (Edmund walks through a clothesline. He emerges wearing a bit of
         cloth with a thin part running diagonally across his face, not hiding
         his features at all; the rest flowing behind him.)

Villager 4: 'morning, stranger.

Edmund: 'morning, friend!

Peasant 3 [Ned or Jack]: 'morning, stranger.

Edmund: 'morning, friend!

Peasant 3: (to his companion, [Cain or Abel]) Who is that dark stranger?

Peasant 1 [Cain or Abel]: Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.

Percy: This way, My Lord. (he puts his cape down over a patch of manure)

Edmund: Yes. (avoids walking on Percy's cape; walks around it)

        (A crier steps out of a building, ringing a hand bell.)

Crier: Bring out your dea-- (he dies)

Edmund: (to an adolescent boy peasant) You, where's Mistress Scott?

Peasant 4 [Ned or Jack]: You just passed her. (points to a charred stake
                         in the ground)

Edmund: Oh my God! (sees Percy kneeling on the ground, holding some small
        bones he picked up from near a tiny stake in the ground) And what's
        that?

Percy: The, er, cat, My Lord.

Edmund: (calls) Does anyone know what happened?

Peasant 2 [Cain or Abel]: (raises his arm) No, I don't!

Peasant 4: Me neither. I was right on the other side of town when we burned
           her.

        (Peasant 2 hits Peasant 4 in the back of the head.)

Peasant 2: Shh!

Edmund: You burned her? Why?

Peasant 2: (trying to act baffled) I don't know.

Peasant 4: Well, it was because she was a witch, wasn't it?

Peasant 2: Shh!

        (Peasant 2 hits Peasant 4 in the back of the head.)

Edmund: You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why?

        (Peasant 1 and Peasant 3 arrive.)

Peasant 4: Can't say -- it's a secret.

Edmund: A secret? (puts his hands on his hips) Do you know who I am?

Peasant 2: A stranger.

Edmund: Oh yes, that's right. Well, tell me anyway.

Peasant 2: No, no! We can't! And I'll tell you why: because if you'd been part
           of a secret committee to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant into
           town, and he'd already burnt four of your best friends, would you
           go telling everyone?

Edmund: No, I suppose I wouldn't. So, is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who
        burned her?

Peasant 3: He's guessed!

Peasant 1: He's clever.

Baldrick: They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know.

Edmund: Well, they don't call me Clever Ja-- oh, I see. So what does this
        Witchsmeller man look like?

Peasant 1: No-one knows, My Lord -- no-one!

        (a dark hooded figure with glowing red eyes filters in as Peasant 3
         speaks)

Peasant 3: He's a master of disguise, and he mostly appears only at night.
           (to the hooded figure) That's right, isn't it!

Witchsmeller: (for it is he) I believe so. (goes to behind Edmund)

Edmund: Ah, right, so he won't be around, now. (Witchsmeller has removed his
        hood) Well, let me tell you something: If this so-called Witchsmeller
        burnt Mistress Scott--

Percy: ...and her pussycat...

Edmund: ...and her pu-- be quiet, Percy. ...then there's something wrong
        with his nose. And I should know: they don't call me Clever Pete for
        nothing.

Baldrick: (muttering) Jake, My Lord.

Edmund: What about him?

Baldrick: Clever *Jake*, My Lord.

Edmund: Where?

Baldrick: You are Clever Jake, My Lord.

Edmund: Oh yes. (??) They don't call me Clever Pete at all! They call me
        Clever Jake. And if I were you, and I'd asked the Witchsmeller into
        town, I'd kick the big-nosed bully straight out again! (to
        Witchsmeller) What do you say?

Witchsmeller: I think it's worth serious consideration.

Edmund: Well, exactly. Take Clever Tom's advice, and send him back to the
        madhouse he came from. Come on, boys. Put them down, Percy. (hits
        Percy's hand, causing cat bones to fly everywhere; this upsets Percy)
        Come on. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today.

        (Witchsmeller grins as Edmund and company leave)


(in courtroom)

Witchsmeller: (has his hands crossed; one hand has `EVIL' written on the
              fingers; the other hand has `GOOD' written on the fingers)
              I have two functions: to protect the good (turns up and opens
              the `GOOD' hand, revealing a white egg), and to crush the evil.
              (turns up and opens the `EVIL' hand, revealing a brown egg)
              Watch! (he squeezes the eggs; both of them break)

Harry: Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! Erm, actually, you have crushed
       both eggs, you know.

Witchsmeller: Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil.
              (he holds up the remains of the evil egg)

        (Baldrick enters)

Baldrick: My lords; The Duke of Edinburgh.

        (Edmund and Percy enter)

Harry: Ah, Edmund! Come on in, come on in. The Witchsmeller's arrived.

Edmund: Oh yes? Old Bignose is back, is he?

        (Witchsmeller turns, recognising Edmund's voice. They both realise
         that they were the ones in the village. Edmund is very surprised.)

Edmund: Oh, hello... I'm delighted to meet you. Why, I'm one of your greatest
        admirers.

Witchsmeller: "Old Bignose is back"??

Edmund: Yes. (points down the hall) Old Bignose is back. He's in a terrible
        state. I was talking to him just now. He's a great admirer of yours
        as well.

Percy: Who's this?

Edmund: Er (motions down the hall again), Old Bignose... (Percy just is
        confused; Edmund speaks again to Witchsmeller) In fact, I was (??)
        hearing about your work in (Taunton?). Imagine that -- every single
        person in the village having an affair with the same duck.

Witchsmeller: The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance.

Edmund: And I hear you very kindly burned our Mistress Scott for us.

Witchsmeller: Oh yes. (turns to Percy) And her pussycat.

Edmund: Ah, but have you found the chief witch yet?

Witchsmeller: I feel I may be very close.

Edmund: Ooh, get the kindling ready! Make sure that stake is well done!

Harry: Witchsmeller, my dear, if you do happen to come across someone who's
       a bit -- you know, um -- witchy, how do you prove him guilty?

Witchsmeller: By trial or by ordeal.

Edmund: Ah, the ordeal by water...

Witchsmeller: No, by axe.

Edmund: (suspecting something like that) Oh!

Witchsmeller: The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block (he pushes
              Edmund's neck with his sword), and an axe aimed at his neck. If
              the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck (he bounces
              his sword against Edmund's neck), so we burn him; if he is not
              guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off (he slices his
              sword down; Edmund stands up straight just in time).

Edmund: What a very fair test that is.

Witchsmeller: Would you like to take a less violent test yourself, Your
              Highness, by way of *demon*stration? (he has brought forth
              a small table)

Edmund: How much less violent?

Witchsmeller: I place before the suspect a dagger and crucifix... (he does so)

Harry: Oh, how interesting!

Witchsmeller: The suspect is blindfolded, and if he picks up the dagger from
              the table, he is Satan's bedfellow.

Harry: Yes, Edmund, I think you should do it, eh? At least take yourself out
       of the running, wot!

Lord 2: I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness!

Harry: (to Lord 2) Oh, very good, (?)! Very good!

Edmund: I'm not so sure about all this, you know... (Witchsmeller puts a bag
        over his head)

Harry: Oh, come on!

        (Edmund takes one final look at the dagger and knife on the table,
         then replaces the bag.)

Witchsmeller: You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker.
              (he points his sword to something behind everyone, causing them
              to turn; he switches the knife and crucifix positions)
              Choose!

Edmund: (reaches down confidently and picks up the dagger) There we are!

        (Everyone is shocked)

Lord 2: Prince Edmund's a witch!

Harry: How the devil did that happen?

        (Edmund removes the bag and sees what he is holding)

Witchsmeller: (now carrying a large cross) (??), My Lord, as I thought: This
              is the source of evil in your Kingdom. This is your witch.
              Behold; Lucifer's brother! B-b-bl-bl-b-b-BURN THE WITCH!

Edmund: Yes, er, I'm not quite sure I caught the first part of that...

Witchsmeller: (?????), My Lord, and you will know the truth.

Harry: If that's what you recommend.

Edmund: But, Harry, you can't let him do this!
        [Rowan Atkinson actually flubbed this line, saying `Henry'.]

Harry: He is very highly thought of, you know.

Edmund: But he's a quack!

Witchsmeller: What did you say?

Edmund: "Quack"! "Quack"! "Quack"!

Witchsmeller: You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him!!!
              (throws duck feathers at Edmund)

Harry: Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow!

        (Edmund burbles futilely)


(Edmund's trial, in the castle)

Officer: Lords and Ladies of England, this court is summoned to adjudge the
         most heinous of all crimes, that of witchcraft.

        (The crowd screams; Woman 1 falls from her seat, onto the floor)

Officer: Further (???) this day, as the accused is a Prince of the Realm.
         Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

        (The guards make Edmund stand and take his place; the crowd gasps)

Woman 2: Look at his hair!

Woman 1: His hair proves it!

Officer: Who will defend the accused...

        (Percy stands)

Officer: ...and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a
         partner in Satan if the accused is found guilty?

        (Percy sits, acting quite interested in his book and quill)

Baldrick: Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. (motions at Percy to
          stand)

Percy: Oh, yes, yes, me, sorry, yes... Hello...

Witchsmeller: (arriving, carrying a Bible) Witch!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: Witch!!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: (now in front of Percy) WITCH!!!

        (The crowd cheers)

Woman 2: Look at his hair!

Woman 1: His hair proves it!

Witchsmeller: (to Harry) My Lord, will you force us to listen to the pleadings
              of a man who may be a witch himself?

        (The crowd gasps)

Harry: You know, you're absolutely right. Yes, well, that concludes the case
       for the defence. Thank you, Lord Percy. Let the prosecutor begin.

Witchsmeller: Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?

Edmund: Yes, of course I am.

Witchsmeller: Can you say the Lord's Prayer?

Edmund: Well, yes -- I can say it backwards if you like!

Witchsmeller: CONFESSION!

        (The crowd cheers)

Witchsmeller: Now, Edmund, I believe you have a pussycat...

Edmund: Yes.

Witchsmeller: Ohh!

        (The crowd `Ohh's)

Witchsmeller: Its name is Bubbles?

Edmund: Right.

Witchsmeller: Yes, or, to give it its full name, Beelzebubbles!!!

        (The crowd screams; Woman 1 falls off her seat, to the floor)

Witchsmeller: Do you deny that you were seen, on the Feast of St. Jacob the
              Turgid, speaking to this little cat Bubbles?

Edmund: Well, of course I deny it!

Witchsmeller: Ah, but the chambermaid Mary heard you say, and I quote, "Hello,
              little Bubbles, would you like some milk?"

Edmund: Well, I might have said *that*!

Witchsmeller: Ah!!!

        (The crowd `Ah's)

Witchsmeller: And what did you mean by it?

Edmund: Well, I meant, would the cat like some milk.

Witchsmeller: Milk? What did you mean by `milk'?

Edmund: I meant *milk*! Bloody *milk*!!!

Witchsmeller: BLOODY MILK!!! It was a mixture of milk and blood!

Edmund: No, no, just milk!

Witchsmeller: Ah, blood was to come later!

Edmund: (pleading) There wasn't any blood!

Witchsmeller: SO YOU HAD TO MAKE DO WITH MILK!!!

        (the crowd screams and cheers; Percy leans back in his chair, defeated)

Witchsmeller: I (??), My Lord. (??) you have a horse called Black Satin?

Edmund: Yes.

Witchsmeller: Yes, and do you confess than on the thirtieth day of
              (Norris time?) you did say to this horse Black Satin, and I
              quote, "Satin, would you like some carrots?"

Edmund: Well, I might have done -- he likes carrots.

Witchsmeller: Carrots?

Edmund: (suspicious of the question) Yes, carrots...

Witchsmeller: But, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that carrots are the
              Devil's favourite food!

Percy: (stands) No! No, we don't. If the Devil likes carrots, why isn't
       mentioned in the Bible, then? Why doesn't it say, "And He took the
       Lord up to the top of an high mountain and offered Him a carrot"?

Edmund: Yes, why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots" in the Ten Commandments?

Witchsmeller: IT IS!

        (The crowd cheers)

Witchsmeller: (opening his Bible) The Ten Commandments of (Jeremoth?), in the
              Appendix to the Apocrypha: "And the Lord said unto the children
              of (Bedinibott?), `Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree
              that is known as the Carrot Tree'."

Baldrick: Carrots don't grow on trees!

Witchsmeller: Oh really? And how did you get to know so much about carrots,
              eh?

        (The crowd laughs)

Witchsmeller: WITCH!

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: (dramatically) My Lord, I call my first witness!

        (The crowd cheers)

(Later, the witness is on the stand. He is Edmund's horse, Black Satin.)

Witchsmeller: Now, Satin, just relax. You're among friends. Good. Now, tell
              me, in your own words: Did you, Satin, on certain nights last
              (Gareth's?) tide, indulge -- albeit, I accept, in all innocence
              -- infrenzied, naked, and obscene Satanic orgies with your
              master, known to you as the Great Grumbledook?

Edmund: What?

Witchsmeller: Silence, Grumbledook! Satin, you're not replying. (to Harry)
              He's not replying, My Lord. Are we to assume this horse has
              something to hide?

Edmund: Either that or he can't talk.

Witchsmeller: A likely story. Black Satin, known in the Hierarchy of Evil as
              Black Satin the Loquacious, are you or are you not the servant
              of Satan?

        (The crowd screams; Black Satin whinnies)

Harry: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Was that a yea or a nay?

Witchsmeller: It was a neigh, My Lord, but I don't believe a word of it.
              I call for a recess. He may think he (controls us?), but
              we have ways of making him talk!

        (The crowd cheers)


(Later, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are in a cell. The Queen is outside of it.)

Queen: Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch.

Edmund: Mother, I'm not a witch!

Queen: Oh, Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber.

Edmund: Mother, I beg of you: use whatever power you have to help me.

Queen: I haven't had any power for years, you know.

Edmund: But Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise...

Queen: Otherwise what?

Edmund: Well, otherwise, I'll be burnt!

Queen: Ah, yes, this would be a pity.

Edmund: Well, thanks.

Queen: I'll see if I can sort out something. (leaves)

Percy: My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this.

Edmund: Yes?

Percy: Send for all the greatest lawyers in the land, and they could save you!

Edmund: Brilliant! Contact them at once.

Percy: I've already done it, My Lord! (holds up some pages of paper)

Edmund: Oh, Percy, thank you! Are those the letters?

Percy: (a bit reluctant) Er, yes...

Edmund: Read them.

Percy: (more reluctant) Very well. Erm, this is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset:
       (reads) "What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your
       master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves at a
       later date."

Edmund: Yes... (looks at another one, held by Baldrick) What does that one say?

Baldrick: It's from John Watts.

Edmund: Oh, `Stinker' Watts!

Baldrick: (reads; although Percy puts forward a hand as though he'd rather
          it wasn't read) "Dear Percy: I remember being at school with Prince
          Edmund and yourself, and so was very interested by your letter.

Edmund: Yes?

Baldrick: "May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."

Edmund: Oh no, I'm doomed!

Baldrick: Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!

Edmund: Oh! What is it?

Baldrick: Well--

        (The guards, Soft and Anon, come into the foreground)

Soft: My wife was wondering whether you'd like to come round for dinner
      tonight.

Anon: No, thanks.

Soft: Why not?

Anon: Well, the food tastes like manure, and, frankly, I find you both very
      boring.

Soft: Oh, fair enough. How about *next* Thursday, then?

Anon: Er, yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight?

Soft: Yeah, (?), be there.

        (Baldrick has finished telling his plan)

Edmund: Brilliant! (laughs, shakes Baldrick's hand) Well done, Baldrick!
        Very cunning! You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its
        wings!

        (The guards chat some more)

Soft: By the way, how's that eagle of yours?

Anon: Oh, fine, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, but, now
      I've clipped its wings, no problem!

Soft: Glad to hear it.

        (As the guards separate again, Edmund goes to the bars.)

Edmund: Tomorrow, I shall not be so meek! (laughs in his silly evil way)


(at the trial again; everyone is booing and hissing and Edmund and company,
 but Edmund sneers back, Percy raspberries back, and Baldrick spits back)

Witchsmeller: (holding a page of paper) My Lord, unhappily, the horse, blessed
              Satin the Confessor, who was to have been our first witness
              today...

Harry: Yes?

Witchsmeller: ...cannot be with us.

Harry: Oh dear.

Witchsmeller: However, before he died--

Edmund: You bastard!

Witchsmeller: ...he did make this signed confession. I'll read it to you.
              "I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the
              servant of Satan...

        (The crowd gasps)

Witchsmeller: "...and I spoke to him on the matter frequently...

        (The crowd `Ooh's)

Witchsmeller: "...over a gallon" -- a gallon! -- "...a gallon of stableboy's
              blood"! (he turns the paper to display that, below the letter,
              there is a horseshoe print and splattered blood on the page)

        (The crowd screams)

Witchsmeller: (??), My Lord, this turgid, horrid, nasty and most evil case
              draws to an end. I call my last witness!

        (The crowd cheers)

Edmund: Oh yes, and what is it: a cow? a talkative badger? an easily bribed
        ant?

Witchsmeller: I call Jane Firkettle!

        (The crowd cheers as the old woman takes the stand)

Witchsmeller: Now, Mrs. Firkettle, can you see that man standing over there?

Firkettle: Which?

Witchsmeller: (as though she said `witch') That's him...

Firkettle: 'course I recognise him! (waves cutely at Edmund and kisses the air)

Edmund: She's seen me on a coin.

Witchsmeller: And have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with
              him?

Firkettle: I have...

Edmund: You must be joking!

Firkettle: ...to my deepest shame.

Edmund: And mine! I mean, look at her!

Witchsmeller: Can you describe these foul deeds?

Firkettle: After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal!

        (The crowd gasps)

Edmund: Or perhaps I do remember you...

Witchsmeller: Anything else?

Firkettle: Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child.

Edmund: Oh, for God's sake...

Witchsmeller: You bore him a son.

Firkettle: I did -- my little Johnny!

Witchsmeller: Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court?

        (The crowd looks about at each other -- one of them is a man bright
         red with a pointed black beard and horns; Witchsmeller holds a white
         poodle in Firkettle's line of sight.)

Firkettle: (points) Yes, that's him!

Witchsmeller: I give you John Grumbledook!!! (holds the poodle up high)

        (The crowd screams)

Lord 1: His hair gives him away!

Edmund: Oh, come on -- he doesn't look the slightest bit like me.

Witchsmeller: My Lord, we have three proofs of witchcraft: a cat that drinks
              blood, a horse that talks, and a man who propogates poodles!!!

        (The crowd murmurs excitedly as Witchsmeller falls to the floor in
         his passion.)

Witchsmeller: These men must burn! These men must burn!

        (Harry turns to the other members of the tribunal, nodding; the
         crowd, led by the Officer, chants "Burn!" Then Harry sees the
         Officer getting into the crowd's excitement and looks at him a
         bit sternly, and mouths something [I can't figure out what].)

Officer: Silence for the Prince of Wales.

Harry: (stands) The verdict of this court is that the accused are found guilty
       of witchcraft.

        (The crowd cheers)

Harry: The maximum penalty that the law allows is that you be burned
       to death.

        (The crowd cheers; Edmund and company are conspicuously not worried)

Harry: However, in view of your previous good background, I am disposed to
       be lenient.

        (The crowd boos)

Harry: Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive.

        (The crowd cheers; Edmund is a bit surprised that that's lenient)

Harry: Do you have anything to say?

Percy: (cocky) Well, yes, actually, I'd quite like to say--

Edmund: Shut up, Percy!

Harry: And you, Grumbledook?

Edmund: Yes: NOW!

        (Edmund and company jump; the crowd is agape; Edmund and company
         land outside the throne room)

Edmund: Brilliant, Baldrick! How you managed that, I'll never know.

        (They're a bit disoriented as to where to go. Baldrick starts down
         the hall, but Percy points to the door across the anteroom)

Percy: Quick, here!

        (The run through the door, into the throne room -- but the camera
         view remains in the anteroom. The King is heard yelling and slashing
         with his sword. The guards appear in the anteroom just as Baldrick,
         Percy and Edmund rush out of the throne room. Behind them, King has
         his sword drawn.)

King: You Turkish pigs! (goes back inside)

Edmund: Percy...

Percy: Sorry.


(Outside the castle, the stake is being prepared. A sign reads: "Public
 execution / by Burning / Friday August 11 / Indoors If Wet")

(back in the gaol cell; Edmund and company are bald, each also wearing a ball-
 and-chain. Baldrick touches Edmund, with a plan; Edmund rushes to the bars to
 talk to the guards, who find what he says very boring, even laughable)

Edmund: Look, erm, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty
        reward, perhaps letting us--

Soft: ...escape...

Edmund: ...by dressing up as washer women... \
                                              >
Soft and Anon: ...washer women...            /

Edmund: ...and carrying us out in three large wicker laundry baskets? \
                                                                       >
Soft and Anon: ...three large wicker laundry baskets...               /

Edmund: No, I suppose not. (goes back into the cell)

Soft: (to Anon) Here comes the wife.

        (The guards stand to attention. Anon opens the cell door for Edmund's
         wife -- Princess Leia, a child of about six years -- and his mother,
         the Queen.)

Leia: Hello, Edmund.

Edmund: Hello, dear...

Leia: (giggles) You look funny!

Edmund: Yes -- I've had all my hair cut off.

Leia: Oh yes, that's it.

Edmund: Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there?

Leia: Oh, no -- everyone's really looking forward to it. Hello, boys.

Percy and Baldrick: Good morning, Your Majesty...

Leia: I have to go to my room, which isn't fair, but, in fact... (steps
      forward, leans closer to them)

Edmund, Percy and Baldrick: (excited) Yes?

Leia: I think I might even get a better view from the window!

Edmund: (disappointed, naturally) Oh, great...

Leia: Well, I think I better be going. (turns to leave, but Queen mouths to
      her, "Don't forget (something)," so she turns back) Oh yes -- your mummy
      asked me to give you this. (holds out a bag)

Edmund: (excited again, eagerly tries to take out what's inside) Oh great!
        What is it; a knife? a file? a small bucket of water?

Leia: No, silly! It's a dolly.

Edmund: (finally pulls it out of the bag; looks at it; is once more
        disappointed) So it is. Yes it is. Great, great. It's just what we
        needed.

Leia: Goodbye, Edmund. (she and Queen begin to walk out)

Edmund: Goodbye, dear. (surprised that his mother isn't saying a last goodbye)
        Mother!

Queen: Yes? Oh -- bye bye, dear.


(later, outside; Witchsmeller is carrying the large cross, chanting "Burn the
 witch!" to excite the crowd as Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are carried in
 on wooden racks behind him; Witchsmeller stands by the waiting kindling,
 where Harry is standing, while the trio is put against the stake)

Harry: I suppose, really, this must be one of the most difficult parts of the
       job for you.

Witchsmeller: (disinterested) Yes.

Harry: And for the witch, as well.

Witchsmeller: Of course. (takes the torch out of the kindling)

        (The crowd cheers)

Baldrick: My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Edmund: Oh, fuck off, Baldrick! I think I might be able to stall him.

Witchsmeller: Well, Grumbledook, your time has come. Do you wish to confess?

Edmund: No.

Witchsmeller: Very well. (bends down to start the fire)

Edmund: Er, no, sorry -- yes! Yes, I do, in fact!

Witchsmeller: CONFESSION!!

        (The crowd cheers)

Edmund: I should like to confess, in front of God and this -- rather small --
        crowd, that I have, occasionally, done things wrong.

Witchsmeller: Be more specific.

Edmund: Er, well, I have erred and strayed like a lost ox--

Witchsmeller: Sheep!

Edmund: er, sheep; I have (accoveted?) my father's adultery...

Witchsmeller: Get on with it!

Edmund: I have not honoured my neighbour's ass...

Witchsmeller: Oh, light the fires!!!

Edmund: I'm a witch! I'm a witch!

Percy: Me too! Me too!

        (The crowd cheers)

(Later, the fire is blazing; the crowd is chanting "Burn! Burn! Burn!")

Edmund: Oh, damn -- I'm not even comfortable. (he drops the doll into the
        fire; it is of a hooded figure with bright red eyes carrying a
        large cross)

Witchsmeller: (suddenly dropping the torch) Agh! How fast this heat travels!
              (shields himself from the fire with his cloak)

Harry: Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it.

        (The doll is beginning to smoke, as is Witchsmeller)

Witchsmeller: I feel as if I am on fire!

Harry: I know -- I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments, as well.

        (Witchsmeller's cross suddenly catches fire)

Witchsmeller: I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning!

        (The doll catches aflame, as does Witchsmeller)

Harry: Yes, but I expect you're jolly glad of that cloak in the winter.

        (Witchsmeller staggers around, on fire)

Harry: (finally noticing) Good lord!

        (Witchsmeller screams as he's burned to death. The flames around
         Edmund, Percy and Baldrick go in reverse, then their bonds break.)

Edmund: Well done, Baldrick!

Percy: Yes, that was a close shave. (he runs his hand across his shaven head)
       Thank you, Baldrick.

        (Baldrick shrugs, baffled)


(In the castle, the King enters the anteroom feeling fine. He stretches and
 rests his sword on his shoulder. Queen is doing some knitting; Leia watches
 what's going on outside)

King: 'morning, my love.

Queen: Ah, 'morning, dear.

King: (chuckles happily) 'morning, Princess.

Leia: Good morning.

King: What's going on out there?

Leia: Well, Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive, when (???) came
      along--

Queen: Darling, shh shh shh. (to King) Nothing, my dear -- it's all sorted
       out now.

King: Oh, good, good...

        (Queen winks and twitches her nose. Sparkles fly out of her eyes.
         Leia looks on in surprise. The Black Adder logo comes from her
         mouth as the closing theme begins.)


Cast in Order of Witchiness

The Great Grumbledook . . . . . . Rowan Atkinson
The Witchsmeller Pursuivant . . . Frank Finlay
The Witch Queen . . . . . . . . . Elspet Gray
Percy, A Witch  . . . . . . . . . Tim McInnerny
Baldrick, A Witch . . . . . . . . Tony Robinson
Ross, A Lord  . . . . . . . . . . Richard Murdoch
Angus, A Lord . . . . . . . . . . Valentine Dyall
Fife, A Lord  . . . . . . . . . . Peter Schofield
Soft, A Guard . . . . . . . . . . Stephen Frost
Anon, A Guard . . . . . . . . . . Mark Arden
Daft Ned, A Peasant . . . . . . . Perry Benson
Dim Cain, A Peasant . . . . . . . Bert Parnaby
Dumb Abel, A Peasant  . . . . . . Roy Evans
Dopey Jack, A Peasant . . . . . . Forbes Collins
Officer, An Officer . . . . . . . Patrick Duncan
Jane Firkettle  . . . . . . . . . Barbara Miller
Princess Leia . . . . . . . . . . Natasha King
Piers, A Yeoman . . . . . . . . . Howard Lew Lewis
Mrs. Field, A Goodwife  . . . . . Sarah Thomas
Mrs. Tyler, A Goodwife  . . . . . Louise Gold
Richard IV, A King  . . . . . . . Brian Blessed
Stuntman  . . . . . . . . . . . . Gareth Milne

Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson
With additional dialogue by William Shakespeare

A BBC TV Production in association with The Seven Network, Australia

(etc.)


(that night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick walk through the castle gate, still
 bald)

Percy: I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat!

        (Edmund thwaps him on the cheek)

MADE IN GLORIOUS TELEVISION (C) BBC MCMLXXXIII

Blackadder I, Episode 4 - The Queen of Spains Beard

The Black Adder I, Episode 4

The Queen of Spain's Beard

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


(On the castle ramparts at night, in darkness; two hooded figures meet)

Lady: O noble prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. The castle
      of my body is yours by right of conquest. Come, let your tongue dive
      into the moat of my mouth and let your hands take possession of the
      ramparts of my plumpies, for I'm yours (removes her cloak) and yours
      alone!

Man: (taking off his hood, revealing he's Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh)
     And I'm yours!

Lady: Eugh! Edmund!  I thought you your brother! (pushes Edmund off the
      rampart; dogs are heard attacking him)

(Opening theme)

Caption: In 1492, after the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse
         of the Treaty of Insects, Europe was in disarray. Kingdoms rose and
         fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own
         side and women raped by soldiers from up to seven different nations
         every week.

(The King is on the floor in a room with a large map and large figures.
 Lord Chiswick is on the floor beating a drum, and two other men are
 standing, looking over a large piece of paper.)

Caption: The courts of Europe throbbed with activity, and none more so
         than England....

King: (???)

Chiswick: (stops beating the drum)  Yes, My Lord.  (begins to pick up one of
          the human figures)

King: The Swiss are always cowards.

        (Chiswick doesn't pick up the figure, and goes back to drum-beating.)

King: (????????????)

        (Messenger 3 enters)

Messenger 3: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.

King: Excellent! (to one of the men standing) Wessex, while they're away,
      take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.

Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.

King: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?

        (Lord Wessex leaves)

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in symapthy
      for the death of his son.

Chiswick: The one you had murdered, My Lord...

King: Yes, that's the fellow.

        (enter Prince Harry)

Harry: Father--

Messenger 3: (turns to Harry) My Lord--

Harry: (shouts) Will you get away from me!!!

        (Messenger 3 runs out)

King: (laughs) Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know
      where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...

Harry: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.

King: (points to Harry's groin) There.

Harry: (lifts his robes) Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real
       interest down there.

King: Let me explain. What's that for?

Harry: Well, a couple of things...

King: Correct, and one of those things is...?

Harry: Best not mentioned, really.

King: Right! And the other is fornication!

        (Harry looks a bit surprised, as though that wasn't the one he thought
         was mentionable.)

King: And without fornication, there is no marriage; and without marriage,
      there is no diplomacy.

Harry: Oh I see!

King: Very good. Come on, let me explain further. (takes Harry to the map on
      the floor) You see, my boy, I have decided to ally to a nation most
      threatening to France. The answer, of course, is -- Chiswick...

        (Chiswick moves one of the human figures on the map.)

King: ...Spain. And the best way to cement an alliance, of course, is
      marriage. Therefore, I have decided that you shall marry the Spanish
      Infanta! (laughs)

Chiswick: (shakes King's hand) Oh, congratulations, Your Majesty!

Harry: Actually, I don't think I can.

King: What? Why not?

Harry: Well, I am already engaged.

King: (louder) What? Who to, boy?

Harry: Princess Leia of Hungary... and the Grand Duchess Ursula of Branden-
       burg; and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland; and, er (starts to read from a
       a list), Countess Caroline of Luxembourg; Bertha of Flanders; Bertha
       of Brussels; Bernard of Saxe-Coburg; and Jezebel of Estonia. (Confused
       about the male name in there, he checks his list) No no no, sorry,
       that should be >Bertha< of Saxe-Coburg... (looks shocked at the list)
       ...and >Jeremy< of Estonia.

King: Damn, damn, damn, damn! But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then
      the whole plan falls apart!

Chiswick: Your Majesty...

King: Yes?

Chiswick: You do have another son, My Lord.

King: What? (realises this a fact) By God, of course! You're right. The
      slimy one -- what's his name?

Chiswick: Edmund, My Lord.

King: Yes, Osmund. Osmund can marry the Infanta!

Harry: Excellent!

King: Then with the Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the
      French, (`Huzzah!' from the three other men; he slashes with his sword)
      by dividing their forces into two (`Huzzah!') -- preferably their top
      halves from their bottom! (`Huzzah!')

(cut to Edmund washing off his dog bite wounds; Percy and Baldrick enter)

Percy: 'morning, My Lord. (gives Edmund's dwarf a scrap of food)

Baldrick: 'morning, My Lord.

Edmund: 'morning.

Baldrick: My God, what's happened to your neck?

Edmund: Erm, er, well, well, well, well, they're love bites, actually!

Baldrick: Look more like dog bites to me.

Edmund: Well, yes, yes, she was, erm, a bit of an animal!

Percy: Really, My Lord!

Edmund: Oh yes!

Percy: Fight to the death, eh! (they both laugh; Baldrick goes over to feed
       the dwarf)

Edmund: Oh yes. Well, as my tutor, Old Bubbleface used to say, "Make love
        and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

Baldrick: Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites.

Edmund: They are >not< dog bites! She was very attractive.

Baldrick: Yeah: shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...

Edmund: No, Baldrick! It was a woman!

Baldrick: Fair enough, My Lord.

Edmund: Right. Now that's sorted out. Percy, what are we up to today?

Percy: Well, My Lord, first, I thought that you and I (he and Edmund sneer at
       Baldrick, the lowly peasant) might get out a couple of prisoners, and
       actually I think Baldrick may have a point there; they do look rather
       like dog bites.

Edmund: (jumps around) Yes, yes, all right, all right! They're dog bites!
        They're dog bites! I've got bitten by a dog! A woman pushed me off
        off a rampart because she thought I was so hideously ugly, and I got
        ravaged by a raving dog! Does that satisfy you?

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord, yes!

Edmund: Good! Excellent! Good! Right! Yes, Percy, you were saying?

Percy: Right, My Lord. Well, I thought that we might...so it wasn't a woman?

Edmund: (jumps again) No! It was a dog! It was a dog! It was a bloody great
        dog! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar!

Percy: Right, My Lord.

Edmund: Ar!

Percy: Of course, Harry gets all the women, doesn't he?

Baldrick: Yeah.

Edmund: Shut up! I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.

Baldrick: What about dogs?

Edmund: ...or dog-- Shut up, Baldrick. I never want to see a woman again. If
        any woman wants to talk to me, you can warn her: The Black Adder is
        a venomous reptile, and women are his prey.

        (There is a knock at the door)

Edmund: Enter! Unless you're a woman, in which case, prepare to be thrown
        out of the window!! with your dog...

        (Messenger 3 enters.)

Messenger 3: My Lord, I bring a message.

Edmund: Yes, obviously -- you're a messenger.

Messenger 3: You are engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.

Edmund: (puts his hands on his hips) What?

Messenger 3: (puts his hands on his hips) My Lord, I bring a message.
             You are engaged--

Edmund: Yes, yes, yes... (waves his hand)

        (Messenger 3 waves his hand)

Edmund: Ah... (puts his hand on his neck)

        (Messenger 3 puts his hand on his neck)

Edmund: Go on, get out. (waves his other hand, then starts to push Messenger 3)

        (Messenger 3 waves his other hand, then starts to push Edmund)

Edmund: Get out! (pushes Messenger 3 with both hands)

        (Messenger 3 pushes Edmund with both hands)

Edmund: Out, out, out! (manages to close the door behind Messenger 3)
        Well, boys, did you hear that? I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.

Percy: Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her?

Edmund: What?

Percy: "The Black Adder is venomous reptile--"

Edmund: No, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful
        royal princess. Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.

        (Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs.)

(at the court)

Harry: (approaches Edmund, Percy and Baldrick; he is escorting a beautiful
       black-haired young woman) Ah, bienvenido a nuestro castillo. Espero
       que encuentre los desagues a sus satisfaccion.

Edmund: (enthralled by the woman's beauty; giggles a bit before coming
        to his senses) Hmm?

Harry: It's Spanish. It means "Welcome to our castle. I hope you find the
       drains to your satisfaction." Well, here you are (gives Edmund a piece
       a paper); I've jotted it down for you. It should help to break the ice
       with the Infanta.

        (Edmund looks confused)

Harry: Oh, by the way, I don't think you know the Countess Caroline
       of Luxembourg.

Edmund: (disappointed that this woman wasn't the Infanta) No. How do you do,
        young lady?

Harry: Well, good luck. (Walks away, speaking to Caroline) Er, bienvenu a
       notre chateau, Caroline. J'espere que vous trouvez......

Edmund: Luxembourg, hah!

Baldrick: My God, have you ever seen anyone so obviously seething with
          jealousy?

Edmund: No, I haven't!

Baldrick: Seethe, seethe, seethe. If he goes on seething like that much longer,
          he'll turn into a seethe.

Edmund: Baldrick, what are you talking about?

Percy: My Lord...

Edmund: Yes, what is it?

Percy: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than
       the famous Stone of Galveston.

Edmund: Mm! ... What?

Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.

Edmund: And what's that, exactly?

Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes (points dramatically)
       from Galveston.

Edmund: I see. And what about it?

Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.

Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?

Percy: (nods) No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who
       have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.

Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?

Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.

Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.

Percy: No, My Lord.

Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never
        seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.

Percy: (finally begins to grasp) Yes, My Lord.

        (A fanfare is played as a rather fat woman enters, followed by a
         tall Spaniard.)

Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole
        in the head...

        (Percy bows. The woman sees Edmund and is very excited. She and the
         Spaniard approach him, while he still talks to Percy. Baldrick sees
         her and from now on constantly tries subtly to get Edmund's
         attention.)

Edmund: ...an affliction of which you must be familiar, never actually having
        had a brain.

        (The woman -- the Infanta -- is standing behind Edmund, while her
         interpreter -- Don Speekingleesh -- is beside him.)

Don: Hello.

Edmund: (turns briefly) Hello. (turns back to Percy) Here I am awaiting the
        arrival of the most beautiful, ravishing--

Don: Hello!

Edmund: Look, leave me alone, will you, I'm trying to talk to someone.
        (to Percy) ...while you're wittering away like a pox-ridden \
        moor hen--                                                   \
                                                                     /
Infanta: Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio!    /

Don: You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!

Edmund: What? (turns to Percy) Percy, is he a friend of yours?
        Someone you (???)?           \
                                      >
Infanta: (???????????)!              /

Don: You are the only one for me. I merely want to hug and kiss you!

        (Edmund punches Don)

Infanta: Esto la Infanta!

Don: I am the Infanta!

Edmund: What? No-one told me you had a beard! Ha!

Percy: Must be Jeremy of Estonia!

Edmund: The very (???)

Infanta: (moves to in front of Edmund) Esto la Infanta!

Edmund: Well, absolutely...  (quintupletakes; leaps frightenedly into Percy's
        arms)

Infanta: Esperara que esto momento todo mi viva! (kisses Edmund)

Don: I have waited for this moment all of my life!

Infanta: Tu nariz mas pequen~a que yo esperara.

Don: Your nose is smaller than I expected.

Edmund: I have suffered no similar disappointment.

        (Don whispers interpretations into Infanta's ear; and does so
         throughout the rest of the episode.)

Infanta: Oh, amor mio! amor mio! (kisses Edmund)

Don: My love, my love.

        (The kiss lasts for several seconds; bringing Edmund to his feet;
         finally he is able to push away.)

Infanta: Oh! Me gusta tu labios!

Don: Your lips I like.

        (Edmund feels his lips, as though they may have been sucked off.)

Infanta: Esto de tu cuerpo lo que me interese!

Don: It is the rest of your body I wish to find out more about!

        (Infanta licks her lips; Edmund covers his face, then peeks through
         a couple fingers for a moment before covering again)

(cut to map room; King speaks to Lord Chiswick, who again beats on the drum)

King: ???? and (?) their gizzards. (laughs)

        (Messenger 1 arrives)

Messenger 1: My Lord, news...

King: What?

Messenger 1: The Spanish Infanta has arrived.

King: Ah, good news!

        (Messenger 1 leaves)

King: Soon we will have Spain in our grip.

        (Messenger 2 arrives)

Messenger 2: My Lord, news...

King: What?

Messenger 2: The King of France sends his greetings.

King: Ah, good news!

        (Messenger 2 leaves)

King: My diplomacy triumphs.

        (Messenger 3 arrives)

Messenger 3: My Lord, news...

King: What?

Messenger 3: Lord Wessex is dead.

King: (raises his arms in triumph; Messenger 3 raises his arms too)
      Ah-- (lowers his arms) This news is not so good.

Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?

King: I like it not. Bring me some other news.

Messenger 3: Pardon, My Lord?

King: I LIKE NOT THIS NEWS! BRING ME SOME OTHER NEWS!!!

Messenger 3: Yes, My Lord!

        (Messenger 3 leaves; King tosses things aroung angrily;
         Messenger 4 enters -- actually just Messenger 3 pretending to be
         a new messenger delivering new news.)

Messenger 4: My Lord, news...

King: What?

Messenger 4: Lord Wessex is not dead.

King: Ah, good news! (lifts his arms halfway; Messenger 4 does also)
      Let there be joy and celebration; let jubilation reign!

Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord.

King: Oh yes (points at Messenger 4; Messenger 4 points at King): and tell
      Osmund that, to further strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.

Messenger 4: Yes, My Lord. (leaves)

King: (seeing that he broke one of the horse figures in his earlier rampage,
      tosses it aside) Chiswick, fresh horses!

(in Edmund's room; Percy sits alone, holding his head as though in pain;
 Edmund and Baldrick rush in)

Edmund: Oh my God! In twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! (locks
        the door)

Baldrick: But, My Lord, you can't just lock her out, you know.

Edmund: Well, you may be right. (pulls on a rope, causing a metal gate to
        shut down in the doorway; he then holds a club with several metal
        spikes coming out) That should hold her for at least a minute!

Percy: Wait a moment, My Lord. I think I may have a plan to get you out of
       this marriage.

Edmund: Yes, but it's a stupid plan, Percy, let's face it!

Percy: (offended) Oh, well, yes, yes, maybe you're right.

Edmund: (desperate) But... tell me what it is anyway.

Percy: Er, no, actually I don't think I'll bother, My Lord.

Edmund: Oh, please, please tell me what your plan is, please tell me, please
        tell me.

Percy: (enjoying seeing Edmund grovel) All right: I go along to the Infanta's
       room and tell her that you've gone mad. She comes to the door, and you
       meet her disguised as a little pig. Then -- and this is the cunning
       bit -- instead of saying `oink oink', you say `mooooo'!

Edmund: Then...?

Percy: Well, then she'll know you're mad, and leave!

        (Edmund points up; Percy looks up; Edmund slaps Percy)

Edmund: You were right, Percy -- you shouldn't have bothered.

Baldrick: My Lord...

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: I also have a plan.

Edmund: Yes?

Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?

Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!

Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, >intimate< company of men...?

Edmund: You don't mean...like the Earle of Doncaster...?

Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.

Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of
        Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was
        seventeen.

Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?

Edmund: Well, no-one wou-- (realises) Brilliant! Of course! No-one would
        marry the Earle of Doncaster! ... except, perhaps, the Duke of
        Beaufort. Well, what are we going to do?

Baldrick: Well, first we've got to get you looking right. Just need to drape
          something effeminate round your shoulders.

Edmund: Either of the Beaufort Twins should do.

(a little later; Edmund now has some bright green fabric draped off his
 shoulders)

Baldrick: Right, perfect. Now all you need to do is practise with Percy.

Edmund: (shocked) Practise what?

Baldrick: Presentation, My Lord!

Edmund: Oh, I see.

Baldrick: (moving Percy) You stand over here, and, My Lord, just there.
          Right; now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try and make himself
          attractive to you.

Percy: Attractive?

Edmund: You know, like the Earle of Doncaster.

Percy: Good lord! Well, er, fair enough. (waves seductively at Edmund)

Edmund: No, you act normal! I'm the Earle of Doncaster!

Percy: Oh, I see.

Edmund: It's me... Right.

Baldrick: Right. (holds his arm between them, rather like the referee of a
          boxing match) Go! (stands aside)

        (Edmund makes funny faces, not seductive at all)

Edmund: Oh my God, this is impossible! I can't do this!

Baldrick: Never mind. I've a couple more things that might help. (exits)

Edmund: Percy, Percy, what am I going to do?

Percy: Well, perhaps we could try and strike up a conversation.

Edmund: Ah, right. Erm...

Percy: (in a high-pitched -- not falsetto -- voice) Hello there!

Edmund: (in his normal voice) Er, hello. How are you?

Percy: I'm fine. Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Spanish
       Infanta.

Edmund: No he damn well isn't!!! (attacks Percy) And anyone who (????)!
        Do you hear me?

        (Percy falls to the floor on his hands and knees. Edmund comes up
         behind him, grabbing Percy's neck.  Baldrick enters, carrying some
         more effeminate clothing, and sees them in this position.)

Baldrick: (smiling) Yes, that's the kind of thing!

        (Edmund quickly stands up)

(at court; Edmund now wears a lot of colourful things, including a hat and
 lipstick, and dangles a handkerchief; Percy has some sort of colourful rod,
 perhaps a riding crop, which he toys with effeminately; Baldrick dangles a
 handkerchief)

        (a fanfare is played)

Edmund: Look out, here she comes! (they strike up effeminate poses)

        (King enters)

King: (passing Edmund) 'morning, Doncaster! (turns to Lord Chiswick, giving
      him an urn) Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples.

Chiswick: What is it, My Lord?

King: The King of Naples.

Chiswick: Immediately, My Lord. (he and King exit)

        (a fanfare is played)

Edmund: Right. Quick, quick! (they return to their effeminate poses)

        (Prince Harry enters, escorting another beautiful young woman)

Edmund: (not wishing to appear this way in front of the beautiful woman,
        he tries to take off the hat) Oh my God!

Harry: (sees Edmund's getup) Ah, some lark for the stag party, wot?

Edmund: Erm, yes, yes, that's right.

Harry: I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.

Edmumd: (as deeply as he can) No. How do you do, Ursula?

Harry: Actually, I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the
       wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.

Edmund: (reacting to the word `fruit', tries to speak even deeper) Yes...?

Harry: Something like, er, "It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome
       you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in
       turn, cherries you..." -- `Cherish', you see -- "...even though it's
       an oranged marriage." (they laugh; Edmund deeply) Good, eh?

Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.

Harry: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a `banana'
       by the end of the day. (walks off, talking to Ursula) Wilkommen in
       unserer Schloss, Ursula...

        (a fanfare is played)

Baldrick: OK, My Lord, this is it. (they all pose again)

Edmund: (now speaking normally) Right...

        (The Queen enters)

Edmund: (tired of all these false alarms) Oh, Mother, for Chrissakes, what
        do you want?

Queen: (shocked at his attitude) Oh! Nothing, nothing...

Edmund: (waves her and the woman she entered with aside) dit dit dit dit!

        (Queen and the woman walk off; Infanta and Don enter before their
         fanfare is finished, before Edmund and company have a chance to
         get into their poses; she sees Edmund and starts to cry)

Edmund: It's working... It's working...

Infanta: Oh, te abrazo y te amo totalmente!

Don: Oh, I embrace and love you utterly!

Edmund: What?

Infanta: Que el amor ese este que tu a disfrazas como un espan~ol para
         complacer mi! (she hugs and kisses Edmund)

Don: Oh, what a love this must be that you dress as a Spanish man to
     delight me!

Edmund: (upset) Oh, Baldrick!

Infanta: Que amor, que amor, que amor!

Don: What love, what love, what love.

Edmund: Baldrick, you fool!

Queen: (to the woman she came in with) Look at the two lovebirds!

Edmund: One lovebird and one love-elephant!

Queen: It's almost as if they were married already.

Edmund: (while being smothered by Infanta) What did you say?

Queen: It's almost as if you were married already!

Edmund: That's what I thought you said! (he struggles) Boys...

Baldrick & Percy: Yes, My Lord.  (they try to free him from Infanta)

Edmund: I think I have another plan.

(in a corridor, Baldrick knocks a monk -- Rev. Lloyd -- unconscious;
 Edmund runs down a field where a man is on one knee, giving a bundle of
 flowers to a woman; Edmund, still in his `effeminate' dress, runs between
 them, ending up with the flowers; Percy chats with a woman -- Tally -- in a
 small cottage; she smiles surprised and giggles when she hears what he says.
 Later, in the cottage, Lloyd is setting up a makeshift altar; Tally still
 is giggling.)

Edmund: Percy, is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying the woman!

Percy: Yes, I know, but it's only for a couple of days, isn't it...

Edmund: Ah yes, that's true. Come on, hurry up, Father!

Lloyd: Er, yes, very well. Er, we are gathered here, O gracious Lord, to
       bear witness, at very short notice...

        (Tally laughs)

Lloyd: ...to the marriage of these two God-fearing Christians: er, Edmund,
       Duke of Edinburgh, and, er, Tally Applebottom.

        (Tally laughs)

Lloyd: Is that right?

Tally: Yes, that's right. Whoever would have thought it? The Duke of
       Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tally! (laughs)

Edmund: Shut up!!! Come on, get on with it, Father, will you?

Lloyd: Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Edmund: No, I'm a bowl of soup!

        (Tally laughs)

Edmund: Come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up...

Lloyd: And are you Miss Tally Applebottom?

Tally: Mrs.

Lloyd: Er, Mrs. ... (realises) Ah...

Edmund: Ah... (looks at Percy)

Percy: Ah...

Edmund: (stammers a bit) Well, never mind, get on with it, Father, come on!

Lloyd: Yes, but surely if she's--

Edmund: Look, the Church is never going to progress if it isn't just a bit
        adaptable!

Lloyd: But this is most unusual!

        (Baldrick holds a knife to Lloyd's throat)

Lloyd: Well, mind you, hasn't the Church always dealt with the unusual? The
       miracle with the fishes, for example. We'll continue. (he puts a hand
       behind his back, fingers crossed) So, no-one knows any cause or just
       impediment why these persons may not joined together in holy matimony.

Edmund: No.

Baldrick: No.

Percy: No.

Tally: No.

Lloyd: No.

        (A man -- Thomas -- enters, carrying a scythe)

Thomas: Yes!

Lloyd: Ah... (a bit confused at what's supposed to happen when someone says
       yes) And, er, you are...?

Thomas: Mr. Applebottom.

Lloyd: Then you are the father of the bride...

Thomas: No, I'm the >husband< of the...`bride'.

Tally: Oh, this is my husband, Thomas. Thomas, this is my fiance, the Duke
       of Edinburgh. Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. Thomas, this is Father O'--

Lloyd: ...Smith! I called about the ducking-stool you found. (He quickly
       begins to gather up his things)

Edmund: (he backs round and round as Thomas approaches him; Percy and Baldrick
        hide behind him) Mr. Applebottom, I was just wondering whether I could
        possibly have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. I only need
        her for a very short stint...

Thomas: Get out!!!

Edmund: Look, you stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife!

Thomas: Get out of here!!!

        (Baldrick, Percy and Edmund leave)

Tally: (shocked at her husband's behaviour) That was the Duke of Edinburgh,
       you know!

Thomas: No -- that'll be the Earle of Doncaster...

(outside the throne room; Infanta, Don and Queen sit on a bench)

Infanta: Ah, esto estas bien.

Don: Well, this is nice.

Queen: Oh, yes.

Infanta: (Hablierto?) poco de cosas de mujeres.

Don: ...to have a little talk about a lady's things.

Infanta: Si' -- los dos solas.

Don: Just the two of us.

Queen: Oh, yes, yes.

Infanta: Si', bueno. Sen~ora, hable mi de les hombres ingleses.

Don: So tell me, Mrs. Queen, about Englishmen.

Queen: Well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know, and with
       other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one
       thing!

Infanta: (grins) Que? Que?

Don: And what is that?

Queen: Well, it's a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins,
       and, of course, the other thing...

Infanta: Que el otro? Que el otro?

Don: And what is the other thing?

Queen: (as though it's obvious) Oh, well, custard!

Don: Crema!

Infanta: (laughs) No... Edmundo; que tal es?

Don: Edmund; what's he like?

Queen: Well, I told you: this pudding...

Infanta: No no no...

Queen: No?

Infanta: En la cama! (puts her hands together, resting them on her cheek)

Don: No -- what's he like in bed?

Queen: Oh. Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of
       cinnamon.

Don: No, no, no... (concentrating on the words) What is he like?

Queen: Oh. Well, he's like a little rabbit, really.

Infanta: Conejo?! (giggles excitedly about this) Mama, mama, cuanto le quiero!
         (she moves over to hug Queen, forces Don to bend forward)

Don: Mummy, mummy, how much I love him!

(in Edmund's room; Edmund, Percy and Baldrick are wearing antlers, and none
 of them are at all excited; a dog is cooking over a fire)

Edmund: I would never have believed that my stag party would be like this --
        the most depressing night of my life.

Baldrick: Well, My Lord, at least you can take solace from one thing.

Edmund: What's that?

Baldrick: You can be pretty sure your wife's a virgin.

Edmund: Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she
        wasn't, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you've still got
        to be a virgin.

Baldrick: Right.

        (Edmund gets an idea and looks at Percy.)

Percy: What, My Lord?

        (Edmund's eyes move to Baldrick.)

Percy: Oh! (he also looks at Baldrick, grinning)

Baldrick: Oh, no... No... NO!

Edmund: Yes! Yes! (stands) YES!

(later, outside the Infanta's bedroom; Edmund and Percy are dabbing perfume
 on Baldrick, who is in a nightshirt)

Baldrick: Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider.

Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it.

Baldrick: But I'll die in there.

Edmund: Don't worry -- we'll give you a hero's funeral; bury you at sea; say
        you died in combat with an enemy vessel.  That's it. There we are.
        Go on, in you go. (pats him on the head) Little boy with big job to
        do...  Come on, Percy, let's get the King.

        (Edmund leaves. Percy begins to but then turns to Baldrick. They
         shake hands then embrace for a while, Percy half crying, half
         laughing. Percy then leaves. Baldrick enters the bedroom. The
         room is completely dark -- nothing can be seen.)

Baldrick: Infanta... Infanta...

Infanta: Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio!

Don: Oh Edmund, my love!

Infanta: Ohh!!!

(in map room; Edmund and Percy enter)

Edmund: My Lord, Your Majesty...

King: What?

(in the bedroom)

        (moans from both Infanta and Baldrick)

(in map room)

Edmund: I bring the gravest of news.

King: What; have the armies of the Rhine been slaughtered to a man and their
      heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the
      traditional Swiss manner?

Edmund: No, My Lord.

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: No te de tengas, sen~or (sapiente?)!

        (Baldrick's noises are muffled)

Don: Don't hold back, please, my little one.

(in map room)

King: Do you bring me news of the Russian royal family mistaken for bison
      due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to
      pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits?

Edmund: No, My Lord.

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: (loudly) Ooohhhhh!!!!

Don: Securo!

(in map room)

King: Well, what then?

Edmund: My Lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin. (puts his fingers to
        his head, acting distraught)

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: Oooooaaahh...

(in map room)

King: Oh yes, I know that!

(in the bedroom)

Infanta: Mas...

(in map room)

King: Her uncle told me.

(in the bedroom)

Don: Again please!

(in map room)

King: We took five hundred off the dowry because of it.

Edmund: But I thought that--

King: Only one of you has to be a virgin!

        (Edmund is speechless. Percy looks confused.)

King: Anything else?

        (Edmund turns away. Percy starts to say, "But..." as though he
         thought -- or had been told (like early in this episode) -- that
         Edmund wasn't a virgin. Edmund shoos him outside, however, and
         follows Percy out.) [Brian Blessed (King) is heard to mutter about
         something being better -- perhaps referring to the take of that
         scene.]

(later, in the court; Edmund's marriage commences; King is in the back with
 a soldier, moving figures about on a small map)

Archbishop: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together, here in the sight of
            Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians.

        (Baldrick also is in attendance; his face is black and blue.)

Archbishop: Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh?

Edmund: Yes, I am...

Archbishop: And are you Maria Escalosa (fiena?) Infanta?

Infanta: Si', si', si'! (Dante?) prisa, estupido! (Deja? [that's French!])
         que mi (?????) muslos de abraze!

Don: Yes, you stupid person, hurry up -- I wish to entwine him again in my
     broad thighs.

Archbishop: Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. If any man
            here knows just cause why they may not be married...      \
                                                                       \
Edmund: (he looks up, and we hear his thoughts) Oh, dear Lord, please  /
        help me now!                                                  /

Archbishop: ...let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

Edmund: (looks up; thinks) Now's your chance!

Archbishop: So be it.

Edmund: (looks up; thinks) Oh, thanks a lot!

King: Come on, hurry up!

Archbishop: (faster) Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria Escalosa...  \
                                                                          >
Don: Usted, Edmundo Plantagenato--                                       /

Archbishop: Oh, do shut up!

Don: Silencio!

Archbishop: ...to be your lawful wedded wife; to have and to hold; to cherish
            and to delight; (he looks at Infanta and lets his words slip)
            to chastise and to beat until death? (comes to his senses)
            Er, until death do you part?

        (Edmund nods reluctantly)

King: Speak up -- can't hear a thing back here!

Edmund: (weakly) I do.

King: STILL CAN'T HEAR!!

Edmund: I do, I do, I do!!!

        (Infanta is delighted at his apparent excitement)

Archbishop: Do you, Maria Escalosa Infanta...

Infanta: Si'! Si'! Si'!

Archbishop: ...take Edmund Plantagenet to be your lawful wedded husband?

Don: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Edmund: Oh no!!!

Archbishop: I then pronounce you--

Messenger 3: (entering) Stop!

Archbishop: ...Christ!!!

Messenger 3: I bring absolutely unbelievable news that must halt the wedding!

        (Edmund really is excited now)

King: What; have the Swiss and French made sudden peace with each other
      at a mountain-pass rendez-vous, then forged a clandestine alliance
      with Spain, thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by
      chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary?

Messenger 3: (looks at his scroll, reads it through to himself) Yes.

King: As I thought! Are there any Hungarian princesses in the castle?

Harry: Oh, yes, Father, I think I've got one. (looks at his list) Erm, yes:
       Princess Leia of Hungary.

Edmund: What's she like?

Harry: (turns over slip of paper) Leia is, er, "young and beautiful, her eyes
       are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut."

Edmund: Oh, well! That sounds all right, doesn't it!

Infanta: (approaches King) Que pasa, King? Que pasa?

Don: Excuse me, what is happening, please?

King: Call her into the court! (turns to Infanta) And as for that great
      Spanish dumpling there...

        (Infanta, hearing the interpretation, slaps Don)

King: ...get her out of my sight at once, or I'll eat her! Yaaah!!!

Infanta: (approaches Edmund) Amor mio! Al lado de mi! Amor mio!

Don: My love! Beside me! Beside me!

Edmund: Sorry, what can I do -- politics!

        (Infanta and Don are taken away by a soldier)

King: Come on, come on, come on! Where is she? Where is she? Where is
      Princess Leia?

        (Edmund looks down the row of beautiful young princesses; they all act
         innocently seductive. Edmund looks pleased. From behind Countess
         Caroline, Leia comes out. She's a child about six years old, awaiting
         the arrival of new front teeth.)

King: Ah, good, good!

        (Edmund doubletakes)

King: Osmund, meet your new wife...

Leia: Hello, Edmund.

Edmund: Hello...

Leia: (bored) Are we getting married now?

Edmund: Yes, yes, I believe we are...

Leia: Come on, then.

        (Leia takes Edmund's hand and brings him to the altar. She skips
         as they make their way there.)

Archbishop: (shrugs at the absurdity, then bends to Leia's height and speaks
            slowly) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today--

        (Leia giggles)

(That evening, in Edmund and Leia's bedroom (separate beds); Edmund reads her
 a bedtime story)

Edmund: "...and so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his
        friends in (the forest?), and go to live in a land far away, where the
        elfs and the fairies would look after him until the day that he died."

Leia: (sighs) Oh, that was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. Isn't it time
      to put the light out?

Edmund: Yes, my dear, I think it is. It must be at least six o'clock...
        (blows out the candle)

(end theme)

Cast in Affable Order

Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh . . . . . . Rowan Atkinson
King Richard IV . . . . . . . . . . . Brian Blessed
The Queen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elspet Gray
Harry, Prince of Wales  . . . . . . . Robert East
Percy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tim McInnerny
Baldrick  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tony Robinson
Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain . . . Miriam Margolyes
Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter . . Jim Broadbent
Mrs. Applebottom  . . . . . . . . . . Jane Freeman
Rev. Lloyd  . . . . . . . . . . . . . John Rapley
Mr. Applebottom . . . . . . . . . . . Howard Lew Lewis
Lord Chiswick . . . . . . . . . . . . Stephen Tate
1st Messenger . . . . . . . . . . . . Kenn Wells
2nd Messenger . . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Mitchley
3rd & 4th Messengers  . . . . . . . . David Nunn
Archbishop  . . . . . . . . . . . . . Willoughby Goddard
Princess Leia of Hungary  . . . . . . Natasha King
Lady on Ramparts  . . . . . . . . . . Harriet Keevil

Written by Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson
With additional dialogue by William Shakespeare

A BBC TV production in association with The Seven Network, Australia

(etc.)

Leia: Can I have a drink of water, please?

Edmund: Yes, yes, yes, all right...

MADE IN GLORIOUS TELEVISION (C) BBC MCMLXXXIII