Thursday, 6 December 2012

Blackadder II, Episode 5 - Beer

Black Adder II, Episode 5



        [Edmund's house.  Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are
         eating breakfast.]

Percy:  I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your
        breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

Edmund:  Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and
         intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may
         rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy:  Yes, I've heard that.

Edmund:  Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead
         to remind me I'm best.

Percy:  Beshrew me, Edmund!  You're in good fooling this morning.

Edmund:  Don't say `beshrew me', Percy -- only stupid actors say `beshrew me'.

Percy:  Oh, how I would love to be an actor!  I had a great talent for it in
        my youth -- I was the man of a thousand faces.

Edmund:  How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
         [He begins reading a note.]

Percy:  Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.

Edmund:  ...and don't say `tush', either!  It's only a short step from `tush'
         to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'm afraid, I'll shall have to call
         the police.
         [Looks at the note once more.]
         Well!  God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy, Edmund!"

Percy:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical
         puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.

Percy:  But aren't they the most frightful bores?

Edmund:  Yep, but they have one great redeeming feature -- their wallets.
         More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult
         to get your hands least until now, for, tonight, they wish
         to discuss my inheritance.  [runs his fingers through his hair]

Percy:  [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  [calls] Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling
         a piece of cheese from the end of his nose.  Edmund begins to speak
         about something, then notices.]

Edmund:  [calmly]  Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end
         of your nose?

Baldrick:  To catch mice, My Lord.  I lie on the floor with my mouth open
           and hope they scurry in.

Edmund:  ...and do they?

Baldrick:  Not yet, My Lord.

Edmund:  Well, I'm not surprised -- your breath comes straight from Satan's
         bottom, Baldrick.  The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is
         one without a nose.

Baldrick:  That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

Edmund:  Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy
         and I must eat tonight.  We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk,
         Balders; and that means no meat.

Baldrick:  In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

Edmund:  and the surprise is...?

Baldrick:  ...there's nothing else in it except the turnip.

Edmund:  So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a turnip.

Baldrick:  [realisation]  Oh yeah...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Get the door, Baldrick, get the door...

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Percy:  Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations
        are in order...
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  Nice try, Percy, but forget it -- you're not getting a penny.
         [he goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room]

        [A tremendous noise of wood being bent and broken fills the room.
         Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]

Edmund:  [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]
         Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about
         to give phenomenally good.

Baldrick:  You said, "Get the door."

Edmund:  Not good enough.  You're fired.

Baldrick:  But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Edmund:  So has syphilis.  Now get out.

Baldrick:  [obscured by laughter], My Lord.  [starts to leave but returns]
           Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door.
           He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.

Edmund:  [stands up excited]  Really...!

Baldrick:  Yeah -- he's at Death's door.

Edmund:  Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and
         open it for him, then!

        [Scene changes to a large room.  Melchett is lying on a bed with
         a hand on his head.  Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her
         hand.  Nursie pushes on Melchett's stomach.  Edmund enters.]

Queen:  Edmund!  Quick! Quick!  Melchett's dying!  We must do something!

Edmund:  Well, yes, of course... er, some sort of celebration...
         But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it, shall we?

Queen:  Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working...

Nursie:  Come on, little tummy...

Queen:  [goes across the room, to speak privately with Edmund]
        It all started last night at about two o'clock.  I was tucked
        into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when
        I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.

Edmund:  [grins at the double entendre]  Well! I never knew he had it in him.

Queen:  It's true, I promise!  He was banging on the castle gate, falling
        over, and singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something
        called a...dicky-di-do?

Edmund:  Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hymn, isn't it...  [returns to the bed]
         Well, Ma'am, I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett,
         and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.

Queen:  Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man -- I'm fed up with him lying
        there moaning and groaning...

Nursie:  ...and letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs!
         One can can't believe one's tiny nosy!

Edmund:  The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.

Melchett:  [sitting up]  Madam, I protest!  I may be a little delicate this
           morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a

Edmund:  ...if it was allergic to lemonade...

Melchett:  It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale -- he's famous for it!

Edmund:  Oh yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Edmund:  Yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Queen:  Oh, [???] this is so exciting -- the boys are getting tough!

Melchett:  Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the
           visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering
           naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin,
           The Happy Pig!"

Edmund:  So, what did you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of
         potato juice?

Melchett:  On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping
           of curried turtle!  I can assure you: it's no holds barred with
           us at the annual communion-wine tasting.

Edmund:  Annual! Hah!  For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking

Melchett:  Says who?

Edmund:  Says me!

Melchett:  Says you?

Edmund:  Yeah!

Melchett:  [expecting that Edmund is bragging]  eeaaaahh...

Edmund:  You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the
         underside of >my< table!

Melchett:  Bah...

Queen:  ...tonight!!!

Melchett:  [suddenly in his senses, speaks feebly]  Er, tonight?

Edmund:  [not in his senses]  Yeah! Come on, Melchy -- what are you
         scared of?

Queen:  Perhaps you're right.  [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????].

Melchett:  Oh, all right then -- tonight.  I'll be there.

Queen:  Hurray.  and last one under the table gets...ten thousand florins
        from the loser.

Edmund:  [shocked]  Ma'am...?  Er... right...  Well, I'll get the beer in,
         then.  [bows, puts a thumb to his nose and wiggles his fingers at
         Melchett.  Leaves]

Queen:  [Stands at the door]  Nursie...

Nursie:  Hmm?  [goes to speak privately with Queen]

Queen:  [whispering]  Do you know what I'm going to do?

Nursie:  What?

Queen:  I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these
        boys' nights.

Nursie:  Good idea, poppet.

Queen:  ...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me.

Nursie:  Oh, that's another good idea.  You're so clever today, you better
         be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

Queen:  Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
        Your foot falls off?

Nursie:  It certainly does.  My brother, he had this brilliant idea of
         cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off...

        [Scene changes to Edmund's house.  Percy has quill in hand, taking
         notes for Edmund, who paces the room.]

Edmund:  Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive
         drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the
         sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Percy:  [thinks]  Cardinal Woolsey...  [writes]

Edmund:  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, but his apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Why?

Baldrick:  I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord.  I thought I'd try
           cat for variety.

Edmund:  Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Do you have
         a knife?

Baldrick:  Yeah.

Edmund:  Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations,
         and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them
         in blood -- your blood, to be precise.

Baldrick:  So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My Lord?

Edmund:  Oh, nothing much -- just a small puddle.

Baldrick:  Will you want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for

Edmund:  Oh, good lord, no -- a little prick should do.

Baldrick:  Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his
           knife down his trousers and begins sawing]

Edmund:  For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!

Baldrick:  [nearly crying]  I haven't got one there!

Edmund:  Forget it, forget it...  [motions for Baldrick to leave]

Baldrick:  Thank you, My Lord.  [leaves]

Edmund:  Right, now; Perce... How's this list going?

Percy:  Oh, very well indeed.  I thought we could invite my girlfriend,

Edmund:  Sorry -- no chicks.  Who else?

Percy:  Well, that's about as far as I'd got, actually.

Edmund:  Right.  I'll dictate.  First: Simon Partridge.

Percy:  Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich...!

Edmund:  Even he...

Percy:  But he's a fearful oik!

Edmund:  Takes one to know one, Perce.  Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.

Percy:  Here's-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?

Edmund:  The very same...  and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent
         Hermit of Lindisfarne.

Percy:  [holds his nose]  Oh, paugh paugh!

Edmund:  Right. That should do the trick.

Percy:  Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who'll be coming

Edmund:  Oh y--  ...oh, no...

        [Scene changes to the throne room.  Queen is on the throne, Nursie
         is in her normal chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund
         is kneeled on one knee before Queen.]

Queen:  I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get
        out of it.

Edmund:  [frantic]  Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am.  I just want to
         make it another night, that's all.

Nursie:  Certainly not!

Queen:  I beg your pardon...?

Nursie:  Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?  Next thing,
         he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

        [Edmund is quite confused.]

Queen:  He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie:  Well, he should be!  How else is he going to keep clean?
         Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed!

Queen:  Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie:  Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath!

Queen:  [tired of the interruptions]  Oh, shut up, Nursie.
        [to Edmund]  I know why you want to get out of it, because I
        remember the last time you had a party -- I found you face-down
        in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

Edmund:  [stands]  Yes, all right! All right!  Tonight it is.

Queen:  [smiles, a bit turned on]  Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get
        cross.  Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the
        expression on your face.

        [Edmund grins uneasily.]

        [Scene changes to the room in Edmund's house to the right after
         entering through the main door.  Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.
         Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.]

Edmund:  Right, now; let's make sure you've got this.  We are having two
         parties here tonight...

Baldrick:  Right.

Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  ...and they must be kept completely separate.

Baldrick & Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture
         and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick:  Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!  [Percy pats him on the shoulder
           in congratulations]

        [Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous
         house scenes have taken place).]

Edmund:  Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating.
         Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

        [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

Baldrick:  Yes, it is, My Lord.

Edmund:  Then what is so funny?

Percy:  Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip
        Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was
        exactly the same a thingy!

        [Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

Edmund:  [not amused]  ...a thingy...

Baldrick:  ...a great big thingy!  It was terrific.

Edmund:  Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.  Most horses are very
         well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive
         lovers.  I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

Baldrick:  Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

Edmund:  Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance
         than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy:  Absolutely, Edmund.  ...but it was jolly funny!  [laughs more]

Edmund:  Yes, yes, yes...

Baldrick:  I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got
           a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund:  Yes, all right...

Baldrick:  I'm quite [?] at parties...

Edmund:  [not interested]  are you...

Baldrick:  Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

Edmund:  What fun...  Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having
         a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten
         thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick:  Oh dear...

Edmund:  What do you mean?

Baldrick:  Well, firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins; and,
           thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face
           and start singing that song about the goblin.

Edmund:  That's nonsense.  ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

Baldrick:  [to Percy]  It is true -- I saw it!

Edmund:  Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true...
         So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale,
         you must pass me water in an ale bottle.  Have you got that?

Baldrick:  Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water.

Edmund:  Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy:  [tries to act suave]  Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to
        handle a woman.

Edmund:  Oh god...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Right, here goes...

        [Edmund goes to the front door.  Baldrick brushes Edmund's clothing
         for a moment.]

Edmund:  [motioning for Baldrick to stop]  It's all right...

        [Baldrick opens the closet door and tosses the brush in.
         Edmund opens the front door.  Aunt and Uncle's clothing is
         all white, with a large cross around the neck, a cross sticking
         out of each shoulder, and a white helmet with a cross sticking
         out the top.]

Edmund:  Uncle! Aunt!  Greetings!  How nice it is to see you.
         [He leans over and kisses Aunt on each cheek.]

Aunt:  [slaps Edmund twice]  Wicked child!!!  Don't lie!  Everyone hates us,
       and you know it!

Edmund:  Oh yes.  Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy...?

Percy:  [suave]  Well well well, Eddy!  You didn't tell me you had
        such a good-looking aunt!

        [Edmund waves at him to shut up.  Aunt is shocked.]

Percy:  Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!  I know what I like,
        and I like what I see!

Aunt:  [slaps Percy]  Be gone, Satan!  [heads to the main room]

Edmund:  Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
         Did I say `inheritance'?  I meant `journey'.
         [motions around the table]  If you'd just like to help yourself
         to a legacy -- er, a chair...

Aunt:  `Chair'?  You have chairs in your house?

Edmund:  Oh, yes.

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Chairs are an invention of Satan!
       In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

Edmund:  ...and yourself...?

Aunt:  I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.

Edmund:  Well, quite.

Aunt:  I will suffer comfort this once -- we shall just have to stick
       forks in our legs between courses.  [sits]  I trust you remember
       we eat no meat...?  [Uncle, off-camera, has sat too.]

Edmund:  Heaven forbid, no!  [Goes to sit at the end of the table;
         Percy sits at the other end]  Here, we feast only on God's
         lovely turnip -- mashed.

Aunt:  [stands suddenly]  Mashed?!

Edmund:  Yes...

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Mashing is also the work of
       Beelzebub -- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it
       and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

Edmund:  Ah.

Aunt:  I shall have my turnip as God intended.  [sits]

Edmund:  Fine.  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?

Baldrick:  Well, we've only got the one that--

Edmund:  [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant
         to Aunt and Uncle]  Just do it, thank you.

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as
         God intended?

Aunt:  He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence.
       [Uncle looks quite unhappy]  I believe that silence is golden.

        [Edmund begins to say something like "Oh, I see" but decides it's
         better to be golden.  Aunt gives him an approving look.]


        [Edmund, still not wanting to speak, but also wanting to get to the
         topic he wants to talk about, clears his thoat, making the word
         `inheritance' as he does so.]

        [There is a noisy knock on the front door.]

Aunt:  Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests...?

Edmund:  Oh, certainly not!

Aunt:  Good -- for where there are other guests there are people to
       fornicate with!

Edmund:  Well, quite.

        [More knocking on the front door.]

Edmund:  I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.  [motions over to
         Percy]  Lord Percy...  [leaves]

Percy:  Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence...
        Now, that's quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it.

        [In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false
         breasts over his clothing, then goes to the front door and opens
         it.  Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,
         also wearing false breasts over their clothing.  Monk wears a hat
         with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship
         on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't
         describe -- like a May pole.  They sing.]

        "Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby!
         Happy Birthday to you!"

        [In the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to make of it;
         Percy is unable to think of an explanation.]

Edmund:  [loudly so Aunt can hear]  But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon!

        [In the main room, Aunt nods and smiles.  Percy is relieved.]

        [Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.]

Edmund:  Well, well, get stuck in, boys.

Partridge:  `Stuck in'! Way-hey! Get it?

Monk:  No...  [Piddle doesn't, either]

Partridge:  Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it!  `Stuck >in<'!

        [The boozers laugh, as there's a knock at the front door.]

Edmund:  Er, sorry -- back in a tick.  [leaves]

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads?  Now; that sounds a bit rude,
            doesn't it...  That sounds a bit like `bum'.

        [They laugh.]

        [Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door.  Melchett enters.]

Edmund:  Ah, Melchett -- late, I see, to avoid the early drinking.
         Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner -- you're not even
         wearing a pair of comedy breasts!

Melchett:  [opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts]
           Au contraire, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious
         drinking, shall we?

Melchett:  [has moved to the door of the main room]  In here?

Edmund:  Er, no, no, it's this way.  [shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom]
         Here we are.

        [As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
         backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.]

Melchett:  Good evening, er...

Edmund:  Lads, this is Lord Melchett.

        [They cheer.]

Edmund:  Er, give him a large one, will you?

Partridge:  `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it?

Piddle:  No...

Partridge:  Yes you do!  `Large one'!  Sounds a bit rude!

Piddle:  Oh yes!  `Large one'!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first,
         Melchy, but you'll soon get used to it.  Well, er, [taking a mug
         and raising it] down the hatch!

        [The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the
         closet.  He goes to the door of the main room, about to remove
         the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door.  In the
         main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the table.  Edmund
         opens the front door.  Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak, and
         tries to disguise her voice.]

Queen:  I heard there was a party on.

Edmund:  [not knowing who it is]  No. Yes, there are two, and you are
         invited to neither.  [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks]

Queen:  I'm a friend of Lord Percy.

Edmund:  Oh, you must be Gwendoline!  You were invited anyway.  Come in, do.

Queen:  Thank you very much.  [enters]

Edmund:  It's in here...  [opens the closet door, pushes Queen in, closes the
         closet door and locks it]

        [Edmund enters the main room again at last, but has forgotten about
         his false breasts.]

Edmund:  I'm sorry about that.  [obscured by laughter]  [sits]

Percy:  [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund]
        agh... agh...aaagh!

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  Sorry, he's sick -- leprosy...of the brain.

Aunt:  That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be
       wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!

Edmund:  [looks down at the breasts, double-takes]  Oh my god -- my earmuffs
         have fallen down!  [puts the breasts over his head so they cover
         his ears]  It's getting, er, would you like a pair?  It is getting
         rather cold... [??]

Aunt:  No thank you!  Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!

Edmund:  Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

Aunt:  [stands up]  Don't call me `Aunty'!!!  [slaps him twice]
       `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex,
       and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.  [sits]

Edmund:  ...or, indeed, any table.

Percy:  ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have
         fallen off your chair.

        [Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped

Edmund:  Now then, what was I saying?  [sees the turnip and speaks without
         a pause]  Oh my god...

Baldrick:  [to Aunt]  Your turnip, My Lady...

Aunt:  [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide]
       Very good! Very good!  [bites into it, then points it at Uncle,
       and speaks to him]  You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back
       to our wedding night.

        [Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.  Baldrick has left.]

Aunt:  [to Edmund]  We had raw turnips that night.

        [Drunken cheering is heard.]

Aunt:  What was that?

Edmund:  What was what?

Aunt:  That noise.

Edmund:  Noise?  [turns his head and lifts a breast off an ear]
         Did you hear a noise, Percy?

Percy:  No...

Edmund:  Good.

Percy:  ...apart from that colossal drunken roar.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh, >that< noise -- it's the
         catholics next door, I'm afraid.

Aunt:  [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise]

Edmund:  Er, but, I'll, I'll just go and burn them.  Back in a minute.
         [stands]  Percy...  [leaves]

        [In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's false breasts, and fits a
         false nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit.  As
         Edmund goes down the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet.
         He opens the closet door.]

Edmund:  Yes?

Queen:  I'm suffocating!

Edmund:  [still not knowing who it is]  Well, thank God you knocked.  [takes
         her out of the closet]  Come on, now, now, take a deep breath.
         [she does]  ...and another...  [she does]  Better?

Queen:  Yes.

Edmund:  Good.  [pushes her back into the closet, and closes the door again]

        [Back in the main room, Percy still tries to be good company.]

Percy:  Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics: they do have
        natural rhythm!  [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]

        [In Baldrick's bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing
         false noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge's is coming
         out the side of his head.]

Melchett:  I notice you're not drinking, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers -- I'm holding my own here.

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Holding my own'!  Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.

Melchett:  [standing]  Er, Blackadder, it doesn't explain why you're not
           drinking with us.

Edmund:  Ah yes, no, that's what I actually came to talk to you about,
         you see.  What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute
         silence to get some really serious drinking in?

        [The boozers cheer, then realise that that's noisy, so they all go
         `shh!' rather messily.]

Edmund:  Yes... I said, "Please give me silence" -- not "drench me with

Melchett:  [hands Edmund a silver goblet]  Well, now, here's a nice glass
           of cider.

Edmund:  Oh, only cider?  I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!

        [The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.]

        [Edmund enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses
         the cider in.  Queen shrieks upon getting wet.  Edmund removes his
         false nose and breasts, heading for the main room.  In Baldrick's
         bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers and Melchett are sitting down
         like in a rowboat.  A barrel of something bursts open.  Edmund
         enters the main room once again.]

Edmund:  So, how are we all going, then?

Aunt:  Not well.  Let us discuss your inheritance.

Edmund:  [has sat]  Ah, yes, good.  Erm, a little drink, first?

Aunt:  [stands]  Drink?!  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Drink is
       urine for the last leper in Hell!

Edmund:  Oh, no, no -- this is only water.  This is a house of simple purity.

        [Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions.  He rushes to the
         fireplace and vomits, then turns and begins to leave.]

Monk:  Great booze-up, Edmund!  [farts, leaves]


Aunt:  Do you know that man?

Edmund:  [looks behind himself as though he didn't really see]  No...

Aunt:  He called you `Edmund'...

Edmund:  Oh, >know< >him<...oh, yes, I do.

Aunt:  Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'?

Edmund:  [thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks
          ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ...
           ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks]

         Yes, I can...  My missionary...and...on his last
         visit abroad...brought back with him...the chief of a famous
         tribe...  >His< name is Great Bu...  He's been suffering from
         sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as
         you heard, "Great Bu's up"...

Percy:  [almost passing out from holding his breath]  Well done, Edmund...

Edmund:  ...and I think I'd better just go and visit him...  [stands]
         Perce, over to you...  [leaves]

Percy:  Yes...  How about some sort of game?  Er, how about a couple of
        frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?  [he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction,
        which is not seen on camera]

        [Edmund re-enters Baldrick's bedroom.  Piddle has a cardinal's
         hat in his hand (for the aformentioned Cardinal Chunder routine).]

Melchett:  [climbing off the floor]  Blackadder! You challenged me to a
           drinking competition earlier today, and I haven't seen you touch
           a drop!

Edmund:  Nonsense!

Melchett:  It's true!  You, you twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing.
           I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan' if it
           isn't so.

Edmund:  Fine, all right.  [opens the door, calls out]  Baldrick, fetch my
         Incredibly Strong Ale...!

Monk:  Good god!  Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema...?

Edmund:  Pah! -- a drink for schoolgirls...

Partridge:  Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy...?

Edmund:  No -- it is Blackadder's Bowel Basher!

        [Baldrick enters with a pitcher and glass.]

Edmund:  ...a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant! it not, Baldrick?

Baldrick:  Nah, it's water.

Melchett:  WHAT?

        [Partridge growls]

Edmund:  Eh, heh heh... No, but seriously, Baldrick -- and presuming you wish
         to see another dawn...

Baldrick:  You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord...?

Edmund:  [trying to show off]  Yes, that's right.

Baldrick:  Oh, that's a relief; I thought I'd made a mistake.

Edmund:  Ah.

        [Baldrick begins to pour the water in the glass.  Being a glass and
         not a metal mug like all the others have, everyone can see that the
         liquid is water -- particularly when Baldrick spills some.]

Piddle:  [standing, shouts]  My god! He's right!  It >is< water!

        [Edmund kicks Baldrick in the shin.]

Monk:  Come on, lads -- let's give him a >real< drink!  [he gives a pitcher
       to Edmund]

Edmund:  Well, fine...

Monk:  Bums up!

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Bums'!  Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it?

Melchett:  Drink, Blackadder!  Drink!

        [Edmund begins to drink...]

        [42 Seconds Later]

        [In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt.  Edmund enters, with the
         cardinal hat on his head and the ostrich feather sticking out of
         the back of his tights.  His speech is slurred.]

Edmund:  Percy, I've lost the bet.

Aunt:  Edmund! Explain yourself!

Edmund:  I can't -- not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,
         Aunty...  Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!
         ...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like:
         "See the little goblin, see his little--

Aunt:  I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are
       grinning inanely, and [sees the feather as Edmund turns around and
       falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the
       door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your

Edmund:  I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder;
         I have an ostrich feather up my bottom [Percy nods and mouths
         Edmund's words, having heard this before] because Mr Ostrich put it
         there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning
         inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you
         and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee
         hee hee hee!

Aunt:  [shouting]  Is that right?  May I remind you, cursed creature [raises
       her hand to slap him, but he's too far away, so slaps Percy instead],
       that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.

Edmund:  Oh, yes -- damn.  Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Aunt:  Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Edmund:  Shove off, you old trout!

Aunt:  How dare you speak to my husband like that!  [Uncle is surprised at
       this remark]  Nathaniel, we're leaving!

        [Uncle stands and walks out.]

Aunt:  [turns to Percy]  and you...

Percy:  [frightened]  Yes?

Aunt:  Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy:  [as though it goes without saying]  Oh, yes...

Aunt:  Good.  [stands, leaves, slamming the door]

Edmund:  Good riddance, you old witch!

        [There's a knock on the room door.]

Edmund:  Whoops -- she's forgotten her broomstick.

        [The door opens, and Uncle leans in.]

Uncle:  Look, er... [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him]
        I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.  Yes, first rate,
        all round... [looks toward Percy] ...particularly your jester.

        [Percy looks behind himself, confused, trying to find this jester.]

Uncle:  Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip -- very funny!
        >Exactly< the same a thingy!  [leaves]

        [Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.]

Aunt:  Good god!!!  [raises the large cross that she wears around her neck]

Partridge:  Well, look who it is!!!

Piddle:  Who is it?

Partridge:  Well, it's a boys' party; she's a girl, so she must be
            the stripper!

        [The boozers and Melchett cheer.  Aunt raises the cross even higher.]

        [Meanwhile, back in the main room...]

Percy:  Oh, no... Don't get too depressed, Edmund...  I mean, money
        isn't everything...  Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely
        smiles on little babies' faces... [he tries to make such a smile]

Edmund:  Be quiet, Percy...

        [In the hallway, Uncle opens the closet door, and motions to Aunt.]

Uncle:  This way!

        [Aunt and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out.  The boozers
         enter the hallway from Baldrick's bedroom.]

Partridge:  Whoa!  Another stripper!

        [Uncle comes out.]

Piddle:  ...and a male stripper!

        [The boozers cheer.  Uncle goes back into the closet.]

Monk:  [removing Queen's cloak]  Oh, yes, this is much more like it!

        [There's a pause while they see Queen in her royal dress]

Partridge:  ...and she's come dressed as the Queen!

Piddle:  Oh!! Sex-y!!! [does a little pelvic dance in front on Queen]

Queen:  Do you know who I am!

        [Edmund comes out from the main room.  Percy is behind him.]

Edmund:  Yes! >I< know who you are!

[Piddle?]:  Who?

Edmund:  You're Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!

        [The boozers cheer.]

Queen:  Wrong, I'm afraid.  I >am< the Queen of England.

        [Everyone slowly and clumsily (save Percy) falls to their knees.]

Queen:  I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the
        heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!

Partridge:  Prove it!

Queen:  I certainly will...!  [she grabs a mug]  First I'm going to have
        a little drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally
        lot of you.  [drinks]

        [Dawn The Next Day]

Edmund:  [singing]  "See the little goblin, see his little feet /
                     And his little nosy-wose -- isn't the goblin sweet?"

        [Everyone -- even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here -- shouts "Yes!"
         Some of them aren't wearing their own hats any more.  Percy has
         Uncle's helmet on, for instance.  Others have hats previously

Edmund:  "See the little goblin--

Queen:  Er, wait a minute...  I'm sure there was something very important
        I had to do to all of you this morning.

        [Everyone -- including Queen -- giggles at the possibilities.]

Melchett:  I remember something about ten thousand florins...? was it...?

Uncle:  I think it was something about an inheritance.

Edmund:  Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?

        [Everyone cheers "Yes!"]

Edmund:  Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue,
         and perhaps finish, with any luck...

        [Suddenly, from under Queen's dress, Aunt emerges.]

Aunt:  `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Way-hey! Get it?

        [Everyone says, "No..."]

Aunt:  Oh, come on!  `Luck'!  Sounds almost exactly like `f--

        [Ending music and credits.  Edmund comes into view with a stick.
         He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,
         hoping to hit the balladeer.  He goes far beyond the fountain.
         On the last line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close
         to the camera view, then goes off-shot again.  Edmund sees him,
         and runs down the lane as fast as he can, stick raised in the air...]

        ` ` B l a c k  -
             a d d e r  I I ' '

        Edmund Blackadder               Blackadder couldn't hold his beer
         ROWAN ATKINSON                 The art of boozing he'd not mastered
                                        And I, your merry balladeer
        Lord Percy                      Am also well and truly plastered
         TIM McINNERNY
                                        Blackadder! Blackadder!
        Baldrick                        A bit like Robin Hood
         TONY ROBINSON                  Blackadder! Blackadder!
                                        But nothing like as good
        Queen Elizabeth I
         MIRANDA RICHARDSON             Blackadd*hic*! Blackadd*hic*!
                                        I thought that he had died
        Lord Melchett                   Blackadder! Blackadder!
         STEPHEN FRY                    Our writers must have lied

         PATSY BYRNE

        Lady Whiteadder

        Simon Partridge
         HUGH LAURIE

        Geoffrey Piddle
         ROGER BLAKE


        Lord Whiteadder

        Music by

        Graphic Designer
         GRAHAM KERN

        Properties Buyer

        Costume Designer

        Make-up Designer

        Production Assistant

        Assistant Floor Manager

        Vision Mixer

        Senior Camerman
         RON GREEN

        Videotape Editor

        Studio Lighting
         DON BABBAGE

        Studio Sound

        Technical Co-Ordinator
         RAY HIDER

        Production Manager



         JOHN LLOYD

        (C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.

        T h e   E n d


  1. Queenie's playground taunt about Melchett is "P'raps he's a wet and a wee-eed"

  2. "Well, he should be! How else is he going to keep clean?"