Blackadder II, Episode 6, Chains

Black Adder II, Episode 6

Chains

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E: Edmund Blackadder
M: Lord Melchett
Q: Queen Elizabeth I
N: Nursie
B: Baldrick
P: Lord Percy
G(2): German guard(s)
T: Spanish Torturer
L: Prince Ludwig the Indestructible


The Queen's Chamber

E: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted
   strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own
   fornication!

Q: ...and what did you say to *him*?

E: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the
   privy window.

Q: Oh, Edmund! You're so naughty!

E: Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back,
   I try again...  (sticks his tongue out of his grinning mouth)

M: Perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.

Q: Oh, must we?

M: I fear so, Ma'am. It's a tragic case -- my old tutor, Lord Forest. His son
   has been kidnapped, and he begs you to help pay the ransom.

Q: Edmund, what would you say?

E: Well, as you know, Madam, I've had experince of this dreadful situation.
   Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my
   Uncle Ozrick.

M: Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

E: Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to
   her.

Q: Which was?

E: `Get stuffed.'

M: Blackadder, you would jest over a young man's life?

E: For `young man' read `young idiot'. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some
   mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say, `Excuse me Meester,'
   and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.
   (leaves)

In the Corridor

B: Oh, hallo, you're in good fooling this morning.

E: Thank you, Baldrick.

B: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...

E: Oh, good. (leaves)

(Edmund comes out of the next set of doors and meets a pair of German guards)

G: Excuse me, Meister...

E: Yes, what is it?

(G motions Edmund to G2. Edmund leans over to hear what G2 has to say.
 G2 points to the back of Edmund's head, where G hits Edmund over the
 head with a big stick)

E: I said `What is it?' -- not `Hit me hard on the head wi--' (collapses)


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: You know, Melchy, I've completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
   I mean, he's obviously very stupid, but we can't go around punishing
   people for that, can we?

M: Certainly not, Ma'am.

Q: No -- if we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would
   have been in prison all her life.

M: A very piquant observation, Majesty.

Q: So I *will* sign this ransom, but it must be the last. (as she writes the
   order) Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart
   and hope to die.

M: Surely not `hope to die', Majesty.

Q: Er, oh, alright, I'll cross that out... Er, here you are. Sorry about the
   smudge.

M: Thank you, Ma'am. (leaves)

In the Corridor

G: Excuse me, Meister...

M: Yes?

(G motions Melchett to G2. Melchett leans to G2. G2 points. G hits.)


In a Prison

(Edmund wakes up; Melchett is with him. They are tied back-to-back.)

E: Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels
   like there's a Frenchman living in it. (looks around) Where am I?

M: (groans) Ooohhhh...

E: Who's there?

M: It is I: Melchett.

E: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know.
   It's a real mess!

M: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!

E: Oh, God... How incredibly embarrassing!

M: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

(insane laughter of Spanish Torturer)

E: (as though he's about to meet someone stupid) Oh, God, who's that?

T: (leans to Melchett, says something in Spanish)

E: Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it's
   going to be me, alright? Tell him, Melchy.

M: Certainly.  (points behind him, to Edmund, as he and Edmund wiggle around
   so Edmund faces T)  Parlo con lui -- no mio (something) -- parlo con lui.

T: Ah, bueno. (looks at Edmund) El Je'fe! (Says same thing he said to
    Melchett)

E: Ah, that's better. (pause) Now, what's he saying?

M: He says he would like a word with you.

E: Uh huh. Anything else?

M: Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.


Later.  Edmund, in a small box with his head, arms and legs sticking out
(legs shackeled as well), is alone in the prison with T.  T is turning
a key in the box presumably to move spikes into Edmund's body.

E: Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the
   Spanish Inquisition?

T: Te gusta, la (??) de la Inquisicion!

E: (not understanding a word)  Good... Because, if I am, I wish to make it
   quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely *anything*.

T: Habla puer(??)

E: No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador, *understand*?

T: (winding some more) Necesito silencio para comesa.

E: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?

T: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!

E: Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected
   Indo-European language derived from dialects of....


In the corridor outside Queen's Chamber

(Queenie and Percy are playing frisbee)

P: (catches, holds the disc up triumphantly) How's that!

Q: Percy, who's Queen?

P: (drops disc) Whoops! Butterfingers!

Q: Ah, so I win again.

P: Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!

(They enter the throne room. Nursie is feeding Baldrick by hand.)

Q: There's definitely been no sign of Edmund.

P: I fear not, Ma'am.

Q: Why (??) he vanished? Simply vanished...

P: Like an old oak table...

Q: *Vanished*, Lord Percy -- not *varnished*.

P: Forgive me, My Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely
   vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that
   same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely
   vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.

Q: Lord Percy?

P: Yes?

Q: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

P: (squints, thinks very long and hard about it) I'll shut up.


In the Prison

(Edmund and Torturer play charades in an attempt to communicate)

T: Bastardo!

E: Baa-taar-do...  Barrister.

T: Bastardo!

E: Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. *I'm* embarrassing.

(T clenches his fist, and curls his left arm underneath his right, and
 points it straight up in a familiar gesture.)

E: Er, er, rogering!

(T makes a very-fat gesture over his abomen.)

E: Er, pregnant!

(T acts like he's cradling a baby, and makes little baby noises.)

E: Baby! Baby!

(T acts like he has tossed the baby.)

E: Bathwater!

(T shakes his head, then holds his ear.)

E: Sounds like... oh! `Bastard'!

T: (excited at Edmund's correct guess) Si'! Si'!! No este terminado. Hijo.
    Hijo!

E: (not knowing that `hijo' is a word, guesses by the sound of it) Donkey.

(T shakes his head, puts his head in his hand.)

T: (holds his hand horzontally above his head) Padre.

E: Big bastard...

T: (lowers the hand to a very short height) Hijo.

E: Little bastard.

T: (walking masculinely, speaks deeply) Padre...

E: Man...

T: (bends his knees as he walks and makes baby-like noises again) Hijo.

E: Boy.  Man, father... Oh! `Son'! I'm a bastard's son.

T: (gets on his hands and knees) Perra! (pants)

E: Thirsty... Thirsty bastard.

(T barks)

E: Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, `dog'! Dog. Right, dog.

(T, on his knees, moves his hands to indicate breasts.)

E: Woman.

(T goes back on his hands and knees.)

E: Dog.

(T does the breast gesture again.)

E: Woman, dog...*bitch*! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!

T: Si'!!! Si'!!! (shakes Edmund's hand)

E: In that case, you are a fornicating babboon.

T: Que?

E: Oh dear. Er, *you*...

T: (points to Edmund) Tu? (sees Edmund is pointing at him, so he points
    at himself) Yo...

E: You, er, fornicating... Yes... I can't really do it in this box...


Later...

T: ...tus testiculos.

E: My, um, ah yes, those, yes...

T: ...sobre un fuego grande.

E: ...over a large...

T: Fuego, fuego. (makes fire motion with his hands, then blows on the tips
    of his fingers)

E: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um...if I admit that I'm in love--

T: (interjects) No! No! (rolls onto his back)

E: Sorry -- head-over-heels in love -- (T makes various motions to indicate
   each thing) with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my
   testicles with a blunt instrument--

T: Una (polan~a?), una polan~a.

E: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite (obscured by
   laughter). Um, and roast them over a large fire.

T: Si', si'.

E: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and...and...all his...
   his little wizards, (T again is making appropriate gestures for each item)
   you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.

T: (holds his hands out, expecting more) ...*y*...

E: *And* remove my testicles with a blunt...oh I see. Well, well, in that case,
   I love Satan.

T: (excited) Ohh ho ho! (produces instrument)

E: Oh, it's a *scythe*...


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: Oh, I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

P: (with a finger to his temple as though he's being psychic)
   Perhaps...they're not...hiding...at all! Perhaps...they've been...
   kidnapped!

Q: Nonsense! ...what Edmund said: `Only real idiots get kidnapped'.

P: (frightened) Do they?! (looks around nervously for kidnappers)


In the Prison

(T is holding his scythe, ready to have a go at Edmund. Prince Ludwig
 enters, shouts `Stop!' and whips T down, who screams a bit and remains
 cowering.)

L: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
   Please accept my appoloaggies.

E: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

L: I hope this scum (T burbles a bit) has not inconweenienced you.

E: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience
   *me*.

L: Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

E: Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue
   with which to make such an offer.

L: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which
   to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell
   me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with
   which to offer you his tongue.

E: Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

L: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

E: I don't believe I had the pleasure.

L: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by
   another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler
   called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game
   at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

E: My God!

L: Yes! I was the waitress.

E: (shocked) I don't believe it! *You*? Big Sally?

L: (falsetto) `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

E: ...but I went to bed with you, didn't I?

L: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

E: Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

L: Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy...

E: Yes, alright, alright (obscured by laughter). Now, would you mind--

L: (again falsetto) `Such a disappointment for a girl...'

E: Yes, alright, you've had your little joke.

L: `It really doesn't matter -- we'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look
   through these naughty parchments.'

E: Oh, yes, we *are* proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just
   because we can say `Zur' instead of `Sir', (??) sense at all social
   gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

L: (angered, shouts) Be quiet!

E: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I
   wonder...  Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.  An hilarious
   black man: `See you, Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon'. (obscured by
   laughter) I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little
   croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but he's such a scream. And
   most of all, I like the one you do all the time, that fatheaded German
   chamberpot standing in front of me.

L: You know, you talk too much, Blackadder. I think it's a case of werbal
   diarrhoea that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you that I have
   given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she
   pays up, you die. Howwibly.

E: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

L: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

E: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

L: You know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the
   mood for being amusing.

E: At least when I *am* in the mood, I *can* be amusing.

L: Then choose your next witticism carefully, Herr Blackadder; it may be
   your last.  Guards, fetch his friend.

Gs: (enter with Melchett) Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

M: (crying, expecting to be thrown into a very deep pit)
   Oh no, please! (they throw him down) oooohhh! (he lands on the lower
   level, about three feet below, and looks rather surprised)

L: Lord Melchett, we meet again.

M: No, I don't think we've had the pleasure...

L: You do not recognise me, then?

M: No...

L: Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall; at the
   monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.

M: Good Lord! Dimkins?

L: Yes! I was one of his sheep.

M: One of his sheep?  Not...?

L: Yes!

M: Flossy?

L: Yes!

M: But didn't we...?  (waves his hands in an exchanging fashion)

L: Yes, Lord Melchett! BBBAAAAA!

M: Oh my God!

L: But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an
   interesting document in your clothing.

M: Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.

L: The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom, `But it must be the
   last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my
   heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.' She has a
   difficult choice in front of her, has she not?

E: Not really. Bad luck, Melchers. Still... Life -- huh! -- overrated,
   I reckon.

L: Yes, gentlemen. Well, if you excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots
   don't just make themselves you know. (exits laughing, the guards join
   in)


In the Queen's Chamber

P: (reading a note from Ludwig; oddly, as he reads it, he has an accent like
    Ludwig's)
      Dear Qveen,
      I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you
      must shoose between zem. The ransom is one million crona. Many many
      appoloaggies for the inconweenience.

Q: Oh, my goodness! What a difficult choice!

N: But it isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make, my little
   tadpole.

Q: No, that's true.

N: In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have Nursie
   Milk or Moo Cow Milk? Of course, it was always Nursie milk, ha-ha.
   But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it
   was always both breasty-dumplings, ha-ha. Aah, but then which one first?

Q: Shut up, Nursie! Ahh, this is very confusing. Lord Percy, play a while
   to calm my spirits.

P: (holding a lute) Certainly, Ma'am.  (gives the lute to Baldrick)
   Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. Ah-ha, you're it! Ring-a-ring o'
   rosey, all fall down.  (appropriate movements accompany all those)

(Queen is speechless; shakes her head.)


In the Prison

M: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

E: That all depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.

M: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

E: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding,
   your, shut.

M: For God's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the
   terrible fate that awaits us!!

E: Awaits you, Melchy -- not me. How's my beard looking?

M: Alas! Shall I ever see England more? Her rolling fields, Her swooping
   swallows...

E: ...and Her playful sheep.

(enter Ludwig)

E: Ah, about time, too!

L: Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

E: Well, thank God; I'm sick of this place. The conditions are just
   disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison in here!

L: I shall read it to you.

E: Ah, typical master criminal -- loves the sound of his own voice...

L: After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to extend
   the ransom money on....

(cut to Queen writing this very letter)

Q: ...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've
   decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both
   of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!

(cut to prison)

E: WHAT?!

L: `Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!' Well, as you can imagine, my
   friends, this makes me very unhappy.

E: (sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry.

L: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to
   your queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

E: Are you suggesting we betray her?

L: Oh yes.

E: Alright.

M: Blackadder! What are you saying? What of loyalty? honour? self-respect?

E: What of them?

M: Nothing...

L: So you will both play ball?

M & E: Yep.

L: Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible
   English knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips, hmm?

E: Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig -- shove it. Now, do you want to
   know how to get to the Queen or not?

L: Yes, I thought some kind of disguise. You know, I do a very good Mary,
   Queen of Scots. (turns away, rustles his hair, raises his shoulders and
   turns back to them, speaking in falsetto very thick Scottish dialect
   (actually this voice is not that of the actor, but is a woman's voice))
   `Hoots, mon! Whar's me heid?'


In the Queen's Chamber (Baldrick is eating from a dog dish that Queen holds.)

Q: What sort of party should it be?

P: Oh, fancy dress. I love fancy dress.

Q: Nursie?

N: I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with
   nothing on at all.

Q: Shut up, then. (to Percy) I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
   If we're really to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun
   as possible. And what can be more fun than a party where people come
   dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns?

N: ...and bits of wood!

Q: You're not going to come as a bit of wood.

N: Aren't I?

Q: No!

N: Ah. Well, how about a pencil, then? Should I come as a pencil?

Q: Don't be silly, Nursie. You always talk like this and you always end
   up coming as the same thing.

N: Do I?

Q: Yes, you know-- of co-- everybo-- (gives up. addresses Baldrick) Lassie,
   what does Nursie always come to fancy-dress parties dressed as?

B: I thought everybody knew.

Q: Yes -- everybody, apparently, except Nursie.  Tell her.

B: She always comes as a cow.

N: Yes, that's right! A lovely lovely cow with great big lovely udders.
   I swiggle around going `Mmmoooooo! Come to Nursie Cow, you lovely
   little heifers!' (Percy doesn't find this very appealing)
   Oh yes! What fun! Oh, I want to be a cow again, please?

Q: Shut up. (to Percy) Isn't Nursie stupid?

P: She certainly is, Ma'am. (forced laugh)

Q: You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten about
   those chaps in prison, haven't we?  (spoken in a tone with which -- and she
   looks around like -- no one should dare disagree)

P: (gets a joke in his head; seems rather pleased; puts on a fake curious face)
   What chaps?

all: Pbbbbffffff!!!!!!!


In the Prison

(Guards enter with Ludwig)

Gs: Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

L: My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will eventually
   die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your
   needs.

E: Thank you for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.

L: With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and
   country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World!
   (turns to leave, laughing maniacally)

E: Yes, er, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go...

L: What?

E: Were you ever bullied at school?

L: (a bit defensive) What do you mean?

E: Well, all this ranting and raving about power -- there must be some reason
   for it.

L: Nonsense! No, er, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of
   maturity!

E: I thought so... and I'll bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to
   your final year!  (the guards look at each other for a moment in reaction)

L: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call
   me Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot again!  (the guards again look up a bit
   surprised at this news. Ludwig and guards leave)

E: Touched a nerve there, I think...

M: What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?

E: Nah, don't worry, I've got a plan.

M: Really?

E: Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should no trouble overcoming the guards.
   Germans are sticklers for efficiency and I've been watching their routine.
   I've selected the moment when they're at their most vulnerable. That is
   when we will attack them.

M: Brilliant! How?

E: That is the most cunning bit... (sticks his tongue out slyly)


Later

(Guards approach)

Gs: (in background) Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

E: Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most *vulner-
   able*.

Gs: Ein, zwei...Halt! Jingle the keys: (keys jingle) Open the door!
    (door opens) Greetings to the prisoners: (they take one step in, and
    wave) Guten abend, Englander-scum! March to the table: Ein
    zwei, ein zwei, ein zwei...Halt! Food on the table: ein zwei! (they
    put down a loaf of bread and a sausage). Spit on the food: ein zwei!
    Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein zwei, ein zwei! (they
    do pelvic thrusts)

E: Now! (E & M hit their groins)

Gs: OOOOHHH!

E: (shaking out his hand) Trust me to get the hard one! (They head for the
   stairs. Edmund grabs Melchett and throws him off the stairs, so he can
   leave first.)


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: (dressed as Henry VIII, complete with beard; speaks as deeply as she can)
   Yo ho ho! Off with their heads!

P: Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

Q: Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore! Er, yours is a
   pretty good, too. What is it?

P: It's nothing, Ma'am -- just a mere trifle I threw together.

Q: Doesn't look much like a trifle. Looks more like a fruit salad to me.

P: I see Nursie's really excelled herself.

N: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!

Q: Yes, she has. (looks down at Baldrick, who has a pencil up each nostril)
   I'm not sure about this, though.  What are you meant to be?

B: A pencil case.

Q: (ecstatically) Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
   We had tea and cakes and venison, and then a trip with a couple of little
   friends to the executions!

P: How sweet.

Q: ...if I *wanted* my little friends executed, that is. Oh, how I do wish
   Edmund could be here. He always loved parties, and always always wore
   very very tight tights.

P: (thinking the same dumb joke can work twice)  Edmund who?

(Edmund enters)

E: Edmund Blackadder!

Q: Oh!

E: Majesty...

Q: (removing her beard) Oh, Edmund! But...

E: Did you ever know me to miss a party?

Q: (excited, then serious) But what about Lord Melchett?

E: Yes... Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too.

(Melchett enters)

P: Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss (kisses her hand) which cannot
   be counted on one's fingers!

E: (softly) Bbaaaaa...

Q: Sorry, Edmund?

E: Nothing...

Q: Yes, um, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,
   nothing much has changed around here. (motions to Baldrick, who is gnawing
   on a large bone) Your animal still isn't house-trained, Percy's still
   unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

N: MMMMOOOOOOOOO!

E: Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me. (takes his sword out and stabs
   the cow)

Q: Nursie! (to Edmund) You killed Nursie! (downplayed) Oh, that's horrid...
   (shouts again) Guards! Guards! Take him away and execute him! He's killed
   Nursie!

N: (entering from the hall, wearing a multi-uddered, horrible cow costume;
   not wearing the head) Can anyone help me with my udders?

Q: Nursie?

N: Yes?

E: Yes, and may I introduce you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Ludwig
   the Indestructible! (removes the cow head from Ludwig in the good cow
   costume)

(all gasp)

L: Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.

Q: Er, no, I don't think so, actually.

L: Yes -- you remember when you were young; your father used to take you
   riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle
   in the stable yard. (Queen is embarrassed and motions for him to pass
   that bit.)  *I*, I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who
   held him.

Q: No!

L: Yes!

Q: You?

L: Uh-huh.

Q: Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot??

L: (stands, shouts) No! No, no, no! You will -- all of you -- regret the day
   that you have mocked my complexion. (rushes to the hallway)
   I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! (laughs maniacally, sets about
   opening the outer doors)

E: No -- you will die and be buried. (Edmund throws a large knife into the
   hallway. There is a thunk, and a brief scream from Ludwig.)

all: Hurray!

E: (calmly) ...strange man.

Q: But how did you know it was him?

E: This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told him
   that, if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow.
   From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return,
   and kill the cow.

Q: How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

E: Because, My Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a
   sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill
   the one that *looked like* the cow. That was the mistake I knew that
   Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good!

Q: Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.

E: Well, I must say, Ma'am, it's good to be back.

P: Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

E: I certainly did. Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself, `I wish Percy
   was here--

(Percy embraces Edmund)

E: `...being tortured instead of me.'

P: Gah, we have missed your wit!

B: Did you miss me, My Lord?

E: Ermmm... `Baldrick', is it?

B: That's right.

E: No, not really.

Q: And me... did you miss me, Edmund?

E: Madam, life without you was like...a broken pencil.

Q: (confused) Explain...?

E: Pointless.


 Credits/Theme Song

(during this ending credit, Edmund finally catches the balladeer,
 and drowns him in the fountain)


Edmund Blackadder               Beware all ye who lust for fame
 ROWAN ATKINSON                 The path of life is most uncertain
                                Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game
Lord Percy                      But now the kraut's gone for a burton
 TIM McINNERNY
                                Blackadder! Blackadder!
Baldrick                        He beat the hun by luck
 TONY ROBINSON                  Blackadder! Blackadder!
                                He's smarter than a duck
Queen Elizabeth I
 MIRANDA RICHARDSON             Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
                                Intelligent and deep
Lord Melchett                   Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
 STEPHEN FRY                    A shame about the sheep

Nursie
 PATSY BYRNE

Prince Ludwig
 HUGH LAURIE

Torturer
 MAX HARVEY

1st Guard
 MARK ARDEN

2nd Guard
 LEE CORNES


Epilogue............

A low-toned bell rings. We see Percy, Edmund, Queen, Nursie, Baldrick,
and Melchett. All are dead with slit throats.

Prince Ludwig is disguised as Queen, and is holding a knife.
(Actually using the actress with the actor's voice dubbed in).

L: (laughs) Now *this* is a disguise I'm *really* going to
   enjoy!  If I can just get the voice right...


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blackadder II, Episode 5 - Beer

Black Adder II, Episode 5

Beer

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        [Edmund's house.  Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are
         eating breakfast.]

Percy:  I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your
        breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

Edmund:  Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and
         intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may
         rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy:  Yes, I've heard that.

Edmund:  Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead
         to remind me I'm best.

Percy:  Beshrew me, Edmund!  You're in good fooling this morning.

Edmund:  Don't say `beshrew me', Percy -- only stupid actors say `beshrew me'.

Percy:  Oh, how I would love to be an actor!  I had a great talent for it in
        my youth -- I was the man of a thousand faces.

Edmund:  How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
         [He begins reading a note.]

Percy:  Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.

Edmund:  ...and don't say `tush', either!  It's only a short step from `tush'
         to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'm afraid, I'll shall have to call
         the police.
         [Looks at the note once more.]
         Well!  God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy, Edmund!"

Percy:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical
         puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.

Percy:  But aren't they the most frightful bores?

Edmund:  Yep, but they have one great redeeming feature -- their wallets.
         More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult
         to get your hands on...at least until now, for, tonight, they wish
         to discuss my inheritance.  [runs his fingers through his hair]

Percy:  [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  [calls] Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling
         a piece of cheese from the end of his nose.  Edmund begins to speak
         about something, then notices.]

Edmund:  [calmly]  Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end
         of your nose?

Baldrick:  To catch mice, My Lord.  I lie on the floor with my mouth open
           and hope they scurry in.

Edmund:  ...and do they?

Baldrick:  Not yet, My Lord.

Edmund:  Well, I'm not surprised -- your breath comes straight from Satan's
         bottom, Baldrick.  The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is
         one without a nose.

Baldrick:  That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

Edmund:  Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy
         and I must eat tonight.  We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk,
         Balders; and that means no meat.

Baldrick:  In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

Edmund:  and the surprise is...?

Baldrick:  ...there's nothing else in it except the turnip.

Edmund:  So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a turnip.

Baldrick:  [realisation]  Oh yeah...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Get the door, Baldrick, get the door...

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Percy:  Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations
        are in order...
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  Nice try, Percy, but forget it -- you're not getting a penny.
         [he goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room]

        [A tremendous noise of wood being bent and broken fills the room.
         Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]

Edmund:  [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]
         Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about
         to give phenomenally good.

Baldrick:  You said, "Get the door."

Edmund:  Not good enough.  You're fired.

Baldrick:  But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Edmund:  So has syphilis.  Now get out.

Baldrick:  [obscured by laughter], My Lord.  [starts to leave but returns]
           Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door.
           He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.

Edmund:  [stands up excited]  Really...!

Baldrick:  Yeah -- he's at Death's door.

Edmund:  Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and
         open it for him, then!


        [Scene changes to a large room.  Melchett is lying on a bed with
         a hand on his head.  Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her
         hand.  Nursie pushes on Melchett's stomach.  Edmund enters.]

Queen:  Edmund!  Quick! Quick!  Melchett's dying!  We must do something!

Edmund:  Well, yes, of course... er, some sort of celebration...
         But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it, shall we?

Queen:  Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working...

Nursie:  Come on, little tummy...

Queen:  [goes across the room, to speak privately with Edmund]
        It all started last night at about two o'clock.  I was tucked
        into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when
        I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.

Edmund:  [grins at the double entendre]  Well! I never knew he had it in him.

Queen:  It's true, I promise!  He was banging on the castle gate, falling
        over, and singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something
        called a...dicky-di-do?

Edmund:  Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hymn, isn't it...  [returns to the bed]
         Well, Ma'am, I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett,
         and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.

Queen:  Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man -- I'm fed up with him lying
        there moaning and groaning...

Nursie:  ...and letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs!
         One can scarcely...one can't believe one's tiny nosy!

Edmund:  The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.

Melchett:  [sitting up]  Madam, I protest!  I may be a little delicate this
           morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a
           rhinocerous!

Edmund:  ...if it was allergic to lemonade...

Melchett:  It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale -- he's famous for it!

Edmund:  Oh yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Edmund:  Yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Queen:  Oh, [???] this is so exciting -- the boys are getting tough!

Melchett:  Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the
           visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering
           naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin,
           The Happy Pig!"

Edmund:  So, what did you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of
         potato juice?

Melchett:  On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping
           of curried turtle!  I can assure you: it's no holds barred with
           us at the annual communion-wine tasting.

Edmund:  Annual! Hah!  For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking
         night!

Melchett:  Says who?

Edmund:  Says me!

Melchett:  Says you?

Edmund:  Yeah!

Melchett:  [expecting that Edmund is bragging]  eeaaaahh...

Edmund:  You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the
         underside of >my< table!

Melchett:  Bah...

Queen:  ...tonight!!!

Melchett:  [suddenly in his senses, speaks feebly]  Er, tonight?

Edmund:  [not in his senses]  Yeah! Come on, Melchy -- what are you
         scared of?

Queen:  Perhaps you're right.  [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????].

Melchett:  Oh, all right then -- tonight.  I'll be there.

Queen:  Hurray.  and last one under the table gets...ten thousand florins
        from the loser.

Edmund:  [shocked]  Ma'am...?  Er... right...  Well, I'll get the beer in,
         then.  [bows, puts a thumb to his nose and wiggles his fingers at
         Melchett.  Leaves]

Queen:  [Stands at the door]  Nursie...

Nursie:  Hmm?  [goes to speak privately with Queen]

Queen:  [whispering]  Do you know what I'm going to do?

Nursie:  What?

Queen:  I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these
        boys' nights.

Nursie:  Good idea, poppet.

Queen:  ...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me.

Nursie:  Oh, that's another good idea.  You're so clever today, you better
         be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

Queen:  Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
        Your foot falls off?

Nursie:  It certainly does.  My brother, he had this brilliant idea of
         cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off...


        [Scene changes to Edmund's house.  Percy has quill in hand, taking
         notes for Edmund, who paces the room.]

Edmund:  Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive
         drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the
         sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Percy:  [thinks]  Cardinal Woolsey...  [writes]

Edmund:  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, but his apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Why?

Baldrick:  I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord.  I thought I'd try
           cat for variety.

Edmund:  Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Do you have
         a knife?

Baldrick:  Yeah.

Edmund:  Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations,
         and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them
         in blood -- your blood, to be precise.

Baldrick:  So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My Lord?

Edmund:  Oh, nothing much -- just a small puddle.

Baldrick:  Will you want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for
           instance?

Edmund:  Oh, good lord, no -- a little prick should do.

Baldrick:  Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his
           knife down his trousers and begins sawing]

Edmund:  For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!

Baldrick:  [nearly crying]  I haven't got one there!

Edmund:  Forget it, forget it...  [motions for Baldrick to leave]

Baldrick:  Thank you, My Lord.  [leaves]

Edmund:  Right, now; Perce... How's this list going?

Percy:  Oh, very well indeed.  I thought we could invite my girlfriend,
        Gwendoline...

Edmund:  Sorry -- no chicks.  Who else?

Percy:  Well, that's about as far as I'd got, actually.

Edmund:  Right.  I'll dictate.  First: Simon Partridge.

Percy:  Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich...!

Edmund:  Even he...

Percy:  But he's a fearful oik!

Edmund:  Takes one to know one, Perce.  Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.

Percy:  Here's-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?

Edmund:  The very same...  and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent
         Hermit of Lindisfarne.

Percy:  [holds his nose]  Oh, paugh paugh!

Edmund:  Right. That should do the trick.

Percy:  Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who'll be coming
        anyway...

Edmund:  Oh y--  ...oh, no...


        [Scene changes to the throne room.  Queen is on the throne, Nursie
         is in her normal chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund
         is kneeled on one knee before Queen.]

Queen:  I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get
        out of it.

Edmund:  [frantic]  Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am.  I just want to
         make it another night, that's all.

Nursie:  Certainly not!

Queen:  I beg your pardon...?

Nursie:  Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?  Next thing,
         he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

        [Edmund is quite confused.]

Queen:  He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie:  Well, he should be!  How else is he going to keep clean?
         Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed!

Queen:  Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie:  Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath!

Queen:  [tired of the interruptions]  Oh, shut up, Nursie.
        [to Edmund]  I know why you want to get out of it, because I
        remember the last time you had a party -- I found you face-down
        in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

Edmund:  [stands]  Yes, all right! All right!  Tonight it is.

Queen:  [smiles, a bit turned on]  Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get
        cross.  Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the
        expression on your face.

        [Edmund grins uneasily.]


        [Scene changes to the room in Edmund's house to the right after
         entering through the main door.  Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.
         Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.]

Edmund:  Right, now; let's make sure you've got this.  We are having two
         parties here tonight...

Baldrick:  Right.

Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  ...and they must be kept completely separate.

Baldrick & Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture
         and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick:  Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!  [Percy pats him on the shoulder
           in congratulations]

        [Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous
         house scenes have taken place).]

Edmund:  Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating.
         Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

        [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

Baldrick:  Yes, it is, My Lord.

Edmund:  Then what is so funny?

Percy:  Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip
        Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was
        exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

        [Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

Edmund:  [not amused]  ...a thingy...

Baldrick:  ...a great big thingy!  It was terrific.

Edmund:  Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.  Most horses are very
         well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive
         lovers.  I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

Baldrick:  Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

Edmund:  Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance
         than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy:  Absolutely, Edmund.  ...but it was jolly funny!  [laughs more]

Edmund:  Yes, yes, yes...

Baldrick:  I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got
           a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund:  Yes, all right...

Baldrick:  I'm quite [?] at parties...

Edmund:  [not interested]  are you...

Baldrick:  Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

Edmund:  What fun...  Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having
         a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten
         thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick:  Oh dear...

Edmund:  What do you mean?

Baldrick:  Well, firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins; and,
           thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face
           and start singing that song about the goblin.

Edmund:  That's nonsense.  ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

Baldrick:  [to Percy]  It is true -- I saw it!

Edmund:  Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true...
         So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale,
         you must pass me water in an ale bottle.  Have you got that?

Baldrick:  Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water.

Edmund:  Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy:  [tries to act suave]  Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to
        handle a woman.

Edmund:  Oh god...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Right, here goes...

        [Edmund goes to the front door.  Baldrick brushes Edmund's clothing
         for a moment.]

Edmund:  [motioning for Baldrick to stop]  It's all right...

        [Baldrick opens the closet door and tosses the brush in.
         Edmund opens the front door.  Aunt and Uncle's clothing is
         all white, with a large cross around the neck, a cross sticking
         out of each shoulder, and a white helmet with a cross sticking
         out the top.]

Edmund:  Uncle! Aunt!  Greetings!  How nice it is to see you.
         [He leans over and kisses Aunt on each cheek.]

Aunt:  [slaps Edmund twice]  Wicked child!!!  Don't lie!  Everyone hates us,
       and you know it!

Edmund:  Oh yes.  Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy...?

Percy:  [suave]  Well well well, Eddy!  You didn't tell me you had
        such a good-looking aunt!

        [Edmund waves at him to shut up.  Aunt is shocked.]

Percy:  Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!  I know what I like,
        and I like what I see!

Aunt:  [slaps Percy]  Be gone, Satan!  [heads to the main room]

Edmund:  Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
         Did I say `inheritance'?  I meant `journey'.
         [motions around the table]  If you'd just like to help yourself
         to a legacy -- er, a chair...

Aunt:  `Chair'?  You have chairs in your house?

Edmund:  Oh, yes.

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Chairs are an invention of Satan!
       In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

Edmund:  ...and yourself...?

Aunt:  I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.

Edmund:  Well, quite.

Aunt:  I will suffer comfort this once -- we shall just have to stick
       forks in our legs between courses.  [sits]  I trust you remember
       we eat no meat...?  [Uncle, off-camera, has sat too.]

Edmund:  Heaven forbid, no!  [Goes to sit at the end of the table;
         Percy sits at the other end]  Here, we feast only on God's
         lovely turnip -- mashed.

Aunt:  [stands suddenly]  Mashed?!

Edmund:  Yes...

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Mashing is also the work of
       Beelzebub -- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it
       and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

Edmund:  Ah.

Aunt:  I shall have my turnip as God intended.  [sits]

Edmund:  Fine.  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?

Baldrick:  Well, we've only got the one that--

Edmund:  [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant
         to Aunt and Uncle]  Just do it, thank you.

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as
         God intended?

Aunt:  He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence.
       [Uncle looks quite unhappy]  I believe that silence is golden.

        [Edmund begins to say something like "Oh, I see" but decides it's
         better to be golden.  Aunt gives him an approving look.]

        [Pause]

        [Edmund, still not wanting to speak, but also wanting to get to the
         topic he wants to talk about, clears his thoat, making the word
         `inheritance' as he does so.]

        [There is a noisy knock on the front door.]

Aunt:  Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests...?

Edmund:  Oh, certainly not!

Aunt:  Good -- for where there are other guests there are people to
       fornicate with!

Edmund:  Well, quite.

        [More knocking on the front door.]

Edmund:  I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.  [motions over to
         Percy]  Lord Percy...  [leaves]

Percy:  Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence...
        Now, that's quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it.

        [In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false
         breasts over his clothing, then goes to the front door and opens
         it.  Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,
         also wearing false breasts over their clothing.  Monk wears a hat
         with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship
         on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't
         describe -- like a May pole.  They sing.]

        "Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby!
         Happy Birthday to you!"

        [In the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to make of it;
         Percy is unable to think of an explanation.]

Edmund:  [loudly so Aunt can hear]  But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon!

        [In the main room, Aunt nods and smiles.  Percy is relieved.]

        [Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.]

Edmund:  Well, well, get stuck in, boys.

Partridge:  `Stuck in'! Way-hey! Get it?

Monk:  No...  [Piddle doesn't, either]

Partridge:  Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it!  `Stuck >in<'!

        [The boozers laugh, as there's a knock at the front door.]

Edmund:  Er, sorry -- back in a tick.  [leaves]

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads?  Now; that sounds a bit rude,
            doesn't it...  That sounds a bit like `bum'.

        [They laugh.]

        [Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door.  Melchett enters.]

Edmund:  Ah, Melchett -- late, I see, to avoid the early drinking.
         Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner -- you're not even
         wearing a pair of comedy breasts!

Melchett:  [opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts]
           Au contraire, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious
         drinking, shall we?

Melchett:  [has moved to the door of the main room]  In here?

Edmund:  Er, no, no, it's this way.  [shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom]
         Here we are.

        [As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
         backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.]

Melchett:  Good evening, er...

Edmund:  Lads, this is Lord Melchett.

        [They cheer.]

Edmund:  Er, give him a large one, will you?

Partridge:  `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it?

Piddle:  No...

Partridge:  Yes you do!  `Large one'!  Sounds a bit rude!

Piddle:  Oh yes!  `Large one'!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first,
         Melchy, but you'll soon get used to it.  Well, er, [taking a mug
         and raising it] down the hatch!

        [The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the
         closet.  He goes to the door of the main room, about to remove
         the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door.  In the
         main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the table.  Edmund
         opens the front door.  Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak, and
         tries to disguise her voice.]

Queen:  I heard there was a party on.

Edmund:  [not knowing who it is]  No. Yes, there are two, and you are
         invited to neither.  [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks]

Queen:  I'm a friend of Lord Percy.

Edmund:  Oh, you must be Gwendoline!  You were invited anyway.  Come in, do.

Queen:  Thank you very much.  [enters]

Edmund:  It's in here...  [opens the closet door, pushes Queen in, closes the
         closet door and locks it]

        [Edmund enters the main room again at last, but has forgotten about
         his false breasts.]

Edmund:  I'm sorry about that.  [obscured by laughter]  [sits]

Percy:  [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund]
        agh... agh...aaagh!

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  Sorry, he's sick -- leprosy...of the brain.

Aunt:  That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be
       wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!

Edmund:  [looks down at the breasts, double-takes]  Oh my god -- my earmuffs
         have fallen down!  [puts the breasts over his head so they cover
         his ears]  It's getting, er, would you like a pair?  It is getting
         rather cold... [??]

Aunt:  No thank you!  Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!

Edmund:  Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

Aunt:  [stands up]  Don't call me `Aunty'!!!  [slaps him twice]
       `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex,
       and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.  [sits]

Edmund:  ...or, indeed, any table.

Percy:  ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have
         fallen off your chair.

        [Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped
         turnip]

Edmund:  Now then, what was I saying?  [sees the turnip and speaks without
         a pause]  Oh my god...

Baldrick:  [to Aunt]  Your turnip, My Lady...

Aunt:  [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide]
       Very good! Very good!  [bites into it, then points it at Uncle,
       and speaks to him]  You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back
       to our wedding night.

        [Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.  Baldrick has left.]

Aunt:  [to Edmund]  We had raw turnips that night.

        [Drunken cheering is heard.]

Aunt:  What was that?

Edmund:  What was what?

Aunt:  That noise.

Edmund:  Noise?  [turns his head and lifts a breast off an ear]
         Did you hear a noise, Percy?

Percy:  No...

Edmund:  Good.

Percy:  ...apart from that colossal drunken roar.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh, >that< noise -- it's the
         catholics next door, I'm afraid.

Aunt:  [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise]

Edmund:  Er, but, I'll, I'll just go and burn them.  Back in a minute.
         [stands]  Percy...  [leaves]

        [In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's false breasts, and fits a
         false nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit.  As
         Edmund goes down the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet.
         He opens the closet door.]

Edmund:  Yes?

Queen:  I'm suffocating!

Edmund:  [still not knowing who it is]  Well, thank God you knocked.  [takes
         her out of the closet]  Come on, now, now, take a deep breath.
         [she does]  ...and another...  [she does]  Better?

Queen:  Yes.

Edmund:  Good.  [pushes her back into the closet, and closes the door again]

        [Back in the main room, Percy still tries to be good company.]

Percy:  Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics: they do have
        natural rhythm!  [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]

        [In Baldrick's bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing
         false noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge's is coming
         out the side of his head.]

Melchett:  I notice you're not drinking, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers -- I'm holding my own here.

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Holding my own'!  Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.

Melchett:  [standing]  Er, Blackadder, it doesn't explain why you're not
           drinking with us.

Edmund:  Ah yes, no, that's what I actually came to talk to you about,
         you see.  What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute
         silence to get some really serious drinking in?

        [The boozers cheer, then realise that that's noisy, so they all go
         `shh!' rather messily.]

Edmund:  Yes... I said, "Please give me silence" -- not "drench me with
         dribble."

Melchett:  [hands Edmund a silver goblet]  Well, now, here's a nice glass
           of cider.

Edmund:  Oh, only cider?  I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!

        [The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.]

        [Edmund enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses
         the cider in.  Queen shrieks upon getting wet.  Edmund removes his
         false nose and breasts, heading for the main room.  In Baldrick's
         bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers and Melchett are sitting down
         like in a rowboat.  A barrel of something bursts open.  Edmund
         enters the main room once again.]

Edmund:  So, how are we all going, then?

Aunt:  Not well.  Let us discuss your inheritance.

Edmund:  [has sat]  Ah, yes, good.  Erm, a little drink, first?

Aunt:  [stands]  Drink?!  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Drink is
       urine for the last leper in Hell!

Edmund:  Oh, no, no -- this is only water.  This is a house of simple purity.

        [Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions.  He rushes to the
         fireplace and vomits, then turns and begins to leave.]

Monk:  Great booze-up, Edmund!  [farts, leaves]

        [pause]

Aunt:  Do you know that man?

Edmund:  [looks behind himself as though he didn't really see]  No...

Aunt:  He called you `Edmund'...

Edmund:  Oh, >know< >him<...oh, yes, I do.

Aunt:  Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'?

Edmund:  [thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks
          ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ...
           ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks]

         Yes, I can...  My friend...is...a missionary...and...on his last
         visit abroad...brought back with him...the chief of a famous
         tribe...  >His< name is Great Bu...  He's been suffering from
         sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as
         you heard, "Great Bu's up"...

Percy:  [almost passing out from holding his breath]  Well done, Edmund...

Edmund:  ...and I think I'd better just go and visit him...  [stands]
         Perce, over to you...  [leaves]

Percy:  Yes...  How about some sort of game?  Er, how about a couple of
        frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?  [he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction,
        which is not seen on camera]

        [Edmund re-enters Baldrick's bedroom.  Piddle has a cardinal's
         hat in his hand (for the aformentioned Cardinal Chunder routine).]

Melchett:  [climbing off the floor]  Blackadder! You challenged me to a
           drinking competition earlier today, and I haven't seen you touch
           a drop!

Edmund:  Nonsense!

Melchett:  It's true!  You, you twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing.
           I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan' if it
           isn't so.

Edmund:  Fine, all right.  [opens the door, calls out]  Baldrick, fetch my
         Incredibly Strong Ale...!

Monk:  Good god!  Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema...?

Edmund:  Pah! -- a drink for schoolgirls...

Partridge:  Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy...?

Edmund:  No -- it is Blackadder's Bowel Basher!

        [Baldrick enters with a pitcher and glass.]

Edmund:  ...a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant!
         ...is it not, Baldrick?

Baldrick:  Nah, it's water.

Melchett:  WHAT?

        [Partridge growls]

Edmund:  Eh, heh heh... No, but seriously, Baldrick -- and presuming you wish
         to see another dawn...

Baldrick:  You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord...?

Edmund:  [trying to show off]  Yes, that's right.

Baldrick:  Oh, that's a relief; I thought I'd made a mistake.

Edmund:  Ah.

        [Baldrick begins to pour the water in the glass.  Being a glass and
         not a metal mug like all the others have, everyone can see that the
         liquid is water -- particularly when Baldrick spills some.]

Piddle:  [standing, shouts]  My god! He's right!  It >is< water!

        [Edmund kicks Baldrick in the shin.]

Monk:  Come on, lads -- let's give him a >real< drink!  [he gives a pitcher
       to Edmund]

Edmund:  Well, fine...

Monk:  Bums up!

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Bums'!  Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it?

Melchett:  Drink, Blackadder!  Drink!

        [Edmund begins to drink...]

        [42 Seconds Later]

        [In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt.  Edmund enters, with the
         cardinal hat on his head and the ostrich feather sticking out of
         the back of his tights.  His speech is slurred.]

Edmund:  Percy, I've lost the bet.

Aunt:  Edmund! Explain yourself!

Edmund:  I can't -- not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,
         Aunty...  Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!
         ...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like:
         "See the little goblin, see his little--

Aunt:  I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are
       grinning inanely, and [sees the feather as Edmund turns around and
       falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the
       door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your
       britches!

Edmund:  I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder;
         I have an ostrich feather up my bottom [Percy nods and mouths
         Edmund's words, having heard this before] because Mr Ostrich put it
         there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning
         inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you
         and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee
         hee hee hee!

Aunt:  [shouting]  Is that right?  May I remind you, cursed creature [raises
       her hand to slap him, but he's too far away, so slaps Percy instead],
       that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.

Edmund:  Oh, yes -- damn.  Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Aunt:  Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Edmund:  Shove off, you old trout!

Aunt:  How dare you speak to my husband like that!  [Uncle is surprised at
       this remark]  Nathaniel, we're leaving!

        [Uncle stands and walks out.]

Aunt:  [turns to Percy]  and you...

Percy:  [frightened]  Yes?

Aunt:  Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy:  [as though it goes without saying]  Oh, yes...

Aunt:  Good.  [stands, leaves, slamming the door]

Edmund:  Good riddance, you old witch!

        [There's a knock on the room door.]

Edmund:  Whoops -- she's forgotten her broomstick.

        [The door opens, and Uncle leans in.]

Uncle:  Look, er... [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him]
        I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.  Yes, first rate,
        all round... [looks toward Percy] ...particularly your jester.

        [Percy looks behind himself, confused, trying to find this jester.]

Uncle:  Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip -- very funny!
        >Exactly< the same shape...as a thingy!  [leaves]

        [Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.]

Aunt:  Good god!!!  [raises the large cross that she wears around her neck]

Partridge:  Well, look who it is!!!

Piddle:  Who is it?

Partridge:  Well, it's a boys' party; she's a girl, so she must be
            the stripper!

        [The boozers and Melchett cheer.  Aunt raises the cross even higher.]

        [Meanwhile, back in the main room...]

Percy:  Oh, no... Don't get too depressed, Edmund...  I mean, money
        isn't everything...  Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely
        smiles on little babies' faces... [he tries to make such a smile]

Edmund:  Be quiet, Percy...

        [In the hallway, Uncle opens the closet door, and motions to Aunt.]

Uncle:  This way!

        [Aunt and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out.  The boozers
         enter the hallway from Baldrick's bedroom.]

Partridge:  Whoa!  Another stripper!

        [Uncle comes out.]

Piddle:  ...and a male stripper!

        [The boozers cheer.  Uncle goes back into the closet.]

Monk:  [removing Queen's cloak]  Oh, yes, this is much more like it!

        [There's a pause while they see Queen in her royal dress]

Partridge:  ...and she's come dressed as the Queen!

Piddle:  Oh!! Sex-y!!! [does a little pelvic dance in front on Queen]

Queen:  Do you know who I am!

        [Edmund comes out from the main room.  Percy is behind him.]

Edmund:  Yes! >I< know who you are!

[Piddle?]:  Who?

Edmund:  You're Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!

        [The boozers cheer.]

Queen:  Wrong, I'm afraid.  I >am< the Queen of England.

        [Everyone slowly and clumsily (save Percy) falls to their knees.]

Queen:  I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the
        heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!

Partridge:  Prove it!

Queen:  I certainly will...!  [she grabs a mug]  First I'm going to have
        a little drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally
        lot of you.  [drinks]


        [Dawn The Next Day]

Edmund:  [singing]  "See the little goblin, see his little feet /
                     And his little nosy-wose -- isn't the goblin sweet?"

        [Everyone -- even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here -- shouts "Yes!"
         Some of them aren't wearing their own hats any more.  Percy has
         Uncle's helmet on, for instance.  Others have hats previously
         unseen.]

Edmund:  "See the little goblin--

Queen:  Er, wait a minute...  I'm sure there was something very important
        I had to do to all of you this morning.

        [Everyone -- including Queen -- giggles at the possibilities.]

Melchett:  I remember something about ten thousand florins...? was it...?
           or...?

Uncle:  I think it was something about an inheritance.

Edmund:  Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?

        [Everyone cheers "Yes!"]

Edmund:  Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue,
         and perhaps finish, with any luck...

        [Suddenly, from under Queen's dress, Aunt emerges.]

Aunt:  `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Way-hey! Get it?

        [Everyone says, "No..."]

Aunt:  Oh, come on!  `Luck'!  Sounds almost exactly like `f--

        [Ending music and credits.  Edmund comes into view with a stick.
         He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,
         hoping to hit the balladeer.  He goes far beyond the fountain.
         On the last line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close
         to the camera view, then goes off-shot again.  Edmund sees him,
         and runs down the lane as fast as he can, stick raised in the air...]


        ` ` B l a c k  -
             a d d e r  I I ' '

        Edmund Blackadder               Blackadder couldn't hold his beer
         ROWAN ATKINSON                 The art of boozing he'd not mastered
                                        And I, your merry balladeer
        Lord Percy                      Am also well and truly plastered
         TIM McINNERNY
                                        Blackadder! Blackadder!
        Baldrick                        A bit like Robin Hood
         TONY ROBINSON                  Blackadder! Blackadder!
                                        But nothing like as good
        Queen Elizabeth I
         MIRANDA RICHARDSON             Blackadd*hic*! Blackadd*hic*!
                                        I thought that he had died
        Lord Melchett                   Blackadder! Blackadder!
         STEPHEN FRY                    Our writers must have lied

        Nursie
         PATSY BYRNE

        Lady Whiteadder
         MIRIAM MARGOLYES

        Simon Partridge
         HUGH LAURIE

        Geoffrey Piddle
         ROGER BLAKE

        Monk
         WILLIAM HOOTKINS

        Lord Whiteadder
         DANIEL THORNDIKE



        Music by
         HOWARD GOODALL

        Graphic Designer
         GRAHAM KERN

        Properties Buyer
         MONICA BOGGUST


        Costume Designer
         ANNIE HARDINGE

        Make-up Designer
         VICKY POCOCK


        Production Assistant
         AMITA LOCHAB

        Assistant Floor Manager
         SARAH GOWERS


        Vision Mixer
         HEATHER GILDER

        Senior Camerman
         RON GREEN

        Videotape Editor
         CHRIS WADSWORTH


        Studio Lighting
         DON BABBAGE

        Studio Sound
         NEIL SADWICK

        Technical Co-Ordinator
         RAY HIDER


        Production Manager
         PRUE SAENGER


        Designer
         ANTONY THORPE



        Director
         MANDIE FLETCHER



        Producer
         JOHN LLOYD

        (C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.


        T h e   E n d

Blackadder II, Episode 4 - Money

Black Adder II, Episode 4

Money

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        [In Edmund's bedroom, Edmund is asleep. Beside his head is a pair
         of feet. The owner of the feet is named Mollie.]

[knock at door]

Edmund: Go away.

Baldrick: (standing at open doorway) My Lord, there is someone at the door
          to see you.

Edmund: (wearily) Oh god. What time is it?

Baldrick: Four o'clock.

Edmund: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day;
        this woman charges by the hour.

Baldrick: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Edmund: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant
        lark?

Baldrick: No, he's a priest.

Edmund: Tell him I'm jewish.

Mollie: (pushing herself out from beneath the covers at the foot of the bed)
        Aren't you going to introduce me, then?

Edmund: What?

Mollie: Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Edmund: Oh very well, but I think you're making a terrible mistake. Baldrick,
        I'm delighted to introduce you to ... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your
        name.

Mollie: Mollie!

Edmund: Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.

Mollie: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls
        would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants
        to do.

Edmund: Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute.
        Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get some
        sleep.

Baldrick: Well, what about this priest?

Edmund: Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and what's more, if
        he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of
        Bath and Wells, who drowns babies at their christening and eats them
        in the vestry afterwards.

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.

Mollie: (sweetly) Bye, Baldrick!

Baldrick: (just as so) Bye bye, Mollie!

Edmund: Get out; go on! (Baldrick leaves) You're a one, aren't you? When you
        should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness me,
        something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view
        between the sheets," you don't say a word, but enter the Creature
        From The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.

Mollie: He was treating me like a human being.

Edmund: Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have
        gone to bed with Martin Luther.

[Baldrick flies through the door, literally, and remains lying on the floor
with door fragments.]

Edmund: (he had just put his head down, and remains so with his eyes closed)
        Yes, what is it, Baldrick?

Baldrick: It's that priest. He says he still wants to see you.

Edmund: And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

Baldrick: I did, My Lord.

Edmund: And what did he say?

Bishop: (enters; shouts) He said, "I *am* the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and
        Wells!"

Edmund: (sits up with a start) Good lord!

Bishop: You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder.

Edmund: No, no, I'm not married.

Bishop: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.
        Do you know what day it is today?

Edmund: Er...

Bishop: It was exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black
        Monks of St. Herod -- "Banking with a smile and a stab" -- of which
        I am the assistant manager, lent you one thousand pounds. (kneels
        down to be face-to-face with Edmund, who begins cowering) Our motto
        is "Repayment or Revenge."

Edmund: Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but -- and this is
        the real bugger -- I've gone and lost my wallet. Has that ever
        happened to you? Disasterous! It had all my things in it: all those
        little notes saying "Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!

Bishop: That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Failure to pay back
        a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we HATE SIN!

[Bishop lifts up the sheets, revealing that Edmund -- dressed in a brief
black loincloth -- is in bed with Mollie.]

Edmund: Ah. Erm, Your Grace, may introduce my mother ...  Mother, this is--

Bishop: (recognises Mollie) Good morning, my dear! (sits on the bed) I hope
        you haven't forgotten our appointment.

Mollie: (sweetly) Of course not, Pumpy!

Bishop: You know, I have a mind, my pretty, to play "Nuns and Novices," so
        don't forget your wimple.

Mollie: OK!

Bishop: (to Edmund) And, as for you, you come with me.

Edmund: (stands) Where?

Bishop: To visit the last poor fool who (draws his sword) LOST HIS WALLET!
        (hits Edmund's bare buttocks with sword; Edmund runs out)


        [at graveyard; a mad beggar is dancing around (the same one whom
         Edmund chases in the final credits of each episode).]

Edmund: (reading over a tombstone) "William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood
        with the love of Christ; died 1563 in ... agony with a spike up his
        bottom."

Beggar: (comes behind Edmund) Ah! 'Tis ever (in sown uncle?) with the Black
        Monks! (fondles the tombstone) Oh! Screamed, did he -- scream and
        gurgle as they skewered his catflap for once of a farthing!

Bishop: I think you get my message.

Edmund: (stands; the beggar grabs onto his leg; he tries to shake him off as
        he speaks) Erm, yes, yes indeed. But, tell me, Bishop, let me just
        test the water here, so to speak. Erm, supposing I was to say to you
        something like, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she'd
        be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so
        why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"

Bishop: I would say, firstly, "The Queen would not believe you," and,
        secondly, (draws a hot poker) "You'll regret calling me `Fatso',
        later today!"

Edmund: Ah.

Bishop: I will have my money by Evensong tonight or ...
        YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!  (exits)

Beggar: (letting go of Edmund's leg finally, stands) Oh! Poor Tom's cold!
        Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and
        HE'S MAD! (waving his arms quite dramatically)

Edmund: Oh shut up! (pushes the beggar into an open grave)


        (at Edmund's home)

Edmund: So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.
        Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered.
        What should I do?

Baldrick: It's obvious.

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: You'll have to get murdered. You'll never raise that sort of money.

Percy: (looks up from his book, waves his handkerchief about, chuckling)
       Oh, come now, Baldrick. A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund,
       and damn his impudence.

Edmund: I haven't got a thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid in the whole
        world! (holds up a small bag)

Percy: But you're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.

Edmund: Ah, a cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve
        my standing, unfortunately.

Percy: (stands) What, do you mean you've been ... fibbing?

Edmund: (sits in chair by the door) Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of
        whoppers. I consider myself one of England's finest liars. (looks out
        the door) Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about to eat your
        hat and cloak!

Percy: Oh no! (runs out)

Edmund: (to Baldrick) You see? I'm terrific at it.

Percy: (comes back) It seems to have gone now. Well, couldn't you just dip
       into the family fortune?

Edmund: There isn't one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur
        dramatics. At the end, he was eking out of a living doing
        humourous impressions of Anne of Cleeves.

Percy: (sympathetic) Oh, Edmund, I am sorry -- I had no idea. But do not
       despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my
       weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps,
       it is just over a thousand, methinks, and has for years has been
       hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...

Edmund and Percy: ...under the squeaky floorboard...

Baldrick, Edmund and Percy: ...behind the kitchen dresser.

Percy: (smiles, slightly warily) You've seen it!

Edmund: Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And same goes for the two farthings
        Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.

Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!

Percy: Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet
       (sits on the floor) and tell sad stories.

Edmund: Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit
        about.

Baldrick: You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.

Edmund: Well, exactly. (sits at his desk) But still, I've got 85 quid and
        that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something, as long as I'm not
        disturbed.

[a messenger enters]

Messenger: My Lord, the Queen dost demand your urget presence on pain
           of death.

Edmund: Oh god! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's
        own Satanic herd!


        [Edmund walks briskly up the hall and enters court.]

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me...

Queen: (playing chess with Melchett) Did I? I don't remember.
       What a naughty scatterbrain I am! (makes a move on the
       chess board) Zap! (takes off one of Melchett's pieces)

Edmund: Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have one
        or two tiny matters to attend to.

Queen: Certainly.

[Edmund bows, turns, and opens the doors. Melchett, Queen and Nursie break
into laughter. Edmund turns back.]

Queen: That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?

Melchett: Oh, magnificent!

Nursie: And so naughty!

Edmund: What, My Lady?

Queen: I do know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn't,
       and I fooled you. And it worked brilliantly, didn't it!

Edmund: It was terrific, Madam. I thank God I wore my corset, because
        I think my sides have split. So why *did* you want to see me?

Queen: To crack the lovely joke.

Melchett: Or perhaps, Blackadder, you don't think the Queen's jokes are
          funny enough for you to be troubled with.

Edmund: Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't
        laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head would've
        fallen off.

Queen: If you don't start soon, your head *will* fall off! (all laugh) Now
       pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.

[Melchett, sitting on the floor, his back to Edmund, holds out his hand.]

Edmund: 85 pounds?

Queen: We had a bet. I said that you wouldn't fall for my trick, and Melchy
       said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid. So you owe
       him 85 pounds.

Edmund: Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it! (gives it to Melchett)


        [Edmund's house, in hallway. Baldrick is sweeping the floor.
         Edmund enters.]

Edmund: I can *not* believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to
        Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal
        Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of
        the passage pretending to be a door.

[Baldrick giggles]

Edmund: Oh, shut up, Baldrick -- you'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

Percy: (rushes out of the living room) Edmund, oh Edmund, I've awaited your
        return! (hugs him)

Edmund: And thank God you did, for I was just thinking, "My god! I die in 12
        hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!"
        (enters the living room)

Percy: But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear dear
       friend.

Edmund: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about me?

Percy: (giggles) Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.

Edmund: Oh, alright, then. (sits) What's your big plan, blockhead?

Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy --
       the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

Edmund: I see, and the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent
        people since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits at all.

Percy: Oh no; I like a challenge! (exits, as Baldrick pours a drink)

Edmund: Well, Balders, I lost the 85 quid. The grave opens up before me
        like a ... big hole in the ground.

Baldrick: (gives the cup to Edmund) Well, I did have one idea, My Lord,
          but ... nah, it's stupid, you wouldn't... (turns to leave)

Edmund: What is it?

Baldrick: (turns back) Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down
          the docks, doing favours for sailors.

Edmund: Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons --
        that kind of thing?

Baldrick: Erm, not quite.

Edmund: (starts to stand) Baldrick!

Baldrick: My Lord?

Edmund: Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?

Baldrick: Well, good-looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs -- you
          can make a (bomb?). Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and,
          er, make the old sign.

Edmund: I'd rather die.

Baldrick: Oh, fair enough, that's all right, then. I'll just put the kettle
          on while we wait, shall I? (turns to leave)

Edmund: (reaches out and grabs Baldrick's shoulder, turning him round)
        On second thought, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid
        plan might just work.


        [at docks, Baldrick is dressed in Edmund's clothes. His hat has
         a pink carnation in it, and he holds a sign reading "GET -IT- HERE."
         He bounces seductively as a burly sailor named Arthur strides up.]

Arthur: Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.

Edmund: (comes from round the corner) A penny?!

Arthur: Well, alright then -- tuppence!

Edmund: Oh, all right, go on. (disappears behind the corner)

Arthur: Nothing fancy. Just a peck. I miss my mum, you see. When I a little
        kid, my mother always used to come up--

Edmund: (appears) Look, get a move on! He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!

Arthur: Go on, please! Just a little peck on the cheek, and say, "There
        there, Arthur -- Mummy'll kiss it better, and you shall have a
        story."

Edmund: Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?

Baldrick: What, kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.

Arthur: Oh, go on, please! (crying) I miss my mother so much. I mean, she
        was like a mother to me!

Edmund: Well, alright, go on, Baldrick. (disappears)

Baldrick: (starts to reach up to Arthur's cheek, but pauses) I've forgotten
          what I'm supposed to say.

[Arthur cries]

Edmund: (appears, fed up) Get out of the way; I'll do it. (takes the sign)
        There there, Arthur (*smooch*). Mummy kiss it better, and you shall
        have a story.

Arthur: (excited) What kind of a story?

Edmund: Well, I don't know ... one about a squirrel, I suppose.

        [some time later]

Edmund: ...and then Squirry the Squirrel went...

Arthur and Baldrick: (everyone has their arms around each other)
                     ..."Neep neep neep!"...

Edmund: ...and they all went home for tea.

Arthur: Ah, thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys! That was wonderful.
        (turns to Edmund) Now then, how much do you charge for a good
        hard shag?

Edmund: (nervous) A thousand pounds.

Arthur: A thousand pounds? You've got to be joking!

Edmund: Well, I'm sure we could negotiate. (tosses the sign to Baldrick)

[Arthur smiles at Baldrick]


        [back at Edmund's house]

Edmund: Right, so we've got sixpence.

Baldrick: Yeah, now all we need to do, My Lord, is to go down the cockfights
          and put it on a bird that's a dead cert but has got odds of forty
          thousand to one.

Edmund: Know you of such a bird?

Baldrick: No. But we could make one.

Edmund: No we couldn't, Baldrick. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told
        sometime. Sit down. What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird
        who love each other very much get certain urges...

Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. What I mean is: we could get a mad wild killer
          bull, and disguise it as a bird, but it'll be such a strange-looking
          bird that no-one will back it, but we'll know it's a killer bull so
          we'll put money on it.

Edmund: Only we will know.

Baldrick: Yeah -- if we stick enough feathers on it and hang an egg between
          its legs.

Edmund: Yes, alright, alright, Baldrick. A chat with you and somehow death
        loses its sting.

Messenger: (enters) My Lord, the Queen dost demand your presence on pain of
           death.

Edmund: You're not making any friends here, you do know that, don't you,
        messenger!


        [Edmund runs up the hall and enters court.]

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me again.

Queen: Yes, Edmund. I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.

Edmund: Ah.

Queen: It was naughty and bad of me.

Nursie: It was, my little rosebud. If you weren't quite so big, it'd be
        time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottyland.

Queen: Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.

Edmund: That's all...

Queen: Yes. Thanks for coming. (extends her hand to him vertically (to shake))

[Edmund quickly turns and opens the doors; court party cracks up as before.]

Queen: That was very funny too, wasn't it?

Edmund: My Lady?

Queen: Dragging you all the way across town again just to say sorry for
       dragging you all the way across town the first time! (stops laughing)
       It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?

Edmund: It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the
        world's greatest living comedian. (bows)

Queen: Oh, you are super, Edmund. Oh, Edmund, erm, I promised Lord Melchett
       that I would play [Sharp?] Halfpenny with him, but we have no coin.
       Do you have a halfpenny?

Edmund: Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Ma'am. What a shame!

Queen: Oh, no -- a sixpence will do just as well. (holds out her hand)

Edmund: Oh, good! (hands it over)


        [back home, Edmund enters the hallway, which is full of smoke]

Edmund: Oh god, this place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the
        Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

Percy: (rushes out the living room, dirtied) My Lord! Success!

Edmund: What?

Percy: (drags Edmund into the living room) After literally an hour's
       ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold. PURE GOLD!

Edmund: Are you sure?

Percy: Yes, My Lord! Behold! (uncovers the top; their faces get bathed in
       green light)

Edmund: Percy, it's green.

Percy: That's right, My Lord.

Edmund: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour
        of gold is gold -- that's why it's called gold. What you have dis-
        covered, if it has a name, is some green.

Percy: (stupefied; picks up the green) Oh, Edmund, can it be true? that I
       hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

Edmund: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not only a nugget as
        it is more of a splat.

Percy: Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? or dares to dream!

Edmund: So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green
        at will.

Percy: Thus so! (whispers) I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

Edmund: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,
        Percy.

Percy: (smiles) Perhaps, My Lord.

Edmund: That you, Percy -- Lord Percy -- are an utter berk!  Baldrick!

Baldrick: My Lord?

Edmund: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.

Baldrick and Percy: (shocked) What?

Edmund: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I
        know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been
        out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick,
        go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder
        wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.


        [Later, Edmund shows his place to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pants]

Edmund: (coming in) ...and this is the den.

Mrs: (looks around) Ooh, dear.

Edmund: But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely
        encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me
        well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble
        for long.

Mrs: I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

Edmund: Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. (to Mr. Pants) Stop
        me if I'm getting too technical.

[Mr. Pants starts to speak, but is interrupted.]

Mrs: And the floor (??) is a little uneven.

Edmund: Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!

Mrs: Strange smell.

Edmund: Yes, that's the servant; he'll be gone.

Mr: You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?

Edmund: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's
        called `wit'.

Mrs: What about the privies?

Edmund: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the
        sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo,
        let's make them functional, and comfortable."

Mr: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, Dear!

Edmund: I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. (goes to
        a pot and pours into a cup) Drink?

Mrs: (insistent for a real answer) What about the privies?

Edmund: (doesn't give away either of the two cups he holds) Well, what we're
        talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall,
        fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation
        below.

Mrs: You mean you crap out of the window.

Edmund: Yes!

Mrs: Well! In that case, we'll *definitely* take it! (takes a cup from Edmund)
     I can't stand those dirty indoor things.


        [later, Edmund counts the money]

Edmund: There, that's the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I
        managed to beat him up to eleven hundred.

Percy: Oh, Edmund, you wily old trickster, you!

Edmund: Oh, credit where credit's due -- I just named the price; it was
        Baldrick who actually beat him up.

[Percy nods]

Edmund: Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?

Percy: Ah! 'tis a brooch, My Lord -- a brooch cunningly fashioned from
       pure green.

Edmund: It looks like you've sneezed.

Percy: It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring, that I
       intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!

Edmund: You think there's a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?

Percy: (upset) My Lord!

Edmund: The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since
        departed, hasn't he, Perce.

Messenger: (enters) My Lord--

Edmund: Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited
        another second without you.


        [Edmund sprints up the hall and enters court, where the trio is
         hunched over a war map]

Edmund: Majesty!

Queen: Thank God you've arrived -- terrible news!

Edmund: What?

Melchett: The French intend to invade, Blackadder.

Edmund: My god!

Queen: So I need some money.

[Edmund, fearing the worst, falls down into the throne]

Melchett: Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds towards the upkeep of the
          navies.

Queen: But we've decided to make you a special case.

Edmund: (sitting up a bit) Oh, thank you, Ma'am!

Queen: Melchy here hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously
       wealthy, you could pay for both!

Melchett: It would be awfully sweet of you.

Edmund: Yes, well, unfortunately, Ma'am, I'm in the middle of a cash-flow
        crisis and I just haven't got any money on me!

Queen: (looking down at him) But, Edmund...

Edmund: (realises that he's in the throne, expecting that this is what she
        is addressing him about) Sorry. (stands and moves across to his
        proper place)

Queen: ...what's that in your tights?  (points her figurine-moving stick
       at his groin)

Edmund: Oh, good lord. (he takes out a pouch)

Queen: It looks like ... just over a thousand pounds!

Edmund: So it is.

Queen: I thought you said you didn't have any.

Edmund: Oh, I thought you meant *real* money. This is just a bit of loose
        change. I must have left it in my codpiece when I sent these tights
        to the laundry.

Queen: Gosh, a thousand pounds just loose in your tights... That *is* flash!
       OK, hand it over. (he does) Thanks. 'bye. (turns back to the map,
       making whistles and `boom' noises as she plays with the figurines)

Edmund: Well, goodbye indeed. (backs out of the room slowly) 'bye, Ma'am.
        Goodbye, Melchett. Goodbye, Nursie. Byeee... (shuts the doors)

[Melchett peeks between doors to make sure he's gone; all crack up once more;
Melchett falls to the floor; Nursie claps her hands; Queen falls onto
Melchett; Nursie goes to her knees]

Queen: Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled! That was a brilliant
       joke, Melchy!

Melchett: Brilliant, Ma'am!

Queen: (serious suddenly) And now I'm going to have you executed. (stands)

Melchett: (stammering) Majesty?

Queen: It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
       I'm gonna knock your block off.

Melchett: (begging) But, Majesty, I only intended to please! Oh, please!
          I so want to live!!!

[Queen slowly breaks into laughter]

Nursie: Ooh! (slaps Queen's hand)

Melchett: Ah! (laughs forcedly)

[Nursie falls over; Queen falls onto her]

Melchett: (still faking a laugh, but obviously rather frightened and angry)
          Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!


        [Edmund rushes into his living room]

Edmund: Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.

Baldrick: Why, My Lord?

Edmund: To avoid these monks, of course!

Baldrick: No point -- the Black Bank's got branches everywhere.

Edmund: Oh damn! (falls to the floor) If I die, Baldrick, do you think people
        would remember me?

Baldrick: (stepping over Edmund as he continues packing) Yeah, of course they
          would.

Edmund: Yes, I suppose so.

Baldrick: Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders
          and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Privy-breath?"

Edmund: Do people call me `Privy-breath'?

Baldrick: Yeah, the ones who like you.

Edmund: Am I then not popular?

Baldrick: Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in what dogs have left
          in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund."

Edmund: (stands) Bloody cheek! I'll show them.

Baldrick: What, have you got a plan, My Lord?

Edmund: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with
        it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some
        sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait
        painter in England.

Baldrick: I'll get them right away, My Lord! (rushes out)


        [later, enter Baldrick and painter]

Baldrick: My Lord, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.

Edmund: Right, are you any good?

Leonardo: (turns away, speaks in silly Italian accent) No! I am ... a genius!

Edmund: Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!

[Leonardo sticks out his tongue; there's pounding on the front door]

Edmund: Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door.

Baldrick: My Lord.

[Baldrick and Leonardo leave; Edmund shuts the door behind them and then
sits down, puts his feet up, and begins reading a book.  Baldrick flies
through the door, again quite literally, and lies on the floor with the
shrapnel.]

Baldrick: My Lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

Bishop: (enters) The time has come, Blackadder!

Edmund: Oh, hello, Bish.

Bishop: The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.

Edmund: You enjoy your work, don't you?

Bishop: Bits of it, yeah.

Edmund: The violent bits.

Bishop: Yes. (begins massaging Edmund's shoulders) You see, I am a colossal
        pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal,
        vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything.

Edmund: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out
        for a change on social issues.

Bishop: Have you got the money?

Edmund: Nope.

Bishop: Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder.
        (holds out the hot poker) IT'S POKER TIME!!!

Edmund: Fine. (closes the book and sets it down, then stands) Are you ever
        concerned that people might find you out?

Bishop: No. No, no, I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is
        concerned my only vice is a little tibble before Evensong. (Baldrick
        hands him a drink) Oh, thank you. (drinks) BEND OVER, BLACKADDER!

[Edmund complies]

Bishop: THIS IS WHERE YOU GET-- (staggers backward, choking) DRUGGED BY GOD!

Edmund: No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.


        [in bedroom; Edmund pulls open a curtain, behind which Bishop
         lies in bed]

Edmund: Wakey, wakey, Bish. Dear me, you clerics really are sluggerbeds.

Bishop: (groggy) Where am I? I remember...drugged...

Edmund: That's right.

Bishop: You should have killed me while you had the chance. (sits up)
        You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!

Edmund: Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who
        saw this might think.

[Baldrick stands nearby, holding a portrait]

Bishop: Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those?

Edmund: They make an interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably
        recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, eh, Fatso?

[Bishop charges toward the portrait, but Edmund pushes him back to the bed]

Edmund: There's no point, anyway; we have the peliminary sketches. We'll
        soon bang off a couple of copies. Let's see, one for the Queen, one
        for the Archbishop, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis
        of an exciting exhibition of a challenging young artist's work.

Bishop: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?

Edmund: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? which is ironic, really,
        because that's exactly what's happened to you.

Bishop: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded
        perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

Edmund: No, I could never get used to the underwear.

[Bishop nods in apprehension]

Edmund: What I could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred pounds to buy
        back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses,
        ten shillings for the two doors, and let's say throppence for a
        celebratory slapper binge at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop...  (last bit
        said to Baldrick)

[Baldrick smiles and nods]

Bishop: Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who
        could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower
        than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation
        just in order to save your filthy life?!!!

[From beneath the covers, Percy wakes and sits up.  He is dressed in red
leather with chains and assorted items.]

Edmund: Ah, Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
        Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.

Percy: (speaks weakly) Hello. (shakes Bishop's hand) It was lovely working
       with you.

        [As the theme music plays, the bard dances down the path.  Edmund
         walks a short distance behind, and puts his hands on his hips as
         he looks back at the camera.  Edmund then walks again toward the
         bard, who then continues moving down the path.  Edmund motions for
         him to stop, but he doesn't.  Edmund begins to trot as the bard
         dances around to behind the fountain.  Edmund begins to jog as
         the bard dances down the path further.  Edmund runs, but the bard
         still eludes him as he half dances, half runs down the path, into
         the distance.]

Edmund Blackadder                       Take heed the moral of this tale
ROWAN ATKINSON                         Be not a borrower or lender

Lord Percy                              And if your finances do fail
TIM McINNERNY                          Make sure your banker's not a bender

Baldrick                                Blackadder, Blackadder
TONY ROBINSON                          He trusted in the Church

Queen Elizabeth I                       Blackadder, Blackadder
MIRANDA RICHARDSON                     It left him in the lurch

Lord Melchett                           Blackadder, Blackadder
STEPHEN FRY                            His life was almost done

Nursie                                  Blackadder, Blackadder
PATSY BYRNE                            Who gives a toss?  No-one.

Bishop of Bath & Wells
RONALD LACEY

Mollie
CASSIE STUART

Mrs. Pants
LESLEY NICOL

Arthur the Sailor
JOHN PIERCE JONES

Mad Beggar
TONY AITKEN

Leonardo Acropolis
PHILIP POPE

Messenger
PIERS IBBOTSON

Mr. Pants
BARRY CRAINE


Music by
HOWARD GOODALL

Graphic Designer
GRAHAM KERN

Properties Buyer
MONICA BOGGUST

Costume Designer
ANNIE HARDINGE

Make-Up Designer
VICKY POCOCK

Production Assistant
AMITA LOCHAB

Assistant Floor Manager
SARAH GOWERS

Vision Mixer
HEATHER GILDER

Senior Camerman
JOHN DAILLEY

Videotape Editor
CHRIS WADSWORTH

Studio Lighting
DON BABBAGE

Studio Sound
NEIL SADWICK

Technical Co-Ordinator
RAY HIDER

Production Manager
PRUE SAENGER

Designer
ANTONY THORPE


Director
MANDIE FLETCHER


Producer
JOHN LLOYD

(C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.


T h e   E n d