Blackadder II, Episode 5 - Beer

Black Adder II, Episode 5

Beer

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        [Edmund's house.  Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are
         eating breakfast.]

Percy:  I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your
        breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

Edmund:  Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and
         intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may
         rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy:  Yes, I've heard that.

Edmund:  Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead
         to remind me I'm best.

Percy:  Beshrew me, Edmund!  You're in good fooling this morning.

Edmund:  Don't say `beshrew me', Percy -- only stupid actors say `beshrew me'.

Percy:  Oh, how I would love to be an actor!  I had a great talent for it in
        my youth -- I was the man of a thousand faces.

Edmund:  How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
         [He begins reading a note.]

Percy:  Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.

Edmund:  ...and don't say `tush', either!  It's only a short step from `tush'
         to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'm afraid, I'll shall have to call
         the police.
         [Looks at the note once more.]
         Well!  God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy, Edmund!"

Percy:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two most fanatical
         puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.

Percy:  But aren't they the most frightful bores?

Edmund:  Yep, but they have one great redeeming feature -- their wallets.
         More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult
         to get your hands on...at least until now, for, tonight, they wish
         to discuss my inheritance.  [runs his fingers through his hair]

Percy:  [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  [calls] Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his head which is dangling
         a piece of cheese from the end of his nose.  Edmund begins to speak
         about something, then notices.]

Edmund:  [calmly]  Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end
         of your nose?

Baldrick:  To catch mice, My Lord.  I lie on the floor with my mouth open
           and hope they scurry in.

Edmund:  ...and do they?

Baldrick:  Not yet, My Lord.

Edmund:  Well, I'm not surprised -- your breath comes straight from Satan's
         bottom, Baldrick.  The only sort of mouse you're going to catch is
         one without a nose.

Baldrick:  That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

Edmund:  Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy
         and I must eat tonight.  We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk,
         Balders; and that means no meat.

Baldrick:  In that case, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.

Edmund:  and the surprise is...?

Baldrick:  ...there's nothing else in it except the turnip.

Edmund:  So, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be...a turnip.

Baldrick:  [realisation]  Oh yeah...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Get the door, Baldrick, get the door...

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Percy:  Well, now, if things go as planned tonight, it seems congratulations
        are in order...
        [he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]

Edmund:  Nice try, Percy, but forget it -- you're not getting a penny.
         [he goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room]

        [A tremendous noise of wood being bent and broken fills the room.
         Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]

Edmund:  [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]
         Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about
         to give phenomenally good.

Baldrick:  You said, "Get the door."

Edmund:  Not good enough.  You're fired.

Baldrick:  But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Edmund:  So has syphilis.  Now get out.

Baldrick:  [obscured by laughter], My Lord.  [starts to leave but returns]
           Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door.
           He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.

Edmund:  [stands up excited]  Really...!

Baldrick:  Yeah -- he's at Death's door.

Edmund:  Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and
         open it for him, then!


        [Scene changes to a large room.  Melchett is lying on a bed with
         a hand on his head.  Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her
         hand.  Nursie pushes on Melchett's stomach.  Edmund enters.]

Queen:  Edmund!  Quick! Quick!  Melchett's dying!  We must do something!

Edmund:  Well, yes, of course... er, some sort of celebration...
         But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it, shall we?

Queen:  Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working...

Nursie:  Come on, little tummy...

Queen:  [goes across the room, to speak privately with Edmund]
        It all started last night at about two o'clock.  I was tucked
        into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when
        I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.

Edmund:  [grins at the double entendre]  Well! I never knew he had it in him.

Queen:  It's true, I promise!  He was banging on the castle gate, falling
        over, and singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something
        called a...dicky-di-do?

Edmund:  Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hymn, isn't it...  [returns to the bed]
         Well, Ma'am, I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett,
         and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.

Queen:  Well, hurry up and cure the horrible man -- I'm fed up with him lying
        there moaning and groaning...

Nursie:  ...and letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs!
         One can scarcely...one can't believe one's tiny nosy!

Edmund:  The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.

Melchett:  [sitting up]  Madam, I protest!  I may be a little delicate this
           morning, but what I drank last night would have floored a
           rhinocerous!

Edmund:  ...if it was allergic to lemonade...

Melchett:  It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale -- he's famous for it!

Edmund:  Oh yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Edmund:  Yeah?

Melchett:  Yeah!

Queen:  Oh, [???] this is so exciting -- the boys are getting tough!

Melchett:  Well, I'm sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the
           visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering
           naked among the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'm Merlin,
           The Happy Pig!"

Edmund:  So, what did you have last night, then? a whole half-pint of
         potato juice?

Melchett:  On the contrary! I had two flagons of claret and a double helping
           of curried turtle!  I can assure you: it's no holds barred with
           us at the annual communion-wine tasting.

Edmund:  Annual! Hah!  For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking
         night!

Melchett:  Says who?

Edmund:  Says me!

Melchett:  Says you?

Edmund:  Yeah!

Melchett:  [expecting that Edmund is bragging]  eeaaaahh...

Edmund:  You ought to come around sometime and have a look at the
         underside of >my< table!

Melchett:  Bah...

Queen:  ...tonight!!!

Melchett:  [suddenly in his senses, speaks feebly]  Er, tonight?

Edmund:  [not in his senses]  Yeah! Come on, Melchy -- what are you
         scared of?

Queen:  Perhaps you're right.  [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????].

Melchett:  Oh, all right then -- tonight.  I'll be there.

Queen:  Hurray.  and last one under the table gets...ten thousand florins
        from the loser.

Edmund:  [shocked]  Ma'am...?  Er... right...  Well, I'll get the beer in,
         then.  [bows, puts a thumb to his nose and wiggles his fingers at
         Melchett.  Leaves]

Queen:  [Stands at the door]  Nursie...

Nursie:  Hmm?  [goes to speak privately with Queen]

Queen:  [whispering]  Do you know what I'm going to do?

Nursie:  What?

Queen:  I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these
        boys' nights.

Nursie:  Good idea, poppet.

Queen:  ...and I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me.

Nursie:  Oh, that's another good idea.  You're so clever today, you better
         be careful your foot doesn't fall off.

Queen:  Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
        Your foot falls off?

Nursie:  It certainly does.  My brother, he had this brilliant idea of
         cutting his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off...


        [Scene changes to Edmund's house.  Percy has quill in hand, taking
         notes for Edmund, who paces the room.]

Edmund:  Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive
         drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the
         sexual sophistication of a donkey.

Percy:  [thinks]  Cardinal Woolsey...  [writes]

Edmund:  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters, but his apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Why?

Baldrick:  I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord.  I thought I'd try
           cat for variety.

Edmund:  Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Do you have
         a knife?

Baldrick:  Yeah.

Edmund:  Good, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations,
         and, to make them look particularly tough, I wish to write them
         in blood -- your blood, to be precise.

Baldrick:  So, how much blood will you actually be requiring, My Lord?

Edmund:  Oh, nothing much -- just a small puddle.

Baldrick:  Will you want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for
           instance?

Edmund:  Oh, good lord, no -- a little prick should do.

Baldrick:  Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his
           knife down his trousers and begins sawing]

Edmund:  For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!

Baldrick:  [nearly crying]  I haven't got one there!

Edmund:  Forget it, forget it...  [motions for Baldrick to leave]

Baldrick:  Thank you, My Lord.  [leaves]

Edmund:  Right, now; Perce... How's this list going?

Percy:  Oh, very well indeed.  I thought we could invite my girlfriend,
        Gwendoline...

Edmund:  Sorry -- no chicks.  Who else?

Percy:  Well, that's about as far as I'd got, actually.

Edmund:  Right.  I'll dictate.  First: Simon Partridge.

Percy:  Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich...!

Edmund:  Even he...

Percy:  But he's a fearful oik!

Edmund:  Takes one to know one, Perce.  Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.

Percy:  Here's-To-The-Health-Of-Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?

Edmund:  The very same...  and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent
         Hermit of Lindisfarne.

Percy:  [holds his nose]  Oh, paugh paugh!

Edmund:  Right. That should do the trick.

Percy:  Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who'll be coming
        anyway...

Edmund:  Oh y--  ...oh, no...


        [Scene changes to the throne room.  Queen is on the throne, Nursie
         is in her normal chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund
         is kneeled on one knee before Queen.]

Queen:  I must say, Edmund, it does look a teeny bit like trying to get
        out of it.

Edmund:  [frantic]  Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am.  I just want to
         make it another night, that's all.

Nursie:  Certainly not!

Queen:  I beg your pardon...?

Nursie:  Well, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it?  Next thing,
         he'll be trying to get out of having his bath altogether.

        [Edmund is quite confused.]

Queen:  He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.

Nursie:  Well, he should be!  How else is he going to keep clean?
         Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed!

Queen:  Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.

Nursie:  Well, in that case, it's even more important that he has a bath!

Queen:  [tired of the interruptions]  Oh, shut up, Nursie.
        [to Edmund]  I know why you want to get out of it, because I
        remember the last time you had a party -- I found you face-down
        in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

Edmund:  [stands]  Yes, all right! All right!  Tonight it is.

Queen:  [smiles, a bit turned on]  Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get
        cross.  Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the
        expression on your face.

        [Edmund grins uneasily.]


        [Scene changes to the room in Edmund's house to the right after
         entering through the main door.  Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.
         Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.]

Edmund:  Right, now; let's make sure you've got this.  We are having two
         parties here tonight...

Baldrick:  Right.

Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  ...and they must be kept completely separate.

Baldrick & Percy:  Right.

Edmund:  Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture
         and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick:  Oh, thank you very much, My Lord!  [Percy pats him on the shoulder
           in congratulations]

        [Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous
         house scenes have taken place).]

Edmund:  Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating.
         Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

        [Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

Baldrick:  Yes, it is, My Lord.

Edmund:  Then what is so funny?

Percy:  Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip
        Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was
        exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

        [Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

Edmund:  [not amused]  ...a thingy...

Baldrick:  ...a great big thingy!  It was terrific.

Edmund:  Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.  Most horses are very
         well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive
         lovers.  I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

Baldrick:  Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

Edmund:  Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance
         than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy:  Absolutely, Edmund.  ...but it was jolly funny!  [laughs more]

Edmund:  Yes, yes, yes...

Baldrick:  I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got
           a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund:  Yes, all right...

Baldrick:  I'm quite [?] at parties...

Edmund:  [not interested]  are you...

Baldrick:  Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

Edmund:  What fun...  Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having
         a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten
         thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick:  Oh dear...

Edmund:  What do you mean?

Baldrick:  Well, firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins; and,
           thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face
           and start singing that song about the goblin.

Edmund:  That's nonsense.  ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

Baldrick:  [to Percy]  It is true -- I saw it!

Edmund:  Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true...
         So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale,
         you must pass me water in an ale bottle.  Have you got that?

Baldrick:  Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water.

Edmund:  Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy:  [tries to act suave]  Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to
        handle a woman.

Edmund:  Oh god...

        [There is a knock at the door.]

Edmund:  Right, here goes...

        [Edmund goes to the front door.  Baldrick brushes Edmund's clothing
         for a moment.]

Edmund:  [motioning for Baldrick to stop]  It's all right...

        [Baldrick opens the closet door and tosses the brush in.
         Edmund opens the front door.  Aunt and Uncle's clothing is
         all white, with a large cross around the neck, a cross sticking
         out of each shoulder, and a white helmet with a cross sticking
         out the top.]

Edmund:  Uncle! Aunt!  Greetings!  How nice it is to see you.
         [He leans over and kisses Aunt on each cheek.]

Aunt:  [slaps Edmund twice]  Wicked child!!!  Don't lie!  Everyone hates us,
       and you know it!

Edmund:  Oh yes.  Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy...?

Percy:  [suave]  Well well well, Eddy!  You didn't tell me you had
        such a good-looking aunt!

        [Edmund waves at him to shut up.  Aunt is shocked.]

Percy:  Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!  I know what I like,
        and I like what I see!

Aunt:  [slaps Percy]  Be gone, Satan!  [heads to the main room]

Edmund:  Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
         Did I say `inheritance'?  I meant `journey'.
         [motions around the table]  If you'd just like to help yourself
         to a legacy -- er, a chair...

Aunt:  `Chair'?  You have chairs in your house?

Edmund:  Oh, yes.

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Chairs are an invention of Satan!
       In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

Edmund:  ...and yourself...?

Aunt:  I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.

Edmund:  Well, quite.

Aunt:  I will suffer comfort this once -- we shall just have to stick
       forks in our legs between courses.  [sits]  I trust you remember
       we eat no meat...?  [Uncle, off-camera, has sat too.]

Edmund:  Heaven forbid, no!  [Goes to sit at the end of the table;
         Percy sits at the other end]  Here, we feast only on God's
         lovely turnip -- mashed.

Aunt:  [stands suddenly]  Mashed?!

Edmund:  Yes...

Aunt:  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Mashing is also the work of
       Beelzebub -- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it
       and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.

Edmund:  Ah.

Aunt:  I shall have my turnip as God intended.  [sits]

Edmund:  Fine.  [calls]  Baldrick!

        [Baldrick enters.]

Baldrick:  My Lord...?

Edmund:  Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?

Baldrick:  Well, we've only got the one that--

Edmund:  [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his servant
         to Aunt and Uncle]  Just do it, thank you.

        [Baldrick leaves.]

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as
         God intended?

Aunt:  He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence.
       [Uncle looks quite unhappy]  I believe that silence is golden.

        [Edmund begins to say something like "Oh, I see" but decides it's
         better to be golden.  Aunt gives him an approving look.]

        [Pause]

        [Edmund, still not wanting to speak, but also wanting to get to the
         topic he wants to talk about, clears his thoat, making the word
         `inheritance' as he does so.]

        [There is a noisy knock on the front door.]

Aunt:  Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests...?

Edmund:  Oh, certainly not!

Aunt:  Good -- for where there are other guests there are people to
       fornicate with!

Edmund:  Well, quite.

        [More knocking on the front door.]

Edmund:  I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.  [motions over to
         Percy]  Lord Percy...  [leaves]

Percy:  Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence...
        Now, that's quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it.

        [In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false
         breasts over his clothing, then goes to the front door and opens
         it.  Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,
         also wearing false breasts over their clothing.  Monk wears a hat
         with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship
         on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't
         describe -- like a May pole.  They sing.]

        "Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday to you!
         Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby!
         Happy Birthday to you!"

        [In the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to make of it;
         Percy is unable to think of an explanation.]

Edmund:  [loudly so Aunt can hear]  But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon!

        [In the main room, Aunt nods and smiles.  Percy is relieved.]

        [Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.]

Edmund:  Well, well, get stuck in, boys.

Partridge:  `Stuck in'! Way-hey! Get it?

Monk:  No...  [Piddle doesn't, either]

Partridge:  Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it!  `Stuck >in<'!

        [The boozers laugh, as there's a knock at the front door.]

Edmund:  Er, sorry -- back in a tick.  [leaves]

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads?  Now; that sounds a bit rude,
            doesn't it...  That sounds a bit like `bum'.

        [They laugh.]

        [Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door.  Melchett enters.]

Edmund:  Ah, Melchett -- late, I see, to avoid the early drinking.
         Oh, Melchy, you really are a beginner -- you're not even
         wearing a pair of comedy breasts!

Melchett:  [opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts]
           Au contraire, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious
         drinking, shall we?

Melchett:  [has moved to the door of the main room]  In here?

Edmund:  Er, no, no, it's this way.  [shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom]
         Here we are.

        [As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
         backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.]

Melchett:  Good evening, er...

Edmund:  Lads, this is Lord Melchett.

        [They cheer.]

Edmund:  Er, give him a large one, will you?

Partridge:  `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it?

Piddle:  No...

Partridge:  Yes you do!  `Large one'!  Sounds a bit rude!

Piddle:  Oh yes!  `Large one'!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first,
         Melchy, but you'll soon get used to it.  Well, er, [taking a mug
         and raising it] down the hatch!

        [The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the
         closet.  He goes to the door of the main room, about to remove
         the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door.  In the
         main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the table.  Edmund
         opens the front door.  Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak, and
         tries to disguise her voice.]

Queen:  I heard there was a party on.

Edmund:  [not knowing who it is]  No. Yes, there are two, and you are
         invited to neither.  [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks]

Queen:  I'm a friend of Lord Percy.

Edmund:  Oh, you must be Gwendoline!  You were invited anyway.  Come in, do.

Queen:  Thank you very much.  [enters]

Edmund:  It's in here...  [opens the closet door, pushes Queen in, closes the
         closet door and locks it]

        [Edmund enters the main room again at last, but has forgotten about
         his false breasts.]

Edmund:  I'm sorry about that.  [obscured by laughter]  [sits]

Percy:  [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund]
        agh... agh...aaagh!

Edmund:  [to Uncle]  Sorry, he's sick -- leprosy...of the brain.

Aunt:  That, or what he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be
       wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!

Edmund:  [looks down at the breasts, double-takes]  Oh my god -- my earmuffs
         have fallen down!  [puts the breasts over his head so they cover
         his ears]  It's getting, er, would you like a pair?  It is getting
         rather cold... [??]

Aunt:  No thank you!  Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more catholics!

Edmund:  Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

Aunt:  [stands up]  Don't call me `Aunty'!!!  [slaps him twice]
       `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex,
       and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.  [sits]

Edmund:  ...or, indeed, any table.

Percy:  ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have
         fallen off your chair.

        [Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped
         turnip]

Edmund:  Now then, what was I saying?  [sees the turnip and speaks without
         a pause]  Oh my god...

Baldrick:  [to Aunt]  Your turnip, My Lady...

Aunt:  [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide]
       Very good! Very good!  [bites into it, then points it at Uncle,
       and speaks to him]  You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back
       to our wedding night.

        [Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.  Baldrick has left.]

Aunt:  [to Edmund]  We had raw turnips that night.

        [Drunken cheering is heard.]

Aunt:  What was that?

Edmund:  What was what?

Aunt:  That noise.

Edmund:  Noise?  [turns his head and lifts a breast off an ear]
         Did you hear a noise, Percy?

Percy:  No...

Edmund:  Good.

Percy:  ...apart from that colossal drunken roar.

Edmund:  [kicks Percy off his chair]  Oh, >that< noise -- it's the
         catholics next door, I'm afraid.

Aunt:  [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise]

Edmund:  Er, but, I'll, I'll just go and burn them.  Back in a minute.
         [stands]  Percy...  [leaves]

        [In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's false breasts, and fits a
         false nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit.  As
         Edmund goes down the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet.
         He opens the closet door.]

Edmund:  Yes?

Queen:  I'm suffocating!

Edmund:  [still not knowing who it is]  Well, thank God you knocked.  [takes
         her out of the closet]  Come on, now, now, take a deep breath.
         [she does]  ...and another...  [she does]  Better?

Queen:  Yes.

Edmund:  Good.  [pushes her back into the closet, and closes the door again]

        [Back in the main room, Percy still tries to be good company.]

Percy:  Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics: they do have
        natural rhythm!  [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]

        [In Baldrick's bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing
         false noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge's is coming
         out the side of his head.]

Melchett:  I notice you're not drinking, Blackadder...

Edmund:  Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers -- I'm holding my own here.

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Holding my own'!  Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude!

        [The boozers laugh.]

Edmund:  Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.

Melchett:  [standing]  Er, Blackadder, it doesn't explain why you're not
           drinking with us.

Edmund:  Ah yes, no, that's what I actually came to talk to you about,
         you see.  What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute
         silence to get some really serious drinking in?

        [The boozers cheer, then realise that that's noisy, so they all go
         `shh!' rather messily.]

Edmund:  Yes... I said, "Please give me silence" -- not "drench me with
         dribble."

Melchett:  [hands Edmund a silver goblet]  Well, now, here's a nice glass
           of cider.

Edmund:  Oh, only cider?  I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!

        [The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.]

        [Edmund enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses
         the cider in.  Queen shrieks upon getting wet.  Edmund removes his
         false nose and breasts, heading for the main room.  In Baldrick's
         bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers and Melchett are sitting down
         like in a rowboat.  A barrel of something bursts open.  Edmund
         enters the main room once again.]

Edmund:  So, how are we all going, then?

Aunt:  Not well.  Let us discuss your inheritance.

Edmund:  [has sat]  Ah, yes, good.  Erm, a little drink, first?

Aunt:  [stands]  Drink?!  [slaps him twice]  Wicked child!!!  Drink is
       urine for the last leper in Hell!

Edmund:  Oh, no, no -- this is only water.  This is a house of simple purity.

        [Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions.  He rushes to the
         fireplace and vomits, then turns and begins to leave.]

Monk:  Great booze-up, Edmund!  [farts, leaves]

        [pause]

Aunt:  Do you know that man?

Edmund:  [looks behind himself as though he didn't really see]  No...

Aunt:  He called you `Edmund'...

Edmund:  Oh, >know< >him<...oh, yes, I do.

Aunt:  Then can you explain what he meant by `great booze-up'?

Edmund:  [thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks
          ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ...
           ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks ... ... ... thinks]

         Yes, I can...  My friend...is...a missionary...and...on his last
         visit abroad...brought back with him...the chief of a famous
         tribe...  >His< name is Great Bu...  He's been suffering from
         sleeping sickness...and he has obviously just woken...because, as
         you heard, "Great Bu's up"...

Percy:  [almost passing out from holding his breath]  Well done, Edmund...

Edmund:  ...and I think I'd better just go and visit him...  [stands]
         Perce, over to you...  [leaves]

Percy:  Yes...  How about some sort of game?  Er, how about a couple of
        frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove?  [he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction,
        which is not seen on camera]

        [Edmund re-enters Baldrick's bedroom.  Piddle has a cardinal's
         hat in his hand (for the aformentioned Cardinal Chunder routine).]

Melchett:  [climbing off the floor]  Blackadder! You challenged me to a
           drinking competition earlier today, and I haven't seen you touch
           a drop!

Edmund:  Nonsense!

Melchett:  It's true!  You, you twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing.
           I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me `Susan' if it
           isn't so.

Edmund:  Fine, all right.  [opens the door, calls out]  Baldrick, fetch my
         Incredibly Strong Ale...!

Monk:  Good god!  Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema...?

Edmund:  Pah! -- a drink for schoolgirls...

Partridge:  Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy...?

Edmund:  No -- it is Blackadder's Bowel Basher!

        [Baldrick enters with a pitcher and glass.]

Edmund:  ...a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a concrete elephant!
         ...is it not, Baldrick?

Baldrick:  Nah, it's water.

Melchett:  WHAT?

        [Partridge growls]

Edmund:  Eh, heh heh... No, but seriously, Baldrick -- and presuming you wish
         to see another dawn...

Baldrick:  You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord...?

Edmund:  [trying to show off]  Yes, that's right.

Baldrick:  Oh, that's a relief; I thought I'd made a mistake.

Edmund:  Ah.

        [Baldrick begins to pour the water in the glass.  Being a glass and
         not a metal mug like all the others have, everyone can see that the
         liquid is water -- particularly when Baldrick spills some.]

Piddle:  [standing, shouts]  My god! He's right!  It >is< water!

        [Edmund kicks Baldrick in the shin.]

Monk:  Come on, lads -- let's give him a >real< drink!  [he gives a pitcher
       to Edmund]

Edmund:  Well, fine...

Monk:  Bums up!

Partridge:  Way-hey! `Bums'!  Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it?

Melchett:  Drink, Blackadder!  Drink!

        [Edmund begins to drink...]

        [42 Seconds Later]

        [In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt.  Edmund enters, with the
         cardinal hat on his head and the ostrich feather sticking out of
         the back of his tights.  His speech is slurred.]

Edmund:  Percy, I've lost the bet.

Aunt:  Edmund! Explain yourself!

Edmund:  I can't -- not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,
         Aunty...  Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!
         ...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like:
         "See the little goblin, see his little--

Aunt:  I mean explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are
       grinning inanely, and [sees the feather as Edmund turns around and
       falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the
       door] ...why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your
       britches!

Edmund:  I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder;
         I have an ostrich feather up my bottom [Percy nods and mouths
         Edmund's words, having heard this before] because Mr Ostrich put it
         there to keep in the little pixies -- hah hah! -- and I'm grinning
         inanely because I think I've just about succeeded in conning you
         and your daft husband out of a whopping great inheritance -- hee hee
         hee hee hee!

Aunt:  [shouting]  Is that right?  May I remind you, cursed creature [raises
       her hand to slap him, but he's too far away, so slaps Percy instead],
       that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.

Edmund:  Oh, yes -- damn.  Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.

Aunt:  Not mentioning farts was also a condition.

Edmund:  Shove off, you old trout!

Aunt:  How dare you speak to my husband like that!  [Uncle is surprised at
       this remark]  Nathaniel, we're leaving!

        [Uncle stands and walks out.]

Aunt:  [turns to Percy]  and you...

Percy:  [frightened]  Yes?

Aunt:  Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile?

Percy:  [as though it goes without saying]  Oh, yes...

Aunt:  Good.  [stands, leaves, slamming the door]

Edmund:  Good riddance, you old witch!

        [There's a knock on the room door.]

Edmund:  Whoops -- she's forgotten her broomstick.

        [The door opens, and Uncle leans in.]

Uncle:  Look, er... [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him]
        I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.  Yes, first rate,
        all round... [looks toward Percy] ...particularly your jester.

        [Percy looks behind himself, confused, trying to find this jester.]

Uncle:  Oh, and, by the way, I loved the turnip -- very funny!
        >Exactly< the same shape...as a thingy!  [leaves]

        [Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.]

Aunt:  Good god!!!  [raises the large cross that she wears around her neck]

Partridge:  Well, look who it is!!!

Piddle:  Who is it?

Partridge:  Well, it's a boys' party; she's a girl, so she must be
            the stripper!

        [The boozers and Melchett cheer.  Aunt raises the cross even higher.]

        [Meanwhile, back in the main room...]

Percy:  Oh, no... Don't get too depressed, Edmund...  I mean, money
        isn't everything...  Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely
        smiles on little babies' faces... [he tries to make such a smile]

Edmund:  Be quiet, Percy...

        [In the hallway, Uncle opens the closet door, and motions to Aunt.]

Uncle:  This way!

        [Aunt and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out.  The boozers
         enter the hallway from Baldrick's bedroom.]

Partridge:  Whoa!  Another stripper!

        [Uncle comes out.]

Piddle:  ...and a male stripper!

        [The boozers cheer.  Uncle goes back into the closet.]

Monk:  [removing Queen's cloak]  Oh, yes, this is much more like it!

        [There's a pause while they see Queen in her royal dress]

Partridge:  ...and she's come dressed as the Queen!

Piddle:  Oh!! Sex-y!!! [does a little pelvic dance in front on Queen]

Queen:  Do you know who I am!

        [Edmund comes out from the main room.  Percy is behind him.]

Edmund:  Yes! >I< know who you are!

[Piddle?]:  Who?

Edmund:  You're Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!

        [The boozers cheer.]

Queen:  Wrong, I'm afraid.  I >am< the Queen of England.

        [Everyone slowly and clumsily (save Percy) falls to their knees.]

Queen:  I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the
        heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!

Partridge:  Prove it!

Queen:  I certainly will...!  [she grabs a mug]  First I'm going to have
        a little drinky, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally
        lot of you.  [drinks]


        [Dawn The Next Day]

Edmund:  [singing]  "See the little goblin, see his little feet /
                     And his little nosy-wose -- isn't the goblin sweet?"

        [Everyone -- even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here -- shouts "Yes!"
         Some of them aren't wearing their own hats any more.  Percy has
         Uncle's helmet on, for instance.  Others have hats previously
         unseen.]

Edmund:  "See the little goblin--

Queen:  Er, wait a minute...  I'm sure there was something very important
        I had to do to all of you this morning.

        [Everyone -- including Queen -- giggles at the possibilities.]

Melchett:  I remember something about ten thousand florins...? was it...?
           or...?

Uncle:  I think it was something about an inheritance.

Edmund:  Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?

        [Everyone cheers "Yes!"]

Edmund:  Right! Well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue,
         and perhaps finish, with any luck...

        [Suddenly, from under Queen's dress, Aunt emerges.]

Aunt:  `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Way-hey! Get it?

        [Everyone says, "No..."]

Aunt:  Oh, come on!  `Luck'!  Sounds almost exactly like `f--

        [Ending music and credits.  Edmund comes into view with a stick.
         He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,
         hoping to hit the balladeer.  He goes far beyond the fountain.
         On the last line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close
         to the camera view, then goes off-shot again.  Edmund sees him,
         and runs down the lane as fast as he can, stick raised in the air...]


        ` ` B l a c k  -
             a d d e r  I I ' '

        Edmund Blackadder               Blackadder couldn't hold his beer
         ROWAN ATKINSON                 The art of boozing he'd not mastered
                                        And I, your merry balladeer
        Lord Percy                      Am also well and truly plastered
         TIM McINNERNY
                                        Blackadder! Blackadder!
        Baldrick                        A bit like Robin Hood
         TONY ROBINSON                  Blackadder! Blackadder!
                                        But nothing like as good
        Queen Elizabeth I
         MIRANDA RICHARDSON             Blackadd*hic*! Blackadd*hic*!
                                        I thought that he had died
        Lord Melchett                   Blackadder! Blackadder!
         STEPHEN FRY                    Our writers must have lied

        Nursie
         PATSY BYRNE

        Lady Whiteadder
         MIRIAM MARGOLYES

        Simon Partridge
         HUGH LAURIE

        Geoffrey Piddle
         ROGER BLAKE

        Monk
         WILLIAM HOOTKINS

        Lord Whiteadder
         DANIEL THORNDIKE



        Music by
         HOWARD GOODALL

        Graphic Designer
         GRAHAM KERN

        Properties Buyer
         MONICA BOGGUST


        Costume Designer
         ANNIE HARDINGE

        Make-up Designer
         VICKY POCOCK


        Production Assistant
         AMITA LOCHAB

        Assistant Floor Manager
         SARAH GOWERS


        Vision Mixer
         HEATHER GILDER

        Senior Camerman
         RON GREEN

        Videotape Editor
         CHRIS WADSWORTH


        Studio Lighting
         DON BABBAGE

        Studio Sound
         NEIL SADWICK

        Technical Co-Ordinator
         RAY HIDER


        Production Manager
         PRUE SAENGER


        Designer
         ANTONY THORPE



        Director
         MANDIE FLETCHER



        Producer
         JOHN LLOYD

        (C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.


        T h e   E n d

Blackadder II, Episode 4 - Money

Black Adder II, Episode 4

Money

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        [In Edmund's bedroom, Edmund is asleep. Beside his head is a pair
         of feet. The owner of the feet is named Mollie.]

[knock at door]

Edmund: Go away.

Baldrick: (standing at open doorway) My Lord, there is someone at the door
          to see you.

Edmund: (wearily) Oh god. What time is it?

Baldrick: Four o'clock.

Edmund: Baldrick, I've told you before: you mustn't let me sleep all day;
        this woman charges by the hour.

Baldrick: No, My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Edmund: Someone wants to see me at four in the morning? What is he, a giant
        lark?

Baldrick: No, he's a priest.

Edmund: Tell him I'm jewish.

Mollie: (pushing herself out from beneath the covers at the foot of the bed)
        Aren't you going to introduce me, then?

Edmund: What?

Mollie: Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

Edmund: Oh very well, but I think you're making a terrible mistake. Baldrick,
        I'm delighted to introduce you to ... I'm sorry, I've forgotten your
        name.

Mollie: Mollie!

Edmund: Of course, Mollie. Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.

Mollie: I'm not dear. I'm very reasonable actually, Baldrick. Most girls
        would charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants
        to do.

Edmund: Alright, alright. Baldrick, this is Mollie, an inexpensive prostitute.
        Mollie, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant. Now let me get some
        sleep.

Baldrick: Well, what about this priest?

Edmund: Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here, and what's more, if
        he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of
        Bath and Wells, who drowns babies at their christening and eats them
        in the vestry afterwards.

Baldrick: Yes, My Lord.

Mollie: (sweetly) Bye, Baldrick!

Baldrick: (just as so) Bye bye, Mollie!

Edmund: Get out; go on! (Baldrick leaves) You're a one, aren't you? When you
        should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness me,
        something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view
        between the sheets," you don't say a word, but enter the Creature
        From The Black Latrine and you won't stop jabbering.

Mollie: He was treating me like a human being.

Edmund: Look, if I had wanted a lecture on the rights of Man, I would have
        gone to bed with Martin Luther.

[Baldrick flies through the door, literally, and remains lying on the floor
with door fragments.]

Edmund: (he had just put his head down, and remains so with his eyes closed)
        Yes, what is it, Baldrick?

Baldrick: It's that priest. He says he still wants to see you.

Edmund: And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

Baldrick: I did, My Lord.

Edmund: And what did he say?

Bishop: (enters; shouts) He said, "I *am* the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and
        Wells!"

Edmund: (sits up with a start) Good lord!

Bishop: You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder.

Edmund: No, no, I'm not married.

Bishop: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.
        Do you know what day it is today?

Edmund: Er...

Bishop: It was exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black
        Monks of St. Herod -- "Banking with a smile and a stab" -- of which
        I am the assistant manager, lent you one thousand pounds. (kneels
        down to be face-to-face with Edmund, who begins cowering) Our motto
        is "Repayment or Revenge."

Edmund: Of course, and naturally I'd have paid you back, but -- and this is
        the real bugger -- I've gone and lost my wallet. Has that ever
        happened to you? Disasterous! It had all my things in it: all those
        little notes saying "Forget ye not" and, of course, all my money!

Bishop: That's no concern of mine. The debt is now due. Failure to pay back
        a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we HATE SIN!

[Bishop lifts up the sheets, revealing that Edmund -- dressed in a brief
black loincloth -- is in bed with Mollie.]

Edmund: Ah. Erm, Your Grace, may introduce my mother ...  Mother, this is--

Bishop: (recognises Mollie) Good morning, my dear! (sits on the bed) I hope
        you haven't forgotten our appointment.

Mollie: (sweetly) Of course not, Pumpy!

Bishop: You know, I have a mind, my pretty, to play "Nuns and Novices," so
        don't forget your wimple.

Mollie: OK!

Bishop: (to Edmund) And, as for you, you come with me.

Edmund: (stands) Where?

Bishop: To visit the last poor fool who (draws his sword) LOST HIS WALLET!
        (hits Edmund's bare buttocks with sword; Edmund runs out)


        [at graveyard; a mad beggar is dancing around (the same one whom
         Edmund chases in the final credits of each episode).]

Edmund: (reading over a tombstone) "William Greeves: born 1513 in Chelshood
        with the love of Christ; died 1563 in ... agony with a spike up his
        bottom."

Beggar: (comes behind Edmund) Ah! 'Tis ever (in sown uncle?) with the Black
        Monks! (fondles the tombstone) Oh! Screamed, did he -- scream and
        gurgle as they skewered his catflap for once of a farthing!

Bishop: I think you get my message.

Edmund: (stands; the beggar grabs onto his leg; he tries to shake him off as
        he speaks) Erm, yes, yes indeed. But, tell me, Bishop, let me just
        test the water here, so to speak. Erm, supposing I was to say to you
        something like, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she'd
        be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so
        why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"

Bishop: I would say, firstly, "The Queen would not believe you," and,
        secondly, (draws a hot poker) "You'll regret calling me `Fatso',
        later today!"

Edmund: Ah.

Bishop: I will have my money by Evensong tonight or ...
        YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!  (exits)

Beggar: (letting go of Edmund's leg finally, stands) Oh! Poor Tom's cold!
        Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver, and
        HE'S MAD! (waving his arms quite dramatically)

Edmund: Oh shut up! (pushes the beggar into an open grave)


        (at Edmund's home)

Edmund: So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.
        Either I raise a thousand pounds by this evening, or I get murdered.
        What should I do?

Baldrick: It's obvious.

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: You'll have to get murdered. You'll never raise that sort of money.

Percy: (looks up from his book, waves his handkerchief about, chuckling)
       Oh, come now, Baldrick. A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund,
       and damn his impudence.

Edmund: I haven't got a thousand, dunghead! I've got 85 quid in the whole
        world! (holds up a small bag)

Percy: But you're always boasting to the Queen about how wealthy you are.

Edmund: Ah, a cunning web of deceit, subtly spun about the court to improve
        my standing, unfortunately.

Percy: (stands) What, do you mean you've been ... fibbing?

Edmund: (sits in chair by the door) Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of
        whoppers. I consider myself one of England's finest liars. (looks out
        the door) Oh, my god, Percy! A giant hummingbird is about to eat your
        hat and cloak!

Percy: Oh no! (runs out)

Edmund: (to Baldrick) You see? I'm terrific at it.

Percy: (comes back) It seems to have gone now. Well, couldn't you just dip
       into the family fortune?

Edmund: There isn't one. My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur
        dramatics. At the end, he was eking out of a living doing
        humourous impressions of Anne of Cleeves.

Percy: (sympathetic) Oh, Edmund, I am sorry -- I had no idea. But do not
       despair, for I have some small savings carefully harvested from my
       weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps,
       it is just over a thousand, methinks, and has for years has been
       hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...

Edmund and Percy: ...under the squeaky floorboard...

Baldrick, Edmund and Percy: ...behind the kitchen dresser.

Percy: (smiles, slightly warily) You've seen it!

Edmund: Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And same goes for the two farthings
        Baldrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato.

Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!

Percy: Then you are doomed. Alas. For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet
       (sits on the floor) and tell sad stories.

Edmund: Certainly not! When Lord Blackadder is in trouble, he does not sit
        about.

Baldrick: You won't be able to sit about with a spike up your bottom.

Edmund: Well, exactly. (sits at his desk) But still, I've got 85 quid and
        that's a start. I'm sure I'll think of something, as long as I'm not
        disturbed.

[a messenger enters]

Messenger: My Lord, the Queen dost demand your urget presence on pain
           of death.

Edmund: Oh god! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's
        own Satanic herd!


        [Edmund walks briskly up the hall and enters court.]

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me...

Queen: (playing chess with Melchett) Did I? I don't remember.
       What a naughty scatterbrain I am! (makes a move on the
       chess board) Zap! (takes off one of Melchett's pieces)

Edmund: Well, perhaps, Ma'am, if I might be allowed to withdraw, I have one
        or two tiny matters to attend to.

Queen: Certainly.

[Edmund bows, turns, and opens the doors. Melchett, Queen and Nursie break
into laughter. Edmund turns back.]

Queen: That was a terrific joke, wasn't it?

Melchett: Oh, magnificent!

Nursie: And so naughty!

Edmund: What, My Lady?

Queen: I do know why I wanted to see you, and I just pretended I didn't,
       and I fooled you. And it worked brilliantly, didn't it!

Edmund: It was terrific, Madam. I thank God I wore my corset, because
        I think my sides have split. So why *did* you want to see me?

Queen: To crack the lovely joke.

Melchett: Or perhaps, Blackadder, you don't think the Queen's jokes are
          funny enough for you to be troubled with.

Edmund: Au contraire. I'm ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't
        laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head would've
        fallen off.

Queen: If you don't start soon, your head *will* fall off! (all laugh) Now
       pay Melchy his 85 pounds and run along.

[Melchett, sitting on the floor, his back to Edmund, holds out his hand.]

Edmund: 85 pounds?

Queen: We had a bet. I said that you wouldn't fall for my trick, and Melchy
       said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid. So you owe
       him 85 pounds.

Edmund: Fine, fine. I mean, it's only money, isn't it! (gives it to Melchett)


        [Edmund's house, in hallway. Baldrick is sweeping the floor.
         Edmund enters.]

Edmund: I can *not* believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to
        Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal
        Woolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of
        the passage pretending to be a door.

[Baldrick giggles]

Edmund: Oh, shut up, Baldrick -- you'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

Percy: (rushes out of the living room) Edmund, oh Edmund, I've awaited your
        return! (hugs him)

Edmund: And thank God you did, for I was just thinking, "My god! I die in 12
        hours. What I really need now is a hug from a complete prat!"
        (enters the living room)

Percy: But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear dear
       friend.

Edmund: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about me?

Percy: (giggles) Not bad, Edmund. That's a good one.

Edmund: Oh, alright, then. (sits) What's your big plan, blockhead?

Percy: I intend to discover, this very afternoon, the secret of alchemy --
       the hidden art of turning base things into gold.

Edmund: I see, and the fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent
        people since the dawn of time doesn't dampen your spirits at all.

Percy: Oh no; I like a challenge! (exits, as Baldrick pours a drink)

Edmund: Well, Balders, I lost the 85 quid. The grave opens up before me
        like a ... big hole in the ground.

Baldrick: (gives the cup to Edmund) Well, I did have one idea, My Lord,
          but ... nah, it's stupid, you wouldn't... (turns to leave)

Edmund: What is it?

Baldrick: (turns back) Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down
          the docks, doing favours for sailors.

Edmund: Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons --
        that kind of thing?

Baldrick: Erm, not quite.

Edmund: (starts to stand) Baldrick!

Baldrick: My Lord?

Edmund: Are you suggesting that I become a rent boy?

Baldrick: Well, good-looking bloke like you, posh accent, nice legs -- you
          can make a (bomb?). Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and,
          er, make the old sign.

Edmund: I'd rather die.

Baldrick: Oh, fair enough, that's all right, then. I'll just put the kettle
          on while we wait, shall I? (turns to leave)

Edmund: (reaches out and grabs Baldrick's shoulder, turning him round)
        On second thought, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid
        plan might just work.


        [at docks, Baldrick is dressed in Edmund's clothes. His hat has
         a pink carnation in it, and he holds a sign reading "GET -IT- HERE."
         He bounces seductively as a burly sailor named Arthur strides up.]

Arthur: Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.

Edmund: (comes from round the corner) A penny?!

Arthur: Well, alright then -- tuppence!

Edmund: Oh, all right, go on. (disappears behind the corner)

Arthur: Nothing fancy. Just a peck. I miss my mum, you see. When I a little
        kid, my mother always used to come up--

Edmund: (appears) Look, get a move on! He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!

Arthur: Go on, please! Just a little peck on the cheek, and say, "There
        there, Arthur -- Mummy'll kiss it better, and you shall have a
        story."

Edmund: Well, I don't know. Do you do requests, Baldrick?

Baldrick: What, kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.

Arthur: Oh, go on, please! (crying) I miss my mother so much. I mean, she
        was like a mother to me!

Edmund: Well, alright, go on, Baldrick. (disappears)

Baldrick: (starts to reach up to Arthur's cheek, but pauses) I've forgotten
          what I'm supposed to say.

[Arthur cries]

Edmund: (appears, fed up) Get out of the way; I'll do it. (takes the sign)
        There there, Arthur (*smooch*). Mummy kiss it better, and you shall
        have a story.

Arthur: (excited) What kind of a story?

Edmund: Well, I don't know ... one about a squirrel, I suppose.

        [some time later]

Edmund: ...and then Squirry the Squirrel went...

Arthur and Baldrick: (everyone has their arms around each other)
                     ..."Neep neep neep!"...

Edmund: ...and they all went home for tea.

Arthur: Ah, thanks very much, me ol' shivering mateys! That was wonderful.
        (turns to Edmund) Now then, how much do you charge for a good
        hard shag?

Edmund: (nervous) A thousand pounds.

Arthur: A thousand pounds? You've got to be joking!

Edmund: Well, I'm sure we could negotiate. (tosses the sign to Baldrick)

[Arthur smiles at Baldrick]


        [back at Edmund's house]

Edmund: Right, so we've got sixpence.

Baldrick: Yeah, now all we need to do, My Lord, is to go down the cockfights
          and put it on a bird that's a dead cert but has got odds of forty
          thousand to one.

Edmund: Know you of such a bird?

Baldrick: No. But we could make one.

Edmund: No we couldn't, Baldrick. Oh god, I suppose you have to be told
        sometime. Sit down. What happens is: a mummy bird and a daddy bird
        who love each other very much get certain urges...

Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. What I mean is: we could get a mad wild killer
          bull, and disguise it as a bird, but it'll be such a strange-looking
          bird that no-one will back it, but we'll know it's a killer bull so
          we'll put money on it.

Edmund: Only we will know.

Baldrick: Yeah -- if we stick enough feathers on it and hang an egg between
          its legs.

Edmund: Yes, alright, alright, Baldrick. A chat with you and somehow death
        loses its sting.

Messenger: (enters) My Lord, the Queen dost demand your presence on pain of
           death.

Edmund: You're not making any friends here, you do know that, don't you,
        messenger!


        [Edmund runs up the hall and enters court.]

Edmund: Madam, you sent for me again.

Queen: Yes, Edmund. I wanted to apologise for the silly trick I played on you.

Edmund: Ah.

Queen: It was naughty and bad of me.

Nursie: It was, my little rosebud. If you weren't quite so big, it'd be
        time for Mr. and Mrs. Spank to pay a short sharp trip to Bottyland.

Queen: Thank you, Nursie. And thank you, Edmund.

Edmund: That's all...

Queen: Yes. Thanks for coming. (extends her hand to him vertically (to shake))

[Edmund quickly turns and opens the doors; court party cracks up as before.]

Queen: That was very funny too, wasn't it?

Edmund: My Lady?

Queen: Dragging you all the way across town again just to say sorry for
       dragging you all the way across town the first time! (stops laughing)
       It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?

Edmund: It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the
        world's greatest living comedian. (bows)

Queen: Oh, you are super, Edmund. Oh, Edmund, erm, I promised Lord Melchett
       that I would play [Sharp?] Halfpenny with him, but we have no coin.
       Do you have a halfpenny?

Edmund: Unfortunately, only a sixpence, Ma'am. What a shame!

Queen: Oh, no -- a sixpence will do just as well. (holds out her hand)

Edmund: Oh, good! (hands it over)


        [back home, Edmund enters the hallway, which is full of smoke]

Edmund: Oh god, this place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the
        Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

Percy: (rushes out the living room, dirtied) My Lord! Success!

Edmund: What?

Percy: (drags Edmund into the living room) After literally an hour's
       ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold. PURE GOLD!

Edmund: Are you sure?

Percy: Yes, My Lord! Behold! (uncovers the top; their faces get bathed in
       green light)

Edmund: Percy, it's green.

Percy: That's right, My Lord.

Edmund: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour
        of gold is gold -- that's why it's called gold. What you have dis-
        covered, if it has a name, is some green.

Percy: (stupefied; picks up the green) Oh, Edmund, can it be true? that I
       hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green?

Edmund: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not only a nugget as
        it is more of a splat.

Percy: Well, yes, a splat today, but tomorrow, who knows? or dares to dream!

Edmund: So we three alone in all the world can create the finest green
        at will.

Percy: Thus so! (whispers) I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.

Edmund: Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,
        Percy.

Percy: (smiles) Perhaps, My Lord.

Edmund: That you, Percy -- Lord Percy -- are an utter berk!  Baldrick!

Baldrick: My Lord?

Edmund: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.

Baldrick and Percy: (shocked) What?

Edmund: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I
        know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been
        out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick,
        go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder
        wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.


        [Later, Edmund shows his place to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Pants]

Edmund: (coming in) ...and this is the den.

Mrs: (looks around) Ooh, dear.

Edmund: But I have to tell you, Mr. Pants, that I've had an extremely
        encouraging nibble from another client, and I think you know me
        well enough to know that I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble
        for long.

Mrs: I noticed some dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.

Edmund: Well, Mrs. Pants, dry rot is what dry rot does. (to Mr. Pants) Stop
        me if I'm getting too technical.

[Mr. Pants starts to speak, but is interrupted.]

Mrs: And the floor (??) is a little uneven.

Edmund: Indeed yes, Madam, and at no extra cost!

Mrs: Strange smell.

Edmund: Yes, that's the servant; he'll be gone.

Mr: You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?

Edmund: No, not really. This is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's
        called `wit'.

Mrs: What about the privies?

Edmund: When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the
        sewage, he said to himself, "Romeo," -- for 'twas his name -- "Romeo,
        let's make them functional, and comfortable."

Mr: Oh, well, that seems nice, doesn't it, Dear!

Edmund: I think we understand each other, sir. So it's sold, then. (goes to
        a pot and pours into a cup) Drink?

Mrs: (insistent for a real answer) What about the privies?

Edmund: (doesn't give away either of the two cups he holds) Well, what we're
        talking about in, erm, privy terms is the very latest in front-wall,
        fresh-air orifices, combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation
        below.

Mrs: You mean you crap out of the window.

Edmund: Yes!

Mrs: Well! In that case, we'll *definitely* take it! (takes a cup from Edmund)
     I can't stand those dirty indoor things.


        [later, Edmund counts the money]

Edmund: There, that's the lot. He only wanted to pay a thousand, but I
        managed to beat him up to eleven hundred.

Percy: Oh, Edmund, you wily old trickster, you!

Edmund: Oh, credit where credit's due -- I just named the price; it was
        Baldrick who actually beat him up.

[Percy nods]

Edmund: Percy, what is that on the front of your tunic?

Percy: Ah! 'tis a brooch, My Lord -- a brooch cunningly fashioned from
       pure green.

Edmund: It looks like you've sneezed.

Percy: It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring, that I
       intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!

Edmund: You think there's a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?

Percy: (upset) My Lord!

Edmund: The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since
        departed, hasn't he, Perce.

Messenger: (enters) My Lord--

Edmund: Ah, messenger, thank God you came. Percy and I could not have waited
        another second without you.


        [Edmund sprints up the hall and enters court, where the trio is
         hunched over a war map]

Edmund: Majesty!

Queen: Thank God you've arrived -- terrible news!

Edmund: What?

Melchett: The French intend to invade, Blackadder.

Edmund: My god!

Queen: So I need some money.

[Edmund, fearing the worst, falls down into the throne]

Melchett: Yes, every nobleman must pay 500 pounds towards the upkeep of the
          navies.

Queen: But we've decided to make you a special case.

Edmund: (sitting up a bit) Oh, thank you, Ma'am!

Queen: Melchy here hasn't got a bean, so we thought, as you're so fabulously
       wealthy, you could pay for both!

Melchett: It would be awfully sweet of you.

Edmund: Yes, well, unfortunately, Ma'am, I'm in the middle of a cash-flow
        crisis and I just haven't got any money on me!

Queen: (looking down at him) But, Edmund...

Edmund: (realises that he's in the throne, expecting that this is what she
        is addressing him about) Sorry. (stands and moves across to his
        proper place)

Queen: ...what's that in your tights?  (points her figurine-moving stick
       at his groin)

Edmund: Oh, good lord. (he takes out a pouch)

Queen: It looks like ... just over a thousand pounds!

Edmund: So it is.

Queen: I thought you said you didn't have any.

Edmund: Oh, I thought you meant *real* money. This is just a bit of loose
        change. I must have left it in my codpiece when I sent these tights
        to the laundry.

Queen: Gosh, a thousand pounds just loose in your tights... That *is* flash!
       OK, hand it over. (he does) Thanks. 'bye. (turns back to the map,
       making whistles and `boom' noises as she plays with the figurines)

Edmund: Well, goodbye indeed. (backs out of the room slowly) 'bye, Ma'am.
        Goodbye, Melchett. Goodbye, Nursie. Byeee... (shuts the doors)

[Melchett peeks between doors to make sure he's gone; all crack up once more;
Melchett falls to the floor; Nursie claps her hands; Queen falls onto
Melchett; Nursie goes to her knees]

Queen: Silly old Edmund! He was completely fooled! That was a brilliant
       joke, Melchy!

Melchett: Brilliant, Ma'am!

Queen: (serious suddenly) And now I'm going to have you executed. (stands)

Melchett: (stammering) Majesty?

Queen: It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
       I'm gonna knock your block off.

Melchett: (begging) But, Majesty, I only intended to please! Oh, please!
          I so want to live!!!

[Queen slowly breaks into laughter]

Nursie: Ooh! (slaps Queen's hand)

Melchett: Ah! (laughs forcedly)

[Nursie falls over; Queen falls onto her]

Melchett: (still faking a laugh, but obviously rather frightened and angry)
          Praise the Lord for the gift of laughter!


        [Edmund rushes into his living room]

Edmund: Right, Balders, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.

Baldrick: Why, My Lord?

Edmund: To avoid these monks, of course!

Baldrick: No point -- the Black Bank's got branches everywhere.

Edmund: Oh damn! (falls to the floor) If I die, Baldrick, do you think people
        would remember me?

Baldrick: (stepping over Edmund as he continues packing) Yeah, of course they
          would.

Edmund: Yes, I suppose so.

Baldrick: Yeah. People would always be slapping each other on the shoulders
          and laughing, and saying "Do you remember old Privy-breath?"

Edmund: Do people call me `Privy-breath'?

Baldrick: Yeah, the ones who like you.

Edmund: Am I then not popular?

Baldrick: Erm, well, put it this way: when people slip in what dogs have left
          in the street, they do tend to say "Whoops, I've trod on an Edmund."

Edmund: (stands) Bloody cheek! I'll show them.

Baldrick: What, have you got a plan, My Lord?

Edmund: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with
        it! All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some
        sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute and the best portrait
        painter in England.

Baldrick: I'll get them right away, My Lord! (rushes out)


        [later, enter Baldrick and painter]

Baldrick: My Lord, the most famous painter in England: Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.

Edmund: Right, are you any good?

Leonardo: (turns away, speaks in silly Italian accent) No! I am ... a genius!

Edmund: Well, you'd better be, or you're dead!

[Leonardo sticks out his tongue; there's pounding on the front door]

Edmund: Right, in the bedroom, Beardface. Baldrick, get the door.

Baldrick: My Lord.

[Baldrick and Leonardo leave; Edmund shuts the door behind them and then
sits down, puts his feet up, and begins reading a book.  Baldrick flies
through the door, again quite literally, and lies on the floor with the
shrapnel.]

Baldrick: My Lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.

Bishop: (enters) The time has come, Blackadder!

Edmund: Oh, hello, Bish.

Bishop: The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.

Edmund: You enjoy your work, don't you?

Bishop: Bits of it, yeah.

Edmund: The violent bits.

Bishop: Yes. (begins massaging Edmund's shoulders) You see, I am a colossal
        pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal,
        vegetable or mineral -- I'll do anything to anything.

Edmund: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out
        for a change on social issues.

Bishop: Have you got the money?

Edmund: Nope.

Bishop: Good. I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder.
        (holds out the hot poker) IT'S POKER TIME!!!

Edmund: Fine. (closes the book and sets it down, then stands) Are you ever
        concerned that people might find you out?

Bishop: No. No, no, I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is
        concerned my only vice is a little tibble before Evensong. (Baldrick
        hands him a drink) Oh, thank you. (drinks) BEND OVER, BLACKADDER!

[Edmund complies]

Bishop: THIS IS WHERE YOU GET-- (staggers backward, choking) DRUGGED BY GOD!

Edmund: No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.


        [in bedroom; Edmund pulls open a curtain, behind which Bishop
         lies in bed]

Edmund: Wakey, wakey, Bish. Dear me, you clerics really are sluggerbeds.

Bishop: (groggy) Where am I? I remember...drugged...

Edmund: That's right.

Bishop: You should have killed me while you had the chance. (sits up)
        You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Blackadder!

Edmund: Well, I'm not sure about that. I did wonder, though, what people who
        saw this might think.

[Baldrick stands nearby, holding a portrait]

Bishop: Heavens above, what creatures from Hell are those?

Edmund: They make an interesting couple, don't they? I think you probably
        recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here, eh, Fatso?

[Bishop charges toward the portrait, but Edmund pushes him back to the bed]

Edmund: There's no point, anyway; we have the peliminary sketches. We'll
        soon bang off a couple of copies. Let's see, one for the Queen, one
        for the Archbishop, a couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis
        of an exciting exhibition of a challenging young artist's work.

Bishop: By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?

Edmund: It's beautifully framed, don't you think? which is ironic, really,
        because that's exactly what's happened to you.

Bishop: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded
        perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

Edmund: No, I could never get used to the underwear.

[Bishop nods in apprehension]

Edmund: What I could use, though, is, let's say eleven hundred pounds to buy
        back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses,
        ten shillings for the two doors, and let's say throppence for a
        celebratory slapper binge at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop...  (last bit
        said to Baldrick)

[Baldrick smiles and nods]

Bishop: Yes, yes, but first, one question: Who is this second figure? Who
        could you have got to have performed such deeds, to have gone lower
        than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation
        just in order to save your filthy life?!!!

[From beneath the covers, Percy wakes and sits up.  He is dressed in red
leather with chains and assorted items.]

Edmund: Ah, Percy, may I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
        Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, Heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.

Percy: (speaks weakly) Hello. (shakes Bishop's hand) It was lovely working
       with you.

        [As the theme music plays, the bard dances down the path.  Edmund
         walks a short distance behind, and puts his hands on his hips as
         he looks back at the camera.  Edmund then walks again toward the
         bard, who then continues moving down the path.  Edmund motions for
         him to stop, but he doesn't.  Edmund begins to trot as the bard
         dances around to behind the fountain.  Edmund begins to jog as
         the bard dances down the path further.  Edmund runs, but the bard
         still eludes him as he half dances, half runs down the path, into
         the distance.]

Edmund Blackadder                       Take heed the moral of this tale
ROWAN ATKINSON                         Be not a borrower or lender

Lord Percy                              And if your finances do fail
TIM McINNERNY                          Make sure your banker's not a bender

Baldrick                                Blackadder, Blackadder
TONY ROBINSON                          He trusted in the Church

Queen Elizabeth I                       Blackadder, Blackadder
MIRANDA RICHARDSON                     It left him in the lurch

Lord Melchett                           Blackadder, Blackadder
STEPHEN FRY                            His life was almost done

Nursie                                  Blackadder, Blackadder
PATSY BYRNE                            Who gives a toss?  No-one.

Bishop of Bath & Wells
RONALD LACEY

Mollie
CASSIE STUART

Mrs. Pants
LESLEY NICOL

Arthur the Sailor
JOHN PIERCE JONES

Mad Beggar
TONY AITKEN

Leonardo Acropolis
PHILIP POPE

Messenger
PIERS IBBOTSON

Mr. Pants
BARRY CRAINE


Music by
HOWARD GOODALL

Graphic Designer
GRAHAM KERN

Properties Buyer
MONICA BOGGUST

Costume Designer
ANNIE HARDINGE

Make-Up Designer
VICKY POCOCK

Production Assistant
AMITA LOCHAB

Assistant Floor Manager
SARAH GOWERS

Vision Mixer
HEATHER GILDER

Senior Camerman
JOHN DAILLEY

Videotape Editor
CHRIS WADSWORTH

Studio Lighting
DON BABBAGE

Studio Sound
NEIL SADWICK

Technical Co-Ordinator
RAY HIDER

Production Manager
PRUE SAENGER

Designer
ANTONY THORPE


Director
MANDIE FLETCHER


Producer
JOHN LLOYD

(C) BBC MCMLXXXV A.D.


T h e   E n d

Blackadder II, Episode 3 - Potato

Black Adder II, Episode 3

Potato

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Blackadder's house. Enter Percy wearing a matching red outfit and hat -
 with antlers. The outfit is covered in bells which ring as he walks.
 Sounds of a celebration are heard outside]

Percy:          Coming?

Blackadder:     Nope [offhandedly closing door on Percy]

Percy:          [re-entering] It will be a once in a lifetime experience.

Blackadder:     No it won't [closing the door with his foot. Percy
                makes a "wauh" noise as he is shoved out]

Percy:          [entering again, holding his nose] Everybody's going.

Blackadder:     Don't exaggerate, Percy. I'm not going, Mrs. Miggins
                from the pie shop isn't going...

Percy:          Oh, my lord, you are cruel; you know perfectly well that Mrs.
                Miggins is bedridden from the nose down [postures, with his
                hand on his hip] And besides, she is honoring the occasion
                in her own special way by baking a great commemorative pie,
                in the shape of an enormous pie!

Blackadder:     What an imagination that woman has. [The crowd's
                cheering swells outside]

Percy:          Oh, come on Edmund! The greatest explorer of our age is
                coming home. The streets have never been so gay! Women
                are laughing, children are singing... Oh look! [pointing out
                the window] there's a man being indecently assaulted by
                nine foreign sailors, and he's still got a smile on his face!

Blackadder:     Look, Percy, the return of Sir Walter "Ooh what a big
                ship I've got" Raleigh is a matter of supreme indifference
                to me.

Percy:          [leaning in towards him] Look, if you're not careful, all the
                children will dance about outside your window, singing
                "sourpuss" and "grumpy face", and you wouldn't want that,
                now would you?

Blackadder:     I believe I could survive it. Now, Percy, will you
                get out before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides,
                and give it to your mother as a vase?! [goes over to Percy,
                and, dragging him by his antlers, throws him out again. Slams
                door] What a clot. The most absurdly dressed creature
                in Christendom [enter Baldrick, wearing a "dung-gatherer's"
                version of same. The hat is brown with branches sticking
                off the top] (Pauses) With one exception.

Baldrick:       [looking up at him] My lord?

Blackadder:     Baldrick, you look like a deer.

Baldrick:       Thank you my lord. You look a bit of a ducky yourself.

Blackadder:     Oh God. [in disgust] What do you want?

Baldrick:       Well, I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?

Blackadder:     Of course not; who do you think you are, Watt Tyler?
                You can have the afternoon off when you DIE, not before.

Baldrick:       But I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home. Oh, dear sir,
                on a day like today I feel proud to be a member of the
                greatest kingdom in the world.

Blackadder:     And doubtless many other members of the animal kingdom
                feel the same way but - [crowd cheering rises again.
                Blackadder gestures threateningly at the window]
                Look, will you shut up?! Bloody explorers, ponce off
                to mumbo-jumbo-land, come home with a tropical disease,
                a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and, Bob's your uncle,
                everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory. I mean,
                what about the people that do all the work?

Baldrick:       The servants.

Blackadder:     No, me; *I'm* the people who do all the work. I mean *look*
                at this! [goes to a table at the side of the room and
                picks up a small brown thing and holds it up] *What* is it?

Baldrick:       Oh, I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.

Blackadder:     I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question.

Baldrick:       [looking at him] No, it's a potato.

Blackadder:     To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato. But to
                Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh it's country estates, fine carriages,
                and as many girls as his tongue can cope with. He's making
                a fortune out of the things; people are smoking them,
                building houses out of them... They'll be eating them next.
                [shoves it into Baldrick's chest; Baldrick takes it and looks
                at it]

Baldrick:       Stranger things have happened.

Blackadder:     Oh, exactly.

Baldrick:       [continues] That horse becoming Pope.

Blackadder:     The what? [Someone knocks on the door and Baldrick goes to
                answer it] Oh God. Probably some birk with a parrot on his
                shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his
                Golden beHind [A child is heard outside singing "sourpuss,
                grumpy face, sourpuss, grumpy face..."[Miranda Richardson,
                actually]. Edmund pulls out a bow, nocks an arrow and shoots.
                The singing stops with an abrupt "aah! Mummy..."]
                [Edmund shouts out the window] And another thing: why
                aren't you at school?

                [Melchett, followed by Baldrick comes in the room]

Melchett:       Blackadder, started talking to yourself I see.

Blackadder:     [Turning away from the window] Yes, it's the only way I can
                be sure of intelligent conversation. What do you want?

Melchett:       Well I just looked in on my way to the palace to welcome
                Sir Walter home; I wondered if you cared to accompany me.

Blackadder:     I don't think I'll bother, actually; three hours of
                bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of
                biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of a good time.

Melchett:       As you wish. [To Baldrick] Servant, my hat. [Baldrick leaves.
                Melchett holds out a box toward Blackadder] Potato?

Blackadder:     Thanks, I don't. [Melchett takes a bite of one]. I
                see you haven't succumbed to this fad of dressing up
                like half an allotment in Nottingham Forest. [Baldrick
                enters carrying Melchett's hat]

Baldrick:       There you go, my lord [hands Melchett his hat. It is
                decorated with not only antlers but feathers as well]

Blackadder:     -You have.

Melchett:       It's probably just as well you're not coming, Blackadder,
                you're not very popular at court at the moment, and the
                Queen and I have- [Blackadder interrupts him]

Blackadder:     -Yes, well I can probably leave this 'til tomorrow in fact.
                [over Melchett's protests "you needn't bother"]. No, no, I'll
                come with you; obviously the Queen and I will be the
                only ones even *vaguely* sensibly dressed. [follows
                Melchett out and slams the door behind him]

                --------------------

                [cut to the Queen, who is wearing an eyepatch and a
                 special matching crown(?). A knock is heard at the door]

Queen:          Who is it?

Melchett:       Melchy, Lady. [He tries to open the door]

Queen:          [keeping door closed with her hand] -But soft! Close your
                eyes! [She runs back to throne next to Nursie] Now enter!
                [He enters, hand draped melodramatically over eyes. Queen
                says:] Ahoy there, me shivering matey, heave-ho! [Seats
                herself]. Right, open your eyes.

Melchett:       Thank you, Majesty. And- [bows slightly, pretends to
                look around in puzzlement]

Queen:          [smiling widely but playing the innocent] Why, what's the
                matter, Melchy?

Melchett:       Well, I beg your pardon, my Lady. I was wanting to greet
                the gallant sailor who hallooed me as I came in [Queen
                squeals with delight] Perchance he has hauled anchor and
                sailed away. [Edmund is looking disgusted in the background]

Queen:          [slyly] No- it was me!

Melchett:       Majesty! Surely not!

Blackadder:     You utter creep. [Melchett gives him a condescending
                look and moves out of his way so the Queen can greet
                Edmund]  So. Where's this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavored,
                bilge-rat Sir rather-a-wally Raleigh then? I hear he's
                about as exciting as one of his potatoes.

Queen:          Blackadder's a frightful old lubber, eh Melchy?

Melchett:       Well indubitably no sea-dog, Ma'am. With a Yo-ho-ho
                and perhaps, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the
                bargain?

                [A high whistle sounds, like the now-hear-this in ST:TOS]

Queen:          It's him! Oh God, [picks up a hand mirror] do I look
                absolutely divine and regal and yet at the same time
                very pretty and rather accessible?

Melchett:       [bowing] You are every jolly jacktar's dream, Majesty.

Queen:          I thought as much. If he's really gorgeous, I'm thinking
                of marrying him.

Blackadder:     Ma'am, is that not a little rash?

Queen:          I don't think so.

Nursie:         It wouldn't be your first little rash if it was.

                [The whistle sounds again and Sir Walter enters
                 with a flourish and bows deeply and elaborately.
                 They all applaud him for his feats. Sir Walter
                 is played by Simon Jones, of "Arthur Dent" fame.
                 As if I have to tell you]

Sir Walter:     Majesty! [he sings out]

Queen:          Splice me timbers, Sir Walter, it's bucko to see you,
                old matey!

Sir Walter:     I'm sorry?

Blackadder:     [caustically] She says hello.

Sir Walter:     And well she might, for I have bought her gifts and
                dominions beyond her wildest dreams [taking off his
                hat and bowing with a flourish again]

Queen:          Are you sure? I have some pretty wild dreams, you know...
                I'm not sure what they mean, but the other day there was
                this enormous tree, and I was sitting right on top of it-

Melchett:       [warningly] Ma'am

Queen:          And then I dreamt once that I was a sausage roll-

Melchett:       Majesty-

Queen:          Sorry! So excited! Don't know what I'm saying. Oh- come on,
                Sir Walter, I want to hear about absolutely everything!

Sir Walter:     [launches into storytelling mode] Then, prepare to hear
                tales of terrible hardship, endurance and woe. [All settle]
                We set sail from Plymouth in the spring of 1552 [Edmund
                yawns quite audibly]

Queen:          [disparagingly] You remember Lord Blackadder...

Sir Walter:     [Nods] No. But I can see he is the sort of pasty
                landlubber I have always despised [All laugh except
                Edmund].

Queen:          Well, quite. [Angrily] Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund.

Sir Walter:     [continues] Twice, last week, I fought in hand to
                hand combat with a man with two heads and no body hair.
                I'll warrant, the most exciting thing that has happened
                to that limpid prawn in a whole year, was the day his
                servant forgot to put sugar in his porridge [Edmund
                smiles tensely as they all laugh at him]

Queen:          [to Sir Walter] Gosh, you've got nice legs.

Sir Walter:     [continuing on as if he hasn't heard] While I hold
                the six seas of the world in my hand, he couldn't
                even put six gob-stoppers in his mouth! [all laugh]

Queen:          He's a complete no-hoper, isn't he, Walt?

Sir Walter:     He certainly is. [more laughing. Queen stops and says:]

Queen:          My bedroom's just upstairs, you know.

Melchett:       I had heard, Sir Walter, that there were only[sic] seven seas.

Sir Walter:     Ah, only numerically speaking. We sailors do not count
                the sea around the Cape of Good Hope. It is called the
                Sea of Certain Death, and no sailor has crossed it alive.

Edmund:         [butts in] Well, well, well, what an extraordinary
                coincidence.

Queen:          What's an extraordinary coincidence? [not caring]

Edmund:         Oh, it's just I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good
                Hope, myself. I'm leaving a week on Thursday, I think.
                [Queen: "Really?"] Yes, and now that, erm - Sorry, I've
                forgotten your name- has returned and the whole court smells
                of fish, I've half a mind to set off this afternoon.

Sir Walter:     If you attempt that journey, you've no mind at all.

Edmund:         Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear.

Queen:          Is that true, Edmund? Do you know no fear?

Edmund:         Well, yes, I do rather laugh in the face of fear,
                tweak the nose of terror.

Queen:          Gosh, Edmund, I'd forgotten how dishy you are.

Sir Walter:     You'd never dare. Why, 'round the Cape, the rain
                beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!

Edmund:         So, some sort of hat is probably in order.

Sir Walter:     And great dragons leap from the water and swallow
                ships whole!

Edmund:         -I must remember to pack the larger of my two
                shrimping nets.

Queen:          Edmund, you are completely wonderful. If you do this,
                I'll probably marry you [All leave Sir Walter's side
                and go flank Blackadder]

Sir Walter:     Oh yes? And who will be your captain? Hmph! To my mind,
                there is only one seafarer with few enough marbles
                to attempt that journey.

Edmund:         Ah yes, and who is that?

Sir Walter:     Why, Rum, of course. Captain Redbeard Rum.

Edmund:         Well done. Just testing. And where would I find him on a
                Tuesday?

Sir Walter:     Well, if I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old
                Sea Dog.

Edmund:         Ah yes, and where is the Old Sea Dog?

Sir Walter:     Well, on Tuesdays he's normally in bed with the Captain.

                --------------------

                [cut to a table in a dark room. Rum [Tom Baker, but I
                 needn't tell you that] is sitting with his back against
                 a wall]

Rum:            Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaahrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrr. Me laddy.

Blackadder:     Ah-haah-ah, indeed. So, Rum, I wish to hire you and
                your ship. Can we shake on it? [holds out hand]

Rum:            aah-ahhh! [strokes his hand] You have a woman's hand, milord!
                I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor
                in a storm.

Blackadder:     Well, you're right there.

Rum:            Ha ha ha. -Aah! Your skin milord. I'll wager it ne'er
                felt the lash of a cat ['o' nine tails], been rubbed
                with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make
                fine stockings for his best cabin boy.

Blackadder:     How canny, I don't know how you do it, but you're right
                again.

Rum:            Why should I let a stupid cockerel like you aboard me boat?

Blackadder:     Perhaps for the money in my purse [holding it up]

Rum:            Ha. -Aah! You have a woman's purse! [takes it from him and
                examines it daintily] I'll wager that purse has never been
                used as a rowing-boat. I'll wager it's never had sixteen
                shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.

Blackadder:     Yes, right again, Rum. I must say when it comes to tales of
                courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut.

Rum:            Oh! You have a woman's mouth, milord! I'll wager that
                mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship
                to escape the dreadful spindly killer fish.

Blackadder:     I must say, when I came to see you, I had no idea I was going
                to have to eat your ship as well as hire it. And since you're
                clearly as mad as a mongoose I'll bid you farewell [gets up]

Rum:            Aaah, courtiers to the Queen, you're nothing but lapdogs to a
                slip of a girl.

Blackadder:     Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl", than a... Git.

Rum:            So you do have some spunk in you! Don't worry, laddie,
                I'll come, I'll come [holds out his hand]

Blackadder:     Well, let us set sail as soon as we can. [they shake]
                I will fetch my first mate, and then I'll return
                as fast as my legs will carry me.

Rum:            Ah! [pointing] You have a woman's legs, my lord! I'll
                wager those are legs that have never been sliced clean off
                by a falling sail, and swept into the sea before your
                very eyes.

Blackadder:     [crossly] Well, neither have yours.

Rum:            That's where you're wrong [throws aside table showing
                his lack of legs]

Blackadder:     Oh my God!

Rum:            No point in changing your mind now; no one else will
                come. The whole thing's suicide anyway. What's the
                first mate's name?

Blackadder:     Percy.

Rum:            A nautical cove?

Blackadder:     Yes! Well... He's a sort of wet fish.

                --------------------

                [cut to Percy and Baldrick in a room. Baldrick
                 is folding what appear to be sheets. Perhaps they are sails]

Percy:          [Petulantly]. I'm not coming. I'm just not coming.
                I mean, of course I'm very *keen* to go on the trip,
                it's just... unfortunately, uh... I've got an
                appointment.... to have my nostrils plucked... next year.

Baldrick:       Oh, I'm sorry, my lord. I thought it was because you
                were a complete coward.

Percy:          [sounding nervous] Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick...
                You know me, I mean... I- laugh in the face of fear,
                and- tweak the nose- of the- dreadful spindly killer fish.
                I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind
                by the mere sight of water. Gah! [backs away in fear as
                Baldrick holds out a goblet of water to his face] Yes, all
                right, I admit it, I admit it, I'm terrified! You see, Baldrick,
                when I was a baby, I was savaged by a turbot [flounder].
                Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a plan to get me out of
                this, can you?

Baldrick:       Uh, you can hide, my lord.

Percy:          Hide. Brilliant! Where? [They look around the room.
                The trunk the sheet came from is standing invitingly
                wide open]

Baldrick:       Um... [After a few minutes, Baldrick finally sees the box]
                In the box!

Percy:          Which one?! [Figures it out]. Ah - perfect! [Gets in the box]
                Let's practice. All right, Edmund comes in and says, "Hello,
                Baldrick. You haven't seen Percy, have you?" And you say...

Baldrick:       Uh. [Thinks hard] No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day.

Percy:          Brilliant! [They hear a door slam] Oh my God, here he comes!
                [Baldrick helps close the box lid on top of him]

                [Enter Blackadder. Baldrick is standing conspicuously in
                 the middle of the room next to the box]

Blackadder:     Oh, hello, Balders. Where the hell's that cretin Percy;
                you haven't seen him, have you? [Baldrick can't remember
                what he was supposed to say. He thinks about it. Finally,
                with an air of blustery triumph, he says]

Baldrick:       Yes, my lord! He's hiding on the box!

Blackadder:     [eyeing the box] Come on, jellybrain. Hurry up, otherwise
                we'll miss the tide! [kicks the box, in the manner of, "is
                there anybody home?!"]

                --------------------

                ["Oh, Edmund, I'm SO proud," we hear the pleased voice of
                 the Queen, "You're just my complete hero! Oh dear! I'm going
                 all gooey now." We see that Edmund has come to say goodbye
                 and the Queen has greeted him from her throne.]

Blackadder:     Ma'am, I move that if during my journey I could believe
                that occasionally you did spare me a thought and, perhaps,
                go gooey again, I would deem my certain death a minor
                inconvenience. [Melchett makes a face as if something smells]

Queen:          [gushy] Oh Ned... [proudly] I've written a poem!

Blackadder:     Madam, I'm honored!

Queen:          [Opens a folded piece of paper, clears throat].

                        When the night is dark,
                        and the dogs go bark;
                        When the clouds are black,
                        and the ducks go- quack;
                          [Melchy and Raleigh nod appreciatively]
                        When the sky is blue,
                        and the cows go- moo;
                          ["Oh, yes" Melchett smarms]
                        Think of lovely Queenie;
                        She'll be thinking of you.

                [Melchy and Raleigh mumble appreciations and applaud.
                 The Queen continues:]

                It's called, "Edmund." Shakespeare gave me a hand with
                the title, but the rest is all my own work!

Nursie:         Tush and fie, my tiddly. You didn't always make such
                pretty speeches [Queen makes yawning noises]
                'Tis but the twinkling of a toe since you could say
                nothing but, "Lizzie go plop, plop; Lizzie go plop, plop--"

Queen:          -[crossly] Oh, put a bung in it, Nursie. Now! I am sure Melchy
                and, uh- [pauses] Wally, want to say something as well.

"Wally":        Oh, yes indeed! [Crosses over gleefully to Edmund, and
                says with audible satisfaction] Goodbye, Blackadder.
                I'd say "Bon Voyage," but there's no point. You'll be
                dead in three months. [Pats him patronizingly on the shoulder]

Blackadder:     [equally patronizingly] I love you, Walter, I hope you know that

                [Melchett steps up to Blackadder]

Melchett:       Farewell, Blackadder [hands him a parchment]. The foremost
                cartographers of the land have prepared this for you; it's
                a map of the area that you'll be traversing. [Blackadder opens
                it up and sees it is blank] -They'll be very grateful if you
                could just fill it in as you go along. Bye-bye.

                [A hearty "arr-arr" is heard in the background]

Queen:          What's that? [Baldrick wheels Rum in on a wooden cart]

Rum:            To ?Tilbury? me hearties! The wind is in the sails,
                the oars are in the locks! And we must awaaayyy! [Gestures
                grandly with his hands]

Blackadder:     Lady, it is my captain. Long on beard, short on legs.

Queen:          Oh, Captain. I wish you luck, from the bottom of my heart.

Rum:            [Booming] You have a woman's bottom, my Lady! [Gets wheeled
                over to her]. I'll wager that sweet round pair of peaches
                has never been forced 'twixt two splintered planks, to plug
                a leak and save a ship!

Queen:          Certainly hasn't, and I'm quite pleased about it! Anyway,
                what's wrong with women's bottoms?

Rum:            Not big enough, Ma'am.

Nursie:         [Makes a noise of excitement] *Mine* might be!

Rum:            In that case, my little puddin' of delight, let's beat about
                the bush no longer. I know I'm only a bluff old cove with
                no legs and a beard you could lose a badger in, but if you'll
                take me, I'm willing to be captain of your ship, forever!
                What do you say?

Nursie:         [so thrilled she doesn't know what to do with herself]
                Yes, please!

Rum:            [As Baldrick wheels him out] I'll be back! We'll all be back!

Queen:          Edmund, then, this is it. Oh! [air-kisses his cheeks in a
                fake show of affection, then gets brisk and "motherly"]
                Have you got clean underwear? And don't eat foreign food.
                And watch out for strange men, and discover me a country,
                and bring me back a vegetable, and -oh- everything!

Blackadder:     Madam! I shall do all I can. Farewell! [He closes the
                doors behind them, then comes back] And- don't wait up.
                [Leaves again]

Queen:          [looking gushy, and probably covering Raleigh's missing
                his cue]  Gosh.

Sir Walter:     Well! That's the last we'll see of him. In three months' time
                he'll be dead as a [pauses and thinks] dead dodo.

Queen:          Oh, Sir Walter, Really! [Melchett thinks the pun was
                intentional and brays appreciatively]

                --------------------

                [The scene changes and we are on the ship with
                 Blackadder and company. Rum, then Blackadder, then
                 Baldrick take turns "aaarrr"- and "aaaha"-ing
                 like pirates. All look expectantly at Percy
                 but he does not follow suit]

Blackadder:     Not joining us in the "ha-ha"'s, Percy?

Percy:          [With visible disdain] No! [valiantly] I'm thinking of
                England and the girl I left behind me.

Blackadder:     [annoyed] Oh, God; I didn't know you had a girl.

Percy:          [getting all dreamy] Oh, yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.

Blackadder:     [surprised] Caroline! I didn't know you knew her.

Percy:          Oh, yes! I even touched her once.

Blackadder:     [puzzled] Touched her what?

Percy:          Uh, once. In the corridor.

Blackadder:     I've never heard it called *that* before [pauses and
                reflects]. Here- when you get home in six months, you'll
                be a hero. She might even let you get your hands on
                her twice.

Percy:          I fear not.

Blackadder:     Why not?

Percy:          Because we'll never get home. We're doomed, doomed!
                Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless-

Rum:            Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!

Percy:          -No, no. I mean you haven't got any legs.

Rum:            Oh, yes, you're right there. Carry on, sorry.

Percy:          [Moans wordlessly] We've got no hope. No hope of ever returning.

Blackadder:     On the contrary, we are certain to return!

Percy:          What?!

Blackadder:     Because, me old sods, we are not going to the Cape
                of Good Hope at all.

All:            WHAT?!!

Blackadder:     We are in fact going - to France!

All:            FRANCE!!!!  [Percy gets to his feet with the shock of the news]

Percy:          But, Edmund, surely France has already been discovered.
                [points at him] By the French for a start.

Blackadder:     Well, precisely; it's a trick. We just camp down in the
                ?Dardonnes? for six months, get a good suntan, come home,
                pretend we've been 'round the Cape, and get all the glory.

Percy and
  Baldrick:     Hooray!

Rum:            A masterly plan, me young master. And one that leads me
                to make an announcement meself.

Blackadder:     What's that, Rum?

Rum:            Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope
                anyway.

Blackadder:     Well, what were you going to do?

Rum:            Oh, what I usually do. Sail 'round and 'round the
                Isle of Wight 'til everyone gets dizzy. Then head for home.

Blackadder:     You old rascal. Still, who cares; the day after tomorrow
                we shall be in Calais. Captain, [stands and raises his glass]
                set sail for France!

                [All save Rum raise their glasses and toast, then
                 yell, "Hooray!"]

                [The screen blanks and two lines appear in a caption:]

                            The Day After
                        The Day After Tomorrow

                [The four are still sitting in the ship's galley, only
                 looking dejected instead of spirited]

Blackadder:     So. You Don't Know The Way To France, Either.

Rum:            No! I must confess that, too.

Blackadder:     [turns toward Percy and Baldrick as if he is going to
                announce his revised plan, and says:] Bugger!

                --------------------

                [Scene changes to Queen entering a room and Melchett
                 and Raleigh bowing]

Queen:          He's only been gone three days and I am missing him already.

Raleigh:        [smarmily] Well, perhaps Ma'am, I could amuse you still
                further with tales of my adventures.

Queen:          [menacingly] Like what?

Raleigh:        Perhaps you would like to hear the one about the mad
                pirate king, whose crew consisted entirely of men called
                Roger.

Queen:          [bored] Heard it.

Raleigh:        Oh. Maybe I could distract you with the tale of the time I
                fell into the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark.

Queen:          Yes. All right, try that one.

Raleigh:        Well, Ma'am. [with a flourish] I fell into the water.
                [pauses for suspense] and was almost eaten by a shark...
                And the funny thing is, its head was almost exactly the
                same shape as a hammer!

Queen:          [extremely annoyed] Ooh, God! You'd better come up with
                some presents, or I'm going to go off explorers completely!

Raleigh:        Ma'am?

Queen:          I'll tell you something else. Edmund was right. You do
                smell of fish. Pooey! [leaves in a huff]

                --------------------

                [change of scene: Rum, Blackadder, Baldrick and Percy
                 are sitting around a table in the galley, ostensibly
                 arguing about their plight. Tom Baker can be clearly
                 distinguished above the rest yelling "Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb!
                 while the rest are actually talking in a way that their
                 characters might]

Edmund:         Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will
                know how to steer this thing.

Rum:            The crew, milord?

Edmund:         Yes, the crew.

Rum:            What crew?

Edmund:         I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice
                for a ship to have a crew.

Rum:            Opinion is divided on the subject.

Edmund:         Oh, really? [starting to get the picture]

Rum:            Yahs. All the other captains say it is; I say it isn't.

Edmund:         Oh, God; Mad as a brush.

                --------------------

                [The scene blanks out and a caption appears:

                        "Six Months Later"

                 Melchett carries a rolled up parchment which he
                 presents to the Queen]

Melchett:       Sir Walter Raleigh's death warrant for your signature,
                Majesty.

Queen:          [with quill pen at the ready] Oh. Good. Any news of Edmund?

Melchett:       [smugly] Well, Madam, if they're on course, they should be
                nearing the urine-drinking stage by now.

Queen:          Don't be horrid, Melchy. Edmund would rather die!

Melchett:       I fear that may be wishful thinking, Majesty. [He blows
                the ink dry on Raleigh's death warrant]

                --------------------

                [scene change: Edmund is passed out or sleeping at the
                 galley table. A knock comes at the door]

Edmund:         Enter. [Baldrick and Percy come in, carrying bottles. Edmund
                sits up and we see he that his face is tired and drawn] So soon?

Percy:          You said today. [They set the bottles on the table]

Edmund:         Yes, well, I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment.
                I had an egg-cup full of stagnant water three weeks ago...
                Oh all right, come on, let's get on with it. [He stands up]

Baldrick:       Should we drink each other's or stick to our own?

Edmund:         Is Captain Rum joining us for this bring-a-sample party,
                or is he going to sit this one out?

Percy:          Oh no, he's been swigging his for ages. He says he likes it.
                Actually, come to think of it, he started before the water
                ran out.

Edmund:         Oh, God. [Resigned] Well, let's get on with it.

                [Caption appears,

                        "Ten Minutes Later"

                 Then, we see the three of them with their backs to
                 the camera and their hands apparently in front of them]

Edmund:         It's always the same, isn't it; you get all keyed up and
                then you can't go.

Baldrick:       I've done two bottles [He turns around and places two
                full bottles on the table]

Blackadder:     All right, then; pour it out. [Laments] That it should come
                to this, drinking Baldrick's water. [He holds out a mug and
                Baldrick begins to pour]

Baldrick:       Say when. [Blackadder says "When" almost immediately. Baldrick
                clinks bottles with Percy, in a toast, "Down the hatch". They
                raise the glasses and are about to drink]

Rum[offscreen]: Land Ahoy! [They stagger as the ship hits something]

Blackadder:     Ah! France at last!

Rum:            [pops his head in the galley window] No, me young master.
                Through fair winds and fine seamanship, our vessel is once more
                edged up on the shores of Old Blightey.

All:            Hooray!

Rum:            By lucky chance, we have landed at Southampton dock.

All:            Hooray!

Rum:            Fare thee well. The last one up the old sea dog gets a lick
                of the cat'! [He disappears again, and Baldrick goes to the
                window and looks out]

Baldrick:       Don't look much like Southampton to me, my lord.

Blackadder:     What?

Baldrick:       Well, those streams of molten lava and that steamy
                mangrove swamp. [Blackadder and Percy begin to look worried,
                and cross over to the window to look] And that crowd of
                beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and pointing to
                a large pot.

Blackadder:     [rolling eyes] Oh, God.

                --------------------

                [Caption appears,

                         "Two Years Later"

                 Then we see a very disgruntled Raleigh wearing a
                 dunce's outfit, with the Queen throwing rings at his cap,
                 and Melchett and Nursie looking on]

Queen:          Where are they now?

Melchett:       Well, Madam, if they haven't been eaten by cannibals,
                they should be back any minute now.

                [The door bursts open and Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick
                 make their entrance, bowing to the Queen]

Edmund:         Ma'am!

Queen:          [shrieks] Edmund! You're alive!

Edmund:         [patronizingly, as if to shrug it off] Oh, yes.

Queen:          And your silly friend.

Percy:          Lord Percy, Ma'am [bowing again].

Queen:          And your monkey!

Baldrick:       [bowing] Your Majesty.

Queen:          But where is Captain Rum?

Blackadder:     Uh, bad news, my Lady; Rum is dead. [Nursie screws her face up
                and starts to cry]

Percy:          Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death: giving his
                life that his friends might live.

Blackadder:     And that his enemies might have something to go with
                their potatoes.

Nursie:         You mean they put him in the pot?

Blackadder:     Yes, your fiance was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate
                second course. [Nursie starts sobbing again] However, we did
                manage to save something of him as a memento. [reaches in a
                large sack they brought in with them, takes out Rum's beard,
                and presents it to Nursie] There.

Nursie:         Oh, my lucky stars; I shall wear it always, to remind me
                of him [she puts it on].

Blackadder:     However, Ma'am, I am now returned, and my mind cannot
                help remembering talk of wedding bells.

Queen:          No, I am completely bored with explorers! And if you haven't
                brought me any presents, I'm going to have you executed!

Blackadder:     Ma'am?

Queen:          I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the
                block. Presents, please!

Blackadder:     Ah yes, Ma'am. [he backs away, clearly trying to think
                of a plan] Um, yes. Well, there was one thing, Ma'am, a
                most extraordinary gift from the island paradise we visited.

Queen:          Hurry up!!

Blackadder:     [reaches into a sack Percy is holding and draws out a
                boomerang and hands it to her].

Queen:          What is it?

Melchett:       A stick.

Queen:          [threateningly] Is it a stick,, Lord Blackadder?

Blackadder:     Ah yes, Ma'am, but it is a very special stick. Because
                when you throw it away, it comes back!

Queen:          Well, that's no good, is it; because when *I* throw things
                away, I don't *want* them to come back!! [turns to Percy] YOU!!
                Get rid of it!

Percy:          Certainly, Ma'am [meekly takes it from her and tosses it
                behind him]

Queen:          What else have you brought?

Blackadder:     Um, yes, well, there was very little time what with
                picking the weevils out of biscuits and-

Queen:          -Melchy, what did I do with that spare death warrant?

                [The boomerang comes back and hits Percy on the head,
                 knocking him down. The Queen changes her mind on the stick]

Queen:          Oh, Edmund, it's wonderful! But what about Melchy and Raleigh?
                You must have brought something for them as well. [Edmund
                clears his throat trying to think of something] -Nursie's got
                her beard, I've got my stick; what about the two boys?

Blackadder:     [stalling as he turns toward Baldrick and looks into the sack]
                Um, yes, well. [Baldrick puts his hand on Blackadder's arm
                and they turn slightly, allowing Baldrick to retrieve something
                from a satchel at his side] There was one thing, Ma'am...

Queen:          good...

                [Baldrick pulls out one of the bottles he filled on the ship
                 and hands it to Edmund, so that it looks as though Edmund has
                 taken it out of the sack that he supposedly brought "presents"
                 in]

Blackadder:     ...A fine wine! [Holds the bottle aloft for all to see] A most
                delicious beverage! [He uncorks the bottle and pours out
                two tankards for Melchett and Raleigh]

Queen:          Have a taste, boys, and tell us what you think!

                [Baldrick hands them the tankards and they "sniff the bouquet"
                 and fall over each other trying to praise it to the Queen]

Raleigh:        Oh, it certainly has plenty of nose!
Melchett:       Oh yes, this is very familiar.

Blackadder:     I'm sure you'll be glad to hear [turns and looks at Baldrick]
                that there is an inexhaustible supply!

                --------------- END ---------------